Trick cyclists,
It was one of those ominous, ugly portents.
With the Goodes Train being rubbed out by the Evil Tribunal, the match was the first this century where the Swans had not fielded a player in the No 37 guernsey.
Word eventually got around that it was the first time in a century, given that The Train has been playing for a hundred years now.
On arriving at the Western Paddock, you couldn’t help but notice the ground was awash with Collingwood fans.
They come in all shapes and sizes, with varying degrees of outlandish get ups – from outrageous black and white jester’s hats to ridiculous black and white taffeta dresses.
Particularly liked the blokes who still wear mullets and Pies jerseys that look like they are 1960’s and 70’s originals.
At three quarter time in the smoking lounge out the back of the stand, some of them had even stripped to the waist and tied the jerseys around their outstanding pot bellies on a chilly winter’s night in the Emerald City.
No idea why.
On getting to the cheap seats, the Collingwood supporters section to our left behind the southern goal was absolutely jammed packed to the rafters with jokers dressed in every conceivable shade of black and white.
Unfortunately you have to give them grudging respect; they know all about loyalty, and at least they don’t fight or gob on you, as a general rule.
In front of us, some sad Swans folks made a few feeble attempts to hoist the “The Rhino Keefe Stand” banner, but boy they had little to cheer about.
Swans just didn’t turn up to play.
Collingwood – first to the contest, first in the air for the mark, first to the breakdown, first to the ball in any situation.
They comprehensively outplayed Sydney at their own game, strangling them in defence while seemingly having loose men everywhere in the forwards.
Swans forwards were entirely missing in action, with BBB “Slugger” Hall the chief offender.
In the words of The Good Lady Wife, “Hall? Bah! Done nuthin’ all night”
Completely rudderless through the centres, and as for the backs, they were wrong footed left, right and centre.
annot recall being at an AFL match in the past 25 years, where the team you support had kicked one goal to half time – WE GOT A GOAL!! – and had just two at the end of the Championship Quarter.
[The dusty old record books indeed show that for the Swans, you have to go back to 1983, in Melbourne]
It was pure torture.
Had to steal two pies [meat, lukewarm] it was that bad.
And the beer was so cold, it hurt to hold the plastic cup in your hands, so you had to drink ’em quickly.
At one point in the second quarter, felt the urge to yell, nay, scream out, “Just do something Sydney, anything!”
That was greeted with a ripple of applause from the cheap seats.
They had the chance to actually get back onto a competitive footing in the last quarter and at least make a game of it, but woeful inaccuracy in front of goal quickly put paid to that idea.
When the Pies section of the ground started singing “Coll—iiing-wooood” “Coll—iiing-wooood” “Coll—iiing-wooood” deep into the final quarter, it was high time to join the thousands of other Swans sadsacks in making a quiet, dignified exit from the ground.
It was an awful trudge back to the special event bus in the wobbly boots.
Curiously, SC Roos didn’t seem too perturbed by the team effort on interview after the match.
He just said that he was going to mark it down in the We’ll Learn From Our Losses column in the coaches ledger, with the words “can do better”.
Although he did remark on the rather tough nature of the run home, which includes Hawthorn and the Bulldogs away, and Geelong and Adelaide at home.
Will have to beat all those mobs to be serious flag contenders.
There was an even curiouser dénouement to the game the day after, when the dust had seemingly settled, and BBB Hall had copped a one match ban for a reprimand from the tribunal for attempting to give some Collingwood kiddie a light love tap.
The club then promptly certifies Hall as completely insane, and “mentally unfit” to play senior football, and suspends him indefinitely.
SC Roos only says Hall has “issues” and he is “not qualified” to suggest a possible date for his return to the fold, saying that was up to the club trick cyclist.
Hall, unhappy to say the least, says “it won’t help”, and he begins to question his future in Sydney, given that he thinks he’s an entirely normal kind of footballer.
As soon as people start talking about taking your medicine in order to prolong your football career, you might as well, as a mate says, seriously consider moving your career to the boxing tents in the NT and the Kimberly.
And the girlfriend he’s got in Melbourne, along with the one he maintains in Sydney, are both said to be “upset”.
It must be the first time ever that a player, in any code, has been involuntarily benched on account of alleged madness?
What’s the bloke meant to do?
Transfer to Rozelle?
SYDNEY: 1.3, 1.5, 2.7, 6.14 (50) Bird, Moore, Hall, O'Loughlin, Playfair, O'Keefe
COLLINGWOOD: 1.5, 5.7, 8.12, 11.13 (79) Thomas 3, Cloke 3, Medhurst 2, Wood, Didak, Anthony.
At Olympic Stadium, Homebush.
Crowd: 59,202.
The Tigers have been as quiet as church mice in the bye week.
Although SC Sheens did pop his head up briefly for the meeja, saying he’s rapidly running out of player roster with Matty Head now injured and out for three or four weeks.
He also conceded that in the likelihood that The Great Hoddo will give the NRL away at the end of the season, and see out his playing days with Huddersfield in the more comfortable English league, he is seriously considering fielding Benji Marshall in the No.1 jersey next season.
Lord, save us.
WEST TIGERS: Bye.
