cheer cheer at Spotto

Loyalists,

Sydney Olympic Park was "mayhem" on Saturday night, with 130,000 odd people packed into the precinct.
About 80 thousand were in at Cathy Freeman Stadium to watch the visiting Arsenal soccer team beat the Western Sydney Wanderers 3-1, me and the Good Lady Wife were in next door with 20,000+ others at Spotless "Spotto" Stadium [aka the 'new' Sydney Showground] to witness the Mighty Swans beat the Hapless Western Sydney Giants, another 20,000 were in at the Olympic Indoor Stadium to gasp at the Disney On Ice Spectacular, while another 8,000 or so were in the Exhibition Halls at a trade show called the "Man Cave Experience".
WTF?
All at the same time.
Yep...and it all worked perfectly - seamless - transport arrangements on-song, no crowd crushes, no queues, a low key security presence, and the only police we saw all night were two cops mounted on horseback.
Indeed, the place looked only moderately busy.
It was all designed to work like that 17 years ago, and it still does - a classic example of 'if it's not broke, why fix it?'.
With much trepidation, paid good money for some cheap tickets just before the match was sold out a few weeks ago, after going to the same game last year only to see the Swans lose by six goals, their biggest loss of the entire 2016 season.
Dreadful, it was.
But my presence was now required to reverse The Mock, otherwise there'd be a ban on me from ever going again in case they lost and it was my fault.
JPK won the toss and decided to kick towards us in the cheap seats at the Scoreboard End.
Yippee...that means the game will be down our end during the all-important Champo.
Then there was a minor "brush with fame" as the GLW, who's superlative at these things, spotted Steve Bisley moving along the row of seats in front of us with a tray of beers.
She described him as "looking rather shoddy", which was about right, and seeing he was sitting in the cheap seats, we concluded that he must be a bit short of work at the moment.
Toby "Fucking" Greene kicked the first two goals of the match for GWS, and was then barely sighted for the rest of it, after SC Horse instructed Reg Grundy to tag him and take him out.
What he might lack for a yard or two in pace now as an old man, Grundy of course more than makes up for in vast experience and footy smarts, he squashed Greene, who in my book is the dirtiest, filthiest player of his generation - fined and suspended already this season, so won't be winning no Brownlow.
Don't get me wrong,Tobes is a very good player, no question, but he's a thug - so Reg stood over him and was constantly in his face.
Half way through the last quarter, Toby was fully cooked and the Swans players were continually pushing him around off the ball like a rag doll for no reason, and he had a hang dog look on his ugly face betraying that he was very sick of it, because he couldn't fight back, as he was too buggered.
J.Patton for GWS was also taken care of after the first break by Rampe & Co, before he did himself a mischief and couldn't kick any more.
Bonus.
Odd Head McVeigh, also an old man with an old head, had a great game - to see him in possession dancing around opponents as they darted at him from very which way - it's like McVeigh has eyes in the back of his strange looking head - was a pleasure to watch,
JPK toiled manfully all day, as he does every week; the heavily tattooed growler the Jones Boy [the GLW's favourite], L.Parker, the Cardiff Zucchini and the Hannebery Kiddie had the mid-field nailed down flat, only Callan Ward for the Pygs was any match for them.
Solid match fitness from a basically unchanged side for weeks now is probably what won it for the Swans in the denoument, with two evenly matched sides both basing their games on impenetrable defence, with only a couple of talls up front to kick goals.
Things were tense at half time, with everything to play for.
The Swans were in a position that seemed insanely impossible even a few weeks ago, having the chance to vault up a log-jammed ladder with their sixth win on the trot, to go 9-7, after starting the season with an inexplicably awful 0-6 before they even troubled the keeper of the Premiership points.
The Stats Guru, as you can imagine is beside himself; he almost wet his pants...Sydney were looking for their ninth win in ten matches.
The Pygs, in stark contrast, couldn't win a rigged raffle, having in the previous weeks been the first team to suffer two consecutive draws since 1921.
That inability to win was messing with the Giants heads, for mine, well, at least hoping it had.
So, at the long break, found myself chugging on a ciggie to relieve the nervous tension while wandering around the expansive Smoking Lounge at the Scoreboard End which was thick with the acrid smell of tobacco smoke mingled with the sweet pungent aroma of Cannabis Sativa, when two blokes approached me unannounced.
The first tapped me on the shoulder and said "hey mate, I love your scarf!"
"yeah, it's a good one, isn't it?"
[quizzically] "yes, but it's a St. George scarf!?" [obviously he had noted the 'retro' red-and-white 'hoop' design of the rugby league team of the same name].
"I know; but my wife stole it".
Which was true.
LOL, and then he wandered off.
Next, a young bloke with long matted half undone dread-locked hair and wild and crazed eyes came up to me and pushed me on the buttons on my jacket [there were two Adam Goodes, and one Barry Hall button among them, along with other various pin-on memorabilia - fully merched up] for no reason at all.
Taken aback, he pushed me just enough to almost put me off balance and dead-set, was fearing that he was about to kill me; but no, he thrust his face close to mine, smelt the marijuana on my breath, and with a huge idiot grin on his dial just barked "Go Swannies!"
As the GLW was quick to point it, he was obviously on drugs.
Why do these people pick me?
The Champo was one of the best quarters of footy seen at the ground in many a year, as the match ebbed and flowed, trading goal for goal, with patches of fully-fighting defensive work.
It wasn't until L.Franklin kicked an impossible set shot from the boundary line 70m out that sailed high wide and handsome through the big ones that Swans fans began to relax a little, and then to cap off the quarter, Tom "Pearl" Papley took a terrific mark just inside centre, physically broke free through a ring of defenders and took off...had three bounces as a raced towards goal before reaching the goal square and dribbling it through without a hand being laid on him.
Worth the price of admission alone.
Always had a lot of time for Paps; he's grown up so much since first seeing him in the flesh the last time a year ago, and he could be anything - if only he would shut up.
A serial pest; the Pearl just cannot stop yabbering and needlessly getting himself into stinks by calling opposition players names.
Needs help with niggle management.
Of the assembled masses in a ground where they were hanging from the rafters, about 80% were Swans fans travelling to an away game, that used to be called "the Battle of the Bridge", but now had a much more politically correct and boring title "Derby XIII".
And you hear some odd things come out of football crowds.
During a crucial moment in the third quarter as the mob were hushed for a moment in anticipation, a shrill female voice pierced the night sky with "I love Mellican!"
He had a good game...but...
Lewis Mellican?
With that face?
Surely it must have been his mother.
The standard of umpiring was appalling, as usual.
At several junctures, the Bamfords, of which there are far too many, appeared to have lost control of the game with all of them standing around blowing their whistles and pointing at each other as the players continued on their merry way, taking no notice of them at all.
You had to be there; another one of the many moments that are not captured by the television camera's.
In the last quarter the Umps were completely out of their minds when they gave Franklin a dubious free kick right in front of goal for Buddy just being Buddy in a marking contest, and then minutes later gave another free kick for only-God-knows-what to former Swans player Shane "Mummy" Mumford, again right in front of goal, right in front of us.
As he lined up the big sticks, the booing from the rowdy seats was the loudest that'd passed my ears in a while, and have to confess to joining in with gusto.
Shane's a nice bloke and a very good ruckman, but not at that moment.
[Mummy was excellent against his old team - which he left only because the Swans got involved in a frightful debacle and paid a huge amount of ridiculous money to get Tipsy, who's now fallen right out of favour and can't even get game. He smashed Naismith in the ruck, and Sydney still won - go figure?]
And towards the end of the match, when the Giants were finally pinged by the Bamfords for holding-the-man in the Swans backline, an ordinary looking bloke stood up in the bank of seats across from from us, pointed accusingly at the Umpire, and shouted very precisely in a stentorian disgusted English-accented voice "they have been doing it all day, Sir. All day!", and then promptly sat down.
It was probably the only thing this bloke yelled out all night.
Chose his moment.
Well said.
When the Fat Lady starting to sing a few minutes before full time with the Syds two goals up and the Pygs fast running out of time in a quarter that went for over 34 minutes, could not resist joining in with a rousing rendition of the old soccer hooligan ditty "Wots it like!? Wots it like!? Wots it like to lose at home?! Wot's it lie-eyek to-oo lose at home?"
Haven't been able to do that for years.
No-one hit me.
GWS probably lost the minor Premiership right there, while the Swans lived to fight another day.
Sunday morning Smoko down by the Magic Waters would have been a relaxed affair for the first time in months.
As former Super Coach Sheens, in the rugby league caper, was fond of saying "we'll take our wins, and learn from our losses."
For now, victory is sweet.
The Green and Golden Bell frogs were being very noisy in the Brickpit as we wandered off into the night.
Cheer, cheer.

GREATER WESTERN SYDNEY: 2.4, 5.6, 8.8, 12.11 (83). Goals: Greene 2, Patton 2, Kelly 2, Johnson 2, Mumford 2, Scully, Smith.
SYDNEY: 4.4, 7.5, 10.9, 14.12 (96). Goals: Franklin 4, Papley 2, Lloyd, Smith, Kennedy, Robinson, Parker, K.Jack, Hannebery, Jones.
At Sydney Showground.
Crowd: 21,924. [Ground record].

"Swans rise from the ashes"

Cardiac Arrestee's,

The headline on this bloggy-blog-blog thingy was going to read "One for The Ages", thought that's pretty clever, but then consulted the Official Match Report on the Sydney Swans website to get the scorebox, only to find that it was already taken - their media department had thought of it first - so another cliché needed to be found.
Thought "Miracle Win! Swans take cliffhanger in dying seconds!", yep , but nah, old hat, what about "Snatching victory from the jaws of defeat", nup, been done to death, or maybe "Phoenix rises from the ashes", or as my Spy at the Ground helpfully suggested "Swans rise from the ashes".
That'll do.
The whole dang shooting-match was worthy of ancient Greek legend.
Appropriate, of course, given that who would have thought after the frightful sight of Sydney going 0-6 at the start of the season, that the Swans would, with a lot of luck and a fucking unlucky shocker against Hawthorn of all bastard teams (the classic "the one that got away") somehow sneak into the top 8 [albeit temporarily] after a one-point final-second last-gasp win over Essendon at HQ, to go 6-7 just past the half-way point in the season.
Who would have thought, indeed?
Phew.
Things like this don't happen, do they?
Down 19 points with a few minutes to go, and they pull the frypan right out of the fire.
Nurse! Brandy!
It was good in retrospect that the last quarter ran to 31 minutes; the Swans were running out of time to rescue the game in a big hurry, and they left it to the last few clicks of the stopwatch.
A fiercely contested, well fought football match, but also a laughable comedy of errors that would have left any forwards' coach with agonised tears streaming down his cheeks.
Both sides had numerous chances to just put the game away, but neither capitalised; in retrospect the game was there to lose, not to win.
According to the Stats Guru, among the host of crazy digits, the number of intercept marks was completely silly, and he very much doubts that he's ever seen 11.20 beat 12.13.
Which again brings the time-honoured Rules scoring system into conjecture.
Coming up to half-time with kicks for goal being sprayed, hooked and shanked everywhere, the GLW remarked on the number of behinds that had been scored but added "but they all add up, don't they?"
They certainly do, 28 points in behinds by the end of the Champo; but the game certainly has always put a big premium on goals.
But, really, having six straight kicked on you late in the piece while being utterly unable to find the big sticks you'd think you were dead, buried and cremated.
And they were.
By three-quarter time, Buddy was a shot bird.
Sydney were in big trouble.
He had lost all confidence after being tagged stupid all night by that clever No.12 Mark Baguley of the Bombers, but at least with the settled brain Lance has now, he could just admit it to his team and say "I'm gone, I'll try my best, but it's up to you to do the heavy lifting" without causing a problem, because he already had, by kicking 0.6...the poor bloke could just not kick a goal to save himself.
If he'd been on target just once or twice, it would have been all over red rover for the Bombers.
But he wasn't the only one, and it doesn't help when you are carrying passengers, when whatever Plan A was wasn't working.
While JPK was outstanding with a very heavy workload, had to give Isaac Heeney "The Cardiff Zucchini" Best on Ground simply because he went flying in a tackle and landed flat on his back and smashed the sea anemone that he has growing on his head into the turf - his brain box bounced, a time or two - but instead of going straight to the Head Injury Assessment [HIA] room to be inspected by the medics, he got straight up, dusted himself off, went back in to the play and booted the goal that may well have been the match-winner.
Don't get me started on the Bamfords.
Please, just don't.
Without doubt the worst umpiring display seen at the SCG this season.
The officials did their level best to hand the game to Essendon on a platter with gift free kicks, technical nonsense like penalising a swift clip over the ear, finding infractions that weren't in the rule book, that sort of thing.
It made it very difficult to follow what they were thinking, or if the fools were looking at an entirely different game on another planet.
In fact, with five minutes to go, the Swans had been robbed blind by the Umpires plain and simple, and officialdom could take the brunt of the blame when they lost.
The whole match was bizarre, how bizarre.
SC Horse could not look at the last 30 seconds or so - he had his head buried in his hands in the coaches box - [which now looks more like a crude movie set from NASA] - refused to watch, there was nothing he could do knowing that the entire season rested on getting the four Premiership points with a single kick, bang smack straight in front, after the siren.
There was no need to watch it anyway; the last minute was all a blur of colour and movement even if you were just glued to the Crystal Bucket, and you could read any number of versions of what happened in the papers the next day.
After it was all said and done and the Fat Lady had sung, Longmire just ran his fingers through whatever hair it is that he has left on his head with the look of a stunned mullet.
Could see him in my mind's eye the next day at Sunday morning smoko down by the Magic Waters, quietly puffing on his pipe and gazing out to sea, as one of his many forwards' coaches [most likely Plugger] used huge ice-tongs to hurl massive blocks among the players in the already icy sea pool, just for a jolly jape.
That would've woken them up.

SYDNEY: 2.5, 5.11, 8.17, 11.20 (86). Goals: Heeney 2, Newman 2, Parker, Papley, Reid, Hannebery, Hayward, Florent, Rohan.
ESSENDON: 2.4, 4.9, 7.11, 12.13 (85). Goals: Stewart 2, McKernan 2, Daniher, Zaharakis, Bellchambers, McKenna, Orazio, McDonald-Tipungwuti, Colyer, Hurley.
At Sydney Cricket Ground.
Crowd: 34,575.

"Always get a good QC"

Nostalgists,
May his name live long in infamy.
You can imagine my shock this morning upon being awoken from a deep slumber to learn that the Great Big Bad Barry Hall has been inducted into the AFL Hall of Fame.
Never, ever, in my wildest dreams, thought that the day would ever be seen.
He is now an officially sanctioned reformed recalcitrant
All his offences, sins and long record of bending, snapping, breaking and riding roughshod over the Rules of The Game must have been forgiven, or at least put to one side, because there is nothing surer, they will never be forgotten.
What a player!
Christ, could he break things!
Bloke's backs, joker's arms, even bowled over a Bamford or two.
He was very big, very bad, and very Barry.
When he came to the Swans after being forced out at St KIlda due to salary cap constraints, they thought they would be able to reform and tame him through the "Sydney System"; oh, how wrong they were.
No regard whatsoever for authority.
Super Coach Roos essentially came to regard him as "un-coachable".
For all his grand service, he was eventually pushed out of the Swans, also, and wound up playing the twilight of his career at the [now very ironically] Western Bulldogs, before finally seeing the writing on the wall.
Upon hearing the news of his surprise induction, the Stats Guru was on the phone first thing telling me he'd reached deep into the record books and found that for all the wonderful games Bazza played and all the six-pointers he booted, he was suspended for a full third of his playing career.
In other words, for every two games he played, he was rubbed out down at the Tribunal for one.
One course the nadir came when he had a "brain explosion" and king hit Brent Staker of the Weagles at Cathy Freeman Stadium for no other reason than he was also a serial pest; Brent went down like a sack of potatoes, and Barry went to the naughty corner for seven weeks.
Saw it with my own eyes [just]:
http://crazycraves.blogspot.com.au/2008/04/all-over-bar-shouting.html
It is the one thing in his long illustrious career that he truly regrets...it haunts him now because for Staker "people he doesn't even know will be reminding him of it, he has to live with that, I have to live with that"
By reports filtering in from the Colonies, where the induction ceremony was held, Baz also remarked that he should not have played in the Miracle Year's 2005 Grand Final, after a beating a striking rap; clocking a St Kilda player, ironically, in the prelim.
Got off on a technicality, only because he called for silk.
“It sounds funny, but there was a bit of a clause, we had a good QC. Always get a good QC. [ed note: Terry Forrest QC - now a judge of the Supreme Court of Victoria]. The number one ticket holder at that stage got us a private jet, he wanted no fuss. Put us on a private jet. We got a limo from Essendon Airport, out the back of the tribunal, got off the charge, back in the limo — on the private jet back home, quite enjoyable.”
Unfortunately, Barry didn't remark on the quality of the Champagne on the return journey.
However, he was without doubt one of my very favourite players at the Swans during that era 2002-09 [you only have to enter "BBB Hall" in the search engine on this bloggy blog blog thingy to see]...had all the skills, could turn on a dime, outmuscle anyone, a master exponent of the hip'n'shoulder, a brutal tackler, enjoyed a snap shot through the big sticks as much as a 70 metre set shot; and, most importantly, crikey could he kick goals or what?...a lot of them...all 467 for Sydney in a career tally of 746 big ones [which "only" brings him in at 15th on the list of the all-time greatest goal-kickers].
Talent to burn, charisma to set fire to, and a prime example of why footballers should not be required to talk to the press...he could hardly string a sentence together in any interview after a game.
But he never quite got to the 300 games that automatically qualifies you for Life Membership of the AFL, whether they like it or not; "only" played in 289 matches...but, of course, he would have easily hit the magic number if he wasn't such a bad boy.
He, like everyone else, thought that there would never be any acknowledgement from the Powers That Be of his career as an out-and-out Football Star.
Now he has reached the Pantheon, he can reflect on the fact that he was never ever like other great players who will never be admitted to the Hall of Fame, because maybe they won a Browlow on drugs or something like that [no names, no pack drill].
Off the field, Barry was a complete gentleman, never got into any scandals.
All of the above said tho', he was very impressive, for mine, on the panel on the two-part Insight program on the SBS television dealing with mental illness in retired sports stars.
Hall struggled for a long, long time with clinical depression after finding himself "basically unemployable" when he gave the game away.
A very brief career in boxing did him no good, as did running around with a suburban footy team at training - he could just not see a way forward; lost in space.
However, much to his credit and those around him, he sought professional help, found a degree of peace, got married, and is now a recently minted father at the age of 40.
All power to yr oars, Bazza.
Now, you are an all-time giant of the footy caper.
Bravo!
For all your human frailties, you will be long remembered as one of the genuine, true characters of the game.
And it's such a shame; there are not many of them left now, in this day and age of a homogenized sporting world.

halfway through to September

Long Sufferers,

The thing that shat me the most about the Swans loss to Hawthorn before the bye, apart from its unforgiveableness, was the useless niggle.
Only that week had The Powers That Be made it very clear they were cracking down on "jumper punches" aka 'rabbits punches' and clips to the ear, knees to the groin, and pats on the head and so forth, and what did the players decide to do?
Niggle themselves to exhaustion, when, if they were professionals, they should have been concentrating on the game at hand, which is what they are paid to do.
Instead they cocked their snoot at the authorities and said "well, if you're going to book one, then you are going to have to book all of us" - trash talkin'.
And then it was on - in yr opponents face all the time, make a goon of yourself, stinks galore...yeah right...all that's all well and good before the first bounce and at half time, but for the entire game, non-stop?
And if SC Horse had told them at quarter-time that they were fools to themselves and a burden on their supporters, would it have made a difference, anyway?
The Swans played very unattractive football, and were so rooted, buggered, shot birds by expending so much energy constantly niggling the Hawks in the very vain hope it might put them off their game, that they'd slowed to barely above walking pace deep into the last quarter when it really mattered, only to be beaten by a goal after the siren.
They will rue the day come September.
If Sydney can't beat the hapless Hawks - in the year they've both had - then the Swans can't beat anyone on their day.
The Stats Guru gave me a call and said it was his melancholy duty to report that, statistically speaking, the miserability is done and it's season over for the Swans.
Making the top eight - only to be had for breakfast in the first week of the finals - is now a very remote possibility; the Guru was so aggrieved he didn't even to bother to whirl the abacus to find out for sure, safe in the knowledge that all hope is lost with 52.17% of the season gone.
What do they say about "playing for pride" from here on in?
OK, their season has been cruelled by injury - we know that, as Bruce would say - and there have been some heroics, but some fairly spectacular failures also; no names, no pack drill.
But it's a fair bet to say that the likes of Jack, Hannebery, and Heeney the Cardiff Zucchini with a sea anemone upon his head...the mid-field in-toto actually...would be well out for the running for the Brownlow, in fact they would be lucky to have scraped together a vote between them.
The mix of yoof and experience isn't right, and they don't have a first-line first-rate ruckman - haven't had for years; don't get me wrong, Sinclair and Naismaith are handy players, but they're journeymen.
And they just haven't got - but need - a viscous mongrel like the Pygs' Toby Greene, who can play, but has disqualified himself from winning the Chas on account of the Bamfords took a dim view of him from the off.
Sydney have the makings of a good serial pest in Tom "Pearl" Papley, he just will not shut up - but he needs more work.
There is nothing for it now but to just enjoy the rake's progress of last year's and this year's draft picks; there are blokes going around who know right now that they will be making retirement plans at the end of the year.
What they did on a bog track last night in Sydney is all rather academic now.
It was pleasing to hear that they whipsawed the Evil Bulldogs [the game all but passed me by - Thursday night football, what are they thinking, footy four days a week?] in a tiny bit of pay back for last year's Grannie, but in the Grand Scheme of Things, revenge barely matters.
My Spy at the Ground was not moved enough to venture any comment.
Sydney's win-loss ratio of 4-7 is now significantly better than 0-6, but really, it should now be 5-6 if it weren't for the bugger-up shocker against the Hawks.
It was two weeks ago now, the Guru called it.
The Official End of An Era.
And what an epoch it was too.
The Swans have made the finals 13 times in the past 14 years, for just two Premiership bloody flags.
Don't mention the two lost Grand Finals under Longmire's watch.
Just don't.
Horse is into his 7the year on the job, so all you can do is trust the board to have a succession plan in place.
Just saying.
That's all.

In the rugby league caper over at Leichhardt, it's been 'season over' for quite a while now.
It's clear that Clearly It's Cleary has made precious little difference as Head Coach in a club that is deeply riven and fractured by entrenched factionalism, favouritism, and foolishness.
It was a noble effort against St George last week, with an excellent second half comeback, to go down by two points, but with 50.00% of the season gone in the comp, at 3-9 plus the bye, with a points differential of -137, looks like they will be in a death fight with the Newcastle Knights to avoid the most dubious honour of them all - the Wooden Spoon.
Little point in going into all the tawdry politics of it anymore, the Mighty Tigers will not make the finals for the sixth consecutive year.
A hard team to follow all right.
Since The Glorious Victory in the Miracle Year of '05, Balmain have only finished in the top 8 twice.
That makes me sad.
Could go on, but can't.
Too upsetting.
Boo hoo.

28 behinds

Fortune tellers,

Good god, Fawlty, the Swans won - again.
It'd be great if anyone could make any sense at all of the football, at the minute.
The old adage "any team can beat any other team on its day" seems to apply in spades.
It's all upside down, Miss Pat.
Bookmakers peplexed, tipping comp contestants baffled, fans totally confused, players without a clue, and coaches at their wits end pulling out what little hair they have left on their heads faster than it can be replaced by Advanced Hair Studios.
Top spot in the AFL is just one win clear of 9th, with a third of the season played.
The Stats Guru is having a field day.
Just look at the last round, starting with all-but-bottom and top.
Sydney appears to have started to fasten the wheels that'd fallen off back onto the bandwagon, easily winning their last two, after going an utterly miserable 0-6, as more players get out of Sick Bay and match condition fitness comes into play across the comp.
Said it before, say it again, the game is gruelling, and it's too long.
The Swans need old blokes in the likes of Odd Head McVeigh and Reg Grundy Jnr to marshall the backs, but they are totally cooked at the end of every game by their own admission.
Smart football brains on crumbling bodies don't mix, especially with 18 year olds getting picked in your team.
JPK needs more time in the captaincy, he's very good when they are winning, but needs to lead more when the chips are down.
Buddy isn't phased by anything now, it's a laugh, it can't be taken seriously, but Plugger is teaching him well, and telling him to tell the young forwards what he wants...yell, wave yr arms, point alot, and give 'em heaps if they don't deliver for an inside 50 chest mark.
Will Hayward - "the goal kicker from North Adelaide" - is very raw, but he's a dead-set keeper for mine.
The kid can play.
The mid-field can, and must, look after itself.
In stark contrast, Adelaide, after sweeping all before them and going 6-0, suddenly get thumped by eight by goals in both their last two games in a case of the cobby-wobbles; a mirror image of Sydney.
And throw in a couple of spectactular nail-biting cliff hangers, and that's the round.
Stevie J doesn't seem to mind getting bad press when he can kick the winning miracle goal for the Pygmies in the final seconds against the 'Pies with a beautiful display of hard-nutted old school roving.
He knew in just that moment that no-one was going to beat him.
That kind of talent is enough to make a grown man cry.
That'll do.
And of course, mention cannot be passed on the game in Shanghai.
Toot! Toot!
All aboard.
A gaily festooned Gravy Train with all the bells and whistles rolls into town.
You can only imagine what the Chinese rank-and-file thought of The Great Australian Game.
Anyone's guess.
But you'd expect they'd love a team called THE POWER.
The ground that they somehow found to play on, in a city of 24 million, was an ancient athletics track built in 1934, surrounded by concrete bleachers and a tiny pavilion, which hasn't had a red cent spent on it since - apart from the hasty installation of a hospitality area.
Jiangwan 'Stadium'?
What a shit-hole.
How on earth has it survived?
Why was it left alone during the Cultural Revolution rather than have the bulldozers put through it?
And who knew that Poord and Surfers Paradise had five thousand supporters between them?
Well, that was the AFL's official estimate of the number of Strayan footy fans making the long trip away, along with some ex-pats and a few casual tourists who might drop in for the game.
That's where the Stats Guru got involved.
It was a Poooort home game so it was also officially estimated, again by the AFL, that the crowd size would not be any more than 11,000, of which about 3,000 carefully selected natives of Shanggers were expected to turn up.
3+5 = 8, so that leaves about 3,000 bludgers, corporate-types, hangers-on, acolytes, high-ranking party functionaries, communists, shady characters, and buffoons of the likes of David Koch, who all enjoyed themselves immensely indulging in the full-on hospitality in Chairman Mao's private box.
And, of course, the AFL's top brass don't slum it, ever - they were staying at the Shanghai Portman Ritz-Carlton, where the going rate is $US695 per night.
My Spy at The Ground says fine cigars and brandy balloons with a splash of top notch Cognac are certainly readily available in the front bar of the Ritz - a nice touch, for mine - there are photographs.
The actual attendance, officially and meticulously counted, was put at 10,118 without a shadow of a doubt, no cooking the books, or massaging at the turnstiles, no siree.
Exactly 10,118 screaming fans.
The highlight of the match was the 28 behinds scored on the day - wow - football was the winner!
And Poort won in a 12 goal smashing -- yippee, that'll bring the Chinese crowds streaming in through the gates.
But no-one ever asked the burning question -- was the beer cold [oh, no-fucking-no, a dry ground in the outer!] and the pies warm?
Who knows -- next year -- North Korea!!
Choco Pies for the South Australian Magpies imported direct from South Korea via China all 'round.
Fatboy Slim Kim loves his sport...especially the time-honoured traditional game of executing out-of-favour family members with an RPG.
Super Coach Horse could do worse than to threaten some under-performing Swans players with that particular one.

Over in Tigerland, the joint continues to be a seething cesspit of hostility, infighting and resentment.
The hopelessly fractured and dysfunctional board is essentially powerless after appointing Clearly It's Cleary as Coach with a carte-blanch mandate and players shipping out.
Who knows what the Club Secretary is doing?
A little birdy has been singing that the main reason Woodsy decided to go to Canterbury-Bankstown was not a matter of money, but the fact that he was "sick of playing in a losing team who never make the finals", and he's got more chance of playing in a Grand Final by going to Belmore.
Who can blame him?
But it's a good thing in disguise that he's now done himself a mischief and looks like being a long-term customer at Sick Bay.
Best to step aside for the moment and let a veteran like Chris "The Try Scoring Freak" Lawrence take over as Captain for a bit.
Coach Cleary was clearly unimpressed, as we all all were, with the Mighy Tiges losing to their arch-nemesis South Sydney 28-8, a right proper flogging; the Rabbitoh's pack was simply too big, too strong and there was no go forward, and most of the backs seemed disinterested.
CC let rip with a vitriolic spray post-match in the direction of Tedesco and Moses, singling them out, and accusing them of "not trying" because they have signed multi-million dollar contracts elsewhere.
Again, fair enough - you are handsomely rewarded and should repay die-hard loyalist fans in return, on match day...forget about tomorrow.
But the attitudes-a-plenty do nothing for club solidarity when you are 15th on the ladder in a 16 team comp.
Amid the crisis, everybody seems to have forgotten that rugby league is actually being played here.
The Good Lady Wife exclaimed in disgust as the Friday night match was deep into the first half on the Crystal Bucket: "Tedesco looks like he's saving himself for Easts".
Harsh, but fair.
Then, the loyal Luke Brooks and that serial troublemaker, Kyle Lovett, contrived to get themselves arrested for "breaching the peace" up the Balmain Road after getting involved in a fracas, described by sources close to the scenario as an All-In Brawl, at the The Workers Bar and Kitchen on Darling Street after downing a dozen in the Town Hall Hotel, just after midnight Saturday.
The fighting spilled onto the street, the cops were called, and Brooks, and Lovett - who you'll remember was rubbed out for four weeks earlier in the season after being busted with a deal-bag of coke in his pocket - allegedly had some harsh words to say to the NSW Police who were in no mood to cop it.
What a stink!
Both were released on sergeant's bail from the Balmain Watchouse in the early hours of Sunday morning.
Brooks will say it was all a terrible misunderstanding over his brother defending his honour [yep, his bro was there too], while Lovett will claim he just happened to be cruising by at the time to pick up his sister.
WTF?
Nice one, chaps.
It's most convenient that the club's major sponsor is Brydens Lawyers - plenty of work for them in-house.
With a "Player Welfare Dept" missing in action, show me a football club in any code right now that's better than the Tigers at lurching from one almighty cluster-fuck to another.
Holy smoke.
Balmain is a walking, talking, all-singing, all-dancing disaster area.
Lord, save me.

can you spell u-n-a-c-c-e-p-t-a-b-l-e?

Fellow flabberghastee's,

The following did not turn up to play on the hallowed turf...

FF 9.W.Hayward 20.S.Reid 41.T.Papley
HF 29.G.Hewitt 23.L.Franklin 16.G.Rohan
C 5.I.Heeney 12. J.P.Kennedy 44. J.Lloyd
HB 14.C.Mills 43.L.Melican 11.J.Laidler
FB 40.N.Smith 39.H.Grundy 10.Z.Jones
FOL 8.K.Tippet* 26.L.Parker 4.D.Hannebery
BENCH 7.H.Cunningham 33.B.Jack 28.N.Newman 18.C.Sinclair
COACH J.Longmire
(*Did not turn up at all. Phoned in sick. Replaced by 1.J.Rose.)



Surely the End of Days is nigh?
At quarter time the Good Lady Wife was heard to remark "that mob are as useless as we are, so there must be some chance".
After the miserable exhibition was all over and the Fat Lady had sung long & loud, My Spy at the Ground limited his comment[s] on the Swans (non)performance at the 'G against the hapless Ol' Carlton Blues to one succinct word..."hopeless".
Amid much wailing, wringing of hands, and gnashing of teeth, the Stats Guru, after senslessly wrestling his abacus into submission, declared that the Swans are now the holders of the highly dubious honour of being the first team in HISTORY...that's right...ever, in the entire lifespan of any AFL/VFL side in the annals of all mankind, to lose their first six matches of a season on the trot, after appearing in the previous year's Grand Final.
Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Voila! 0-6
Only five more defeats to go to equal the all-time club record for worst season start from the depths of the Dark Ages back in '93.
SC Horse was clearly aghast and perplexed, saying the whole shooting match as it now stands is "unacceptable".
Can you spell u-n-a-c-c-e-p-t-a-b-l-e?
Mr Longmire - where the buck stops - also said he had his theories about what the trouble is, where the blame lies, but was not prepared to share his speculations with the long-suffering general public, as yet another fast asleep word cloud from his post-match spoutings for the fish-wraps indicates:

Worth repeating...
What would Barassi do?

CARLTON: 1.3, 5.4, 10.7, 15.7 (97). Goals: Wright 4, Casboult 2, Kreuzer 2, Weitering, Petrevski-Seton, Simpson, C. Curnow, E. Curnow, Cripps, Smedts.
SYDNEY: 3.2, 6.6, 8.10, 11.12 (78). Goals. Papley 2, Hayward 2, Franklin, Heeney, Hannebery, Kennedy, Jones, Sinclair, Parker.
At Melbourne Cricket Ground.
Crowd: 32,678.

the worst possible football nightmare

Victims of cruel and unusual punishment,

So, the worst possible football nightmare has come to pass.
The Crows on top of the table at 5-0, and the Swans at the bottom of the ladder, stone-motherless last, at 0-5 with the remarkable percentage of 75.8.
Horrific.
Done like a dinner at the Spititual Home by "cross town rivals" the Greater Western Pygmies in a seven goal football lesson.
There is no need to bang on about it, except to say it's enough to drive a man to drink.
Had some difficulty in interpreting exactly what Mr Longmire was getting at on interview after the game, except that Super Coach Horse appears to be working on the "she'll be right, mate" principal, and all the Swans need to do to right the sinking ship is "play footy":