Media Megastars,
It's fairly obvious that The Great MJ Clarke's career as television cricket commentator is not working so well.
Although he has a cricket brain the size of a watermelon, and is a first-rate analyst of the game, he doesn't really fit with the commercial television modus operandi, let alone the Channel Nine mould.
He just can't do: "GOT 'IM THIS TIME!!!".
But with Bill Lawry as the undisputed master of it for eons, you'd be forgiven for saying to yourself, why try harder?.
And whoever dreamt it up in Nine's A&R Department should be shown and told something that has completely baffled me for years - Michael Clarke is just not popular with the Strayan public.
Never has been, never will be.
Where's the ratings in that?
Pup would be much better suited as an "expert commentator" on the radio, but even his high-pitched, almost jockey-like voice, would count against him there.
And in any case the ABC only pays five pounds, five shillings, and sixpence a game for 'talent', and if anyone knows that two bob just aint worth two bob anymore, it'd be Pup.
[Aside: A little birdie is singing that Dave "From The Suburbs" Warner has bought himself a Lamborghini - new or used not disclosed - a wise and sensible choice, as he'd look a right nong in a Ferrari with the lid down].
Managed to catch Clarkey's 'masterclass' at lunch on Day Five on "How To Bat Proper", which was excellent.
Perhaps he should do a Bradman, and put out a book with lots of pictures in it, and with a retro twist, give it the same title as the Don's great epic "Look At Me! Learn How To Bat Like Me!"
Or maybe Pup should try building schools in poor villages in Bangladesh and/or become the CEO of Lords - where he could put a new broom through the hide-bound joint, like constructing a block of super-luxury 7-star apartments on top of the Long Room.
He could also order the Secretary of the MCC to commission and erect the long-awaited and anticipated bronze bust of Glenn McGrath near the Grace Gates, forthwith.
The irony of the fact that it hasn't appeared to have rained in Sydney for months, and then absolutely pisses down during the test match, was not lost on the local aficiandos.
The Stats Guru discovered that Day Three was the first time in 20 years that a day had been abandoned without a ball being bowled at the SCG due to the weather, but he's still scrabbling around to find an instance of two days in a row being completely washed out.
Heard along the grapevine that Pup and Hadds - as the long-term retiring NSW first-class players from last year - were due to do a lap of honour in an open topped vintage Rolls Royce at tea on Day One, but forgot to bring their raincoats, so happily postponed the accolades to the break in the first one-day game against India at the ground next week.
The bits about 'the Roller' and the 'raincoats' are probably hastily cobbled together scurrilous rumours; Michael would never be that weak or wussy, lets face it, he's just come from chundering off the back of a boat in heavy seas, soaked to the skin.
Of course they should have called the game a draw at the end of Day Four, and then put on some kind of silly 40/40 game just for a jolly jape; to amuse the pitiable folk who'd had the dreadful misfortune to shell a small fortune for a five day pass.
But no, it was against the rules.
Of course they got the obligatory DFTS Warner 1st innings ton, not hard against crap and disinterested bowling, and there was no purpose in it except to boost his average, and the poor punter ends up getting a forlon tame draw.
The Australian 1st innings batting order shows that Tokes was out the back having a nice choof on his hash pipe, and the Baby Faced Killer was well onto the gin & tonics by lunchtime on the Day Five.
Neither were called up to bat under any circumstances.
Suppose everyone involved could have tried harder to make something of it, declarations at 0/0, that sort of thing, instead of trying to shift the blame to the weather gods [or as, heard for the first time ever this week, the "Godzilla El Niño"].
You might as well say the Christmas Child is responsible for global warming.
So, as at 7 Jan '16, that's it for Test cricket at home; all over, red rover.
Their next match is at the Basin Reserve in Windy Wellington from February 12.
Watch the forecast.
