Fellow aghastees,
There is a school of thought abroad that something very strange and mysterious was at work at the MCG on Sunday afternoon.
Whatever it was, by all reports, it certainly hushed the crowd into those split second moments of complete silence that you get for no reason at all in large sports crowds from time to time.
There simply can be no understanding of why Sydney were on the receiving end of the worst massacre seen at HQ in many a long year; the first time the Swans had been given a 12-goal bath in no less than eleven long seasons - you have to go back to 1999 to find something equivalent.
It was plain for all to see how it happened, but there was something quite odd about it, as if it had a lot more to it than just Melbourne playing exceptionally well and Sydney playing exceptionally badly.
It's likely to remain completely inexplicable.
There's no rational explanation for what went on.
Not least SC Roos, who was astonished and had absolutely no idea on interview after the game, and could only offer:
"(I felt) pretty helpless...it is a bit of a strange feeling, to be honest. It was an unusual feeling...quite strange."
Spooky.
Don't like spooky, it just un-nerves and unsettles everyone involved.
The senior players had no concept at all and were flabbergasted as to why they were entirely missing in action throughout and could have been lost on the Kokoda Track for all it mattered, while the junior players were at a total loss to ascertain why they were all at sea, apart from the fact that they were gobsmacked, never having seen or experienced anything like it before in all their born days.
The Mad Buddhist and Sydney's Spiritual leader, Cap'n "Never Played a Bad Game" Kirk would have conjoured up the deity to show him a sign, and would have been disappointed when none was forthcoming.
At Monday morning smoko down at the magic waters of Bronte, the coaching staff would have had the peyote pipes out in a bid to have some kind of divine apparition appear before them who could tell them what went wrong.
Nothing doing there.
SC Roos admitted that he found himself with nothing at all to say to the players at full time, not because he was angry or upset by the performance, it was just that he had nothing to add to what people might already be thinking, and didn't want to alarm anyone by drawing their attention to the intrinsic weirdness of it all.
Not even sending the entire team for a session in The Room Full Of Mirrors down on the Balmain Road would come close to working it out.
No point.
The players have been told to stop thinking about it and black the thing from their individual and collective memories, as if it never happened, and while the event will no doubt come back to dog SC Roos on the last Mad Monday of his career at the end of the season and probably haunt him for the rest of his life, the fact of the matter is the scoreboard doesn't lie.
All the mumbo jumbo aside, the loss, while it is absolutely impossible to read anything into it, did an enormous amount of damage on the premiership table.
Dropping down to eigth at 9&8 and losing a huge chunk of percentage, when a win would have all but guaranteed a berth in the finals...just like that.
Now they find themsleves in very real danger of missing out on September altogther, with the difficult run home they are up against.
On first reflection, contemplated getting down to the box office this week and asking for, nay demanding, a refund on my tickets to the cheap seats for this Saturday night's Geelong game at the Western Paddock on the strength of that exhibition at The G, but then realised that the ticket clerk would only tell me that they are worthless.
So, thought better of it, what with forces at work that can't be comprehended by mere mortals; it'd be no surprise if the Swans came out and gave the Cats a right caning, against all odds.
Stranger things have happened.
MELBOURNE: 8.2, 12.4, 20.8, 22.10 (142). Goals: Green 5, Dunn 3, Jones 2, Morton 2, Jurrah 2, Jamar 2, Bruce, Scully, Wonaeamirri, Johnson, Davey, Watts.
SYDNEY: 2.1, 4.4, 6.6, 10.9 (69). Goals: Goodes 4, White 3, McVeigh, Richards, Pyke.
At Melbourne Cricket Ground.
Crowd: 29,374.
At least the Tigers loss to the Evil Silvertails [and let me tell you there's nothing worse in world sport than losing to Manly. Could go on, but won't] was straightforward enough and had some ryhmn and reason to it.
Nothing odd here.
The defensive unit was simply not on-song on the day, and eventually fell to bits in the fatigue of the dénouement, while the flashy backs were more interested in testing out some clever new set-plays in match conditions, instead of concentrating on the job in hand.
And they were outplayed to boot.
Things were not helped by Benji's mum forgetting to polish his goalkicking boots for the second week running.
Said it before, say it again, but for all his undoubted genius in general play, Marshall's goal kicking is just not up to first grade standard.
They've missed the window to buy a designated goal kicker, so the only other option is to give Farah a shot; he can kick alright - but something must be done about it before the finals.
Things were also not helped by the Best Leb In The game being found out playing funny buggers as he constantly appealed to the Bamfords about the markers not being square in the play-the-ball, and when he finally got a penalty, was then promptly given a good whack in the brain box from that complete fool S.Mattai...a stink ensured in which no punches were ever landed...but Mattai still found himself in the sin bin after petulantly pushing Farah in the back when the Bamford had told him to shut his mouth and go away.
The jester even wanted to go on with it after being given his marching orders.
And yet, Manly still scored a soft try while Mattai was off the field for ten mintes and they were down to 12 men, and that was the end of the section, for all intents and purposes.
Pretty silly stuff all round, that would have attracted admonishment from even a Vaudeville crowd.
While the result did only superficial damage on the premiership table, as the Tigers remain in third spot at 11&7, it was the "what if" factor that really mattered.
SC Sheens would be more acutely aware than most that they lost a dead-set golden opportunity to move into outright second on the ladder with a win, as well as guarantee a locked-in appearance in the finals, given that SC Sheens promised, after extending his contract for a year on the back of a paper napkin in some cafe in Chiswick early on in the season, that he would quit forthwith if Balmain didn't make the top eight this season, for the first time since The Miracle of '05.
And nothing, nothing at all, gets any easier at this time of year.
MANLY-WARRINGAH SEA EAGLES 38. Tries: Lyon (2), Rodney, Foran, Stewart, Farrar. Goals: Lyon (7).
WESTS TIGERS 20. Tries: Heighington, Lui, Ayshford, Tuqiri. Goals: Marshall (2)
At Central Coast Football Stadium, Gosford.
Crowd 20,059.
