Sculptors,
Who knows what the Ol' Wellingtonians would have thought of that.
Especially the first half when both sides were trying to cope with the greasy ball in the unusual New Zealand dew.
It was as if the pill was smeared with Nut Brown Kiwi Boot Polish.
Someone would have tried to explain to them the phrase "stacks on the mill" but it would probably have been lost in translation, and gone straight through to the 'keeper.
Still, being born as they are into the rugby union religion, in a land where rugby league is almost unknown, except in far northern parts, and Australian Football entirely foreign, they would be well acquainted with the scrimmage [of which there were plenty], the ruck work reminicent of the line-out, the goal-kicking, and the general carry on, but there would have been far too many offsides and knock-on's for their liking and they would have been perplexed by the seeming complete absence of any discernable rules, and laughed at the sight of the Bamford's running around in circles and blowing their whistles willy-nilly with no apparent ryhmn or reason.
The boundary umpires running backwards like raw prawns would have amused the Kiwi's no end.
Typically Strayan, those on the bleachers would have mused.
And what about the last quarter when the Swans were quite content to sit on the football and run down the clock, and just win by enough?
How is the concept of "sitting on the football" explained to all but keen students of the game?
No doubt any Wellingtonians, who were prepared to listen, would have been instructed in the utmost importance of the Championship Quarter, but they may have had trouble understanding "ah well, it all comes down to The Champo, as usual".
What's usual, they would have asked?
Looking at the scoreboard would have been no help.
Not exactly a grand exhibition of the skills of the Australian game by any measure in the inuagral international for serious points.
While the Hannebery Kiddie was rightly gonged with the What's His Name Again? Medal; in the shadow of the Tipsy brouhaha, special mention should be made of that other Adelaide Crows turncoat - The Childe Armstrong.
Put up a sterling show and did everything right throughout, for mine.
Most likely Best on Ground, even if no one agrees with me.
And with his mop-top hair-do he's obviously going to a better barber than Mummy, who now looks like a 70's porn star with spectacular mutton chops, or The Great Malceski, whose hair appears to have ungergone Electro-Convulsive Shock Therapy.
Teddy Richards, JPK, In Like McGlynn et al were just very good, as usual, and yet they go unsung for the most part.
Interesting that the Jetta Kiddie was made subsitute and only came on in the last quarter in case they needed fresh legs, and The Train hasn't exactly been on fire since the start of the season.
Is something wrong there?
No idea.
At Friday morning smoko at some private thermal blow-hole in Wellington, SC Horse would have cast his gaze back across the Tasman in the opposite direction and thought to himself "Aw well, what more do they want? Won ugly in a pretty little city. Take that anyday".
Doubt that the locals would have cottoned on to St Kilda's glaringly obviously problem - three superstar players in a weak side - fielding five players with less than five senior games each and "missing a whole age group" - screams of a major rebuilding project.
The Swans, of course, have no such problem, playing a team of Premiership players, bar two or three.
But they will have to be a bit more careful and a bit more wily to win against the really good sides to come, on that showing.
You have to like the trophy they played for - a small bronze of Simpson on his donkey - known as The Dodgy Donk.
That's after Simpson was recently exposed as a fraud; never happened, no heroics, figment of the collective imagination.
Obviously of little interest to the trophy makers, who would've cast the thing months ago, and weren't to know, then.
Is it The Perpetual Donk?
Who knows?
Yet another mystery.
ST KILDA: 3.1, 5.3, 6.6, 9.9 (63). Goals: Riewoldt 2, Montagna 2, Koschitzke, Ross, Dennis-Lane, Geary, Steven.
SYDNEY: 3.3, 6.7, 9.13, 11.13 (79). Goals: McGlynn 2, Parker 2, Kennedy, Richards, McVeigh, Bolton, Goodes, Jack, Mumford.
At Wellington Regional Stadium, New Zealand.
Crowd: 22,546.
Never did see a frame of this game.
And a good thing too, by all reports.
They say the highlights reel wasn't really worth watching.
Had much better things to do on a pearler of a day in the Emerald City, being blinded by the sparkle off the superlative water views from the beer garden of the Newport Arms Hotel.
Got home just in time to hear the radio summary of the day's play with the two commentators chatting idly amongst themselves running the program up to the top of the clock.
Said something about the first half being "riddled with errors and penalties", a "penaltyathon" was mentioned, and the second half was best described as "let's face it, very shabby football from both sides" before they came to the conclusion "well, you can't gild the lily - a terrible game of football".
That's enough for me.
Not to mention the horror injury toll Balmain had; Young Timmy Moltzen - perhaps the best utility back in the team - hobbled off with a season-ending knee that'll require a full ACL reconstruction, the Ayshford Kiddie gorn with just minutes left on the clock with a suspected broken leg, just above the ankle - anyone would struggle to come back from that; just ask Taniela Tuiaki, he'll tell you.
And then there's Chris "The Try Scoring Freak" Lawrence unable to complete the match after picking up a hammy of indeterminate severity, but it doesn't look good.
Of course Anasta has a groin, won't play for a while, The Great Benji's toe doesn't get any better, and Tuqiri might as well resign himself to retiring from a glittering career cruelled by injury.
In the end, Wests played the back half of the last half a man down on the bench, and in the end contrived to clear the bench and then some, and could only field 12 players for the last six minutes of the game.
Joisus.
Good luck, Coach Harry, in trying to find 13 fit players required to fill a rugby league team, let alone another four reserves, for next week.
There's not much happening in Reserve Grade by all accounts, with the exception of Jacob Miller, that would mandate a step-up to First Grade under normal circumstances, and anyone in the U21's are still just children, who'd be like lambs to the slaughter in the big league.
So where to now?
There is no doubt the Mighty Tiges have lost their way - it's as plain as day for all to see - but you'd have to fear the Coach doesn't have a Plan B.
Never mind that the nurses in Sick Bay will soon be telling anyone else who requests admission: "fark off! we're full!"
Coach has to factor that possibilty into the roster and try to take out catastrophic injury insurance if you can, which Balmain clearly hasn't.
The premiums can't be all that exorbidant, surely?
When it's all said and done, someone has to say it in the current state of affairs...
Season Over.
Oh, the horror!
The Philosopher was right.
For the legion of Wests Tigers fans - and, believe me, we are everywhere - It's going to be a very, very long season.
WESTS TIGERS 10. Tries: Spence, Utai. Goals: Sironen (1).
BRISBANE BRONCOS 20. Tries: Gillett (2), Hodges, Norman. Goals: Parker (1), Prince (1).
At Campbelltown Sports Ground.
Crowd: 11,547.
