Trick Cyclists,
Todd Carney is a thoroughly detestable human being.
Well known for being involved in high speed police chases, drink driving convictions [x3], urinating on a bloke after he'd knocked him to the ground, setting another bloke's pants on fire causing serious injuries to groin and scrotum, a criminal damage conviction for smashing up a car and a shop front etc etc...and that's just what's come before the courts.
Reportedly has a poor attitude towards women, no sense of humour, and not an empathetic bone in his body.
Perhaps that's why he survived falling off a two storey balcony while as the parrot.
A dead-set psychopath, who has been moved on by not one, but two clubs, for being a fool to himself and a burden on the community.
Just so happens the buffoon is playing the best football of his career at the minute.
So it's very hard to stomach when the turd single-handedly destroys the Tigers in the first half.
Carney had a hand or a foot in every Cronulla try, and he is one of the best goal kickers in the caper, damn it.
Add to that the fact that half the Sharks team is made up of players who have been discarded by the TIgers.
That also sticks in the craw.
Take Chris Heighington - a perfectly serviceable tradesman-like forward who will take the ball up for you week in week out; Beau Ryan - a very handy winger/centre three-quarter on his day; Bryce Gibbs - with a full head of hair!
All let go by the Tigers in tawdry circumstances, and all ended up at Cronulla.
When Gibbs was playing for Balmain he always played with a fully bald head, not a hair on his bonce, and has been playing like that also down in The Shire - until this week - when he elicited much comment by suddenly appearing with a perfectly coiffed bouffant.
There was widespread speculation that he had purchased a tackle-proof toupee, you know the ones; you can dive off the 10m platform without dislodging them.
People have been wondering what's come over the bloke.
And then there's Andrew Fifita, who the Tigers put a lot of time, effort and money into, only to come to the conclusion that he would never really be the goods and wasn't worth continuing with.
So what happens?
They traded him to Cronulla for next to nothing, he goes to his new club, gets a new coach, and in the space of little more than a year is showing all the hallmarks of being a future superstar, and gets picked for New South Wales in all three of the State of Origin games.
Joisus.
Bad mistake.
Balmain Football Dept incompetance and mismanagement at its worst.
Little wonder the Club Secretary was asked to take the walk out the back door mid-season
At one point during the grim first half narrative, Adam Blair performed "The Mousetrap".
A highly unusual backline play usually made under pressure, when the ball in played backwards through the players legs tunnel-ball-style, to the receiver who puts it on the toe, and hopes for the best in bamboozling the opposition backs.
Thought to myself "jeez, haven't seen The Mousetrap in a while", and the television commentators concurred, saying "you'd have to go back to the glory days of Canberra in the early 90's for the last time it was seen regularly".
The problem with The Mousetrap is there is no hard evidence that it has ever actually worked, hence its general discontinuation, but hey, it looks good.
As Coach Harry was pulling great tufts of hair from his scone with Balmain down 0-26 at half time, the Good Lady Wife, being the good Catholic that she is, started praying to Mary Mackillop on account of as sure as hell the Tigers needed a miracle to get out of this one, and she's delivered the goods on more than one occasion.
And By Crikey! Good Lordy!
Saint Mary almost pulled it off.
A sterling second half come back just wasn't quite enough to get the result, but with three un-answered tries to Balmain early in the second half, the impossible suddenly became possible, only to be held in check in a disappointing denoument.
Rumour has it that after the game, Coach Harry got the chalk out and wrote on the dressing room blackboard: "MUST SCORE POINTS IN EVERY HALF IN EVERY GAME".
And then handed out sheets of ruled paper and pencils, and ordered the players to write it out x 100 times.
CRONULLA-SUTHERLAND SHARKS 36. Tries: Fifita (2), Bukuya, Graham, Lewis, Stapleton. Goals: Carney (6).
WESTS TIGERS 22. Tries: Simona (2), Tedesco, Thompson. Goals: Marshall (3).
At Shark Park.
Crowd: 13,843.
Just like the up coming Federal election, the result of this contest was well known and widely telegraphed before the shooting match even began.
With a crowd of 86K+ in on the Friday night, the caterers wouldn't have been very taxed for an unpopular Saturday afternoon game.
Just leave the left over pies in the pie warmers overnight, so they are thermo-nuclear by the opening bounce.
Never mind that Sydney didn't really turn up to play, and had one of their worst games of the season against a team of strugglers, who had their best game of the year.
Getting beat by five goals to three in the last quarter was something Mr Longmire would have been distinctly unhappy about, given that he adheres to the adage that it's not over until the Fat Lady sings, and while she had a few warbles going at three quarter time, it was by no means a full blown aria.
The Jack story continues to be one for the ages, with the younger bro Brandon being subbed on in the first quarter due to an injury to the most unfortunate Sam Reid, and went about having a blinder, kicking not only his first goal in senior football, but four!
More than the elder Keiran has ever done; his best is three goals in a game.
Not bad for a very young looking 19 year old just starting to make his way among the big boys.
There's Football Dept management at its finest.
Still, the critics from the Colonies were delighted that Tipsy spent the whole afternoon dropping marks.
Turned over more ball than you'd believe.
Sure, Kurt kicked two wobbly goals, but he sprayed the rest of his kicks at the sticks far and wide, and really should have booted 10 against that rabble.
At least Malceski kept his mouth shut this week, given that he wasn't particularly outraged by anything, and just concentrated on playing well.
Complacency will be the Swans Enemy No.1 over the next little while.
If you, like me, had been offered free tickets to the Pygmies game at the SCG for the Sunday matinee this weekend by no less than three people so far this week, you'd also be saying no, no, no.
No doubt Coach Horse would be reminding them that there are three teams ahead of them on the ladder, and they are all damned good.
And guess what, you'll have to more or less beat them all, not once, but twice, to go top.
So, time to sharpen up the day, before anyone else gives it much thought.
Wandered into the Front Bar at The Local on Monday morning and found The Philosopher in his usual corner sipping on this week's favoured tipple - a Long Island Iced Tea.
He casually acknowledged me, so asked him but one question.
"What's the weather like in The Bahama's at this time of year, Prof?"
"Nice, mate, nice" and left it at that.
MELBOURNE: 3.1, 5.2, 8.5, 13.7 (85). Goals: Fitzpatrick 3, Dawes 2, Howe 2, Watts 2, Davey, Nicholson, Trengove, Jones
SYDNEY: 5.3, 9.13, 13.18, 16.20 (116). Goals: B.Jack 4, Bird 2, Tippett 2, Everitt, Lamb, McVeigh, K.Jack, Parker, Pyke, O'Keefe, Mitchell.
At Melbourne Cricket Ground.
Crowd: 26,216.
