Bar-room brawlers,
Amid all the brou-ha-ha in Durban, it's easy to overlook the fact that "we won the cricket".
Smiffy and the Marsh Bros. set up Straya's 1st innings nicely on what looked like a road, then Starkers sliced through the kaffir-kickers with unplayable spells of clever reverse-swing bowling, and after the Springboks got rolled to be 189 behind after tea on the second day, it was goodnight nurse.
Game over.
Not even competitive.
118 runs is a handy winning margin for a side that failed to score a century in either innings.
The tourists are all over them and the hosts will have to lift their game considerably from this Friday in Port Elizabeth, with Straya holding a priceless 1-0 led in a four test series, otherwise the they could be finding themselves going down the swirling bog-hole that is Seth Efreaker, while Smiffy ticks another one off the Bucket List.
And then there is all this talk of players fully fighting with each other in the Pav, after the cat-calls on the ground got out of control.
According to the fishwraps, spy camera's apparently show The Rev. Dave Warner in a grandstand stairwell attempting to get Q de Kock in a headlock in order to clock the bloke, after the on-field sledging "got personal".
No one is in any doubt that Burbs has form in this Dept. over many many years - as My Spy at The Ground reported as it happened via the Bush Telegraph, "Dave Warner From The Suburbs caught out on CCTV roughing up Q de Kock in the Players Pavilion. Davey has form with Root, now he's flogging the Cock."
The South African manager, Mohammed Moosajee, was unequivocal in his assessment “There were words said out on the field. If you are saying something you’ve got to take it and that’s the opinion of Quinton. Let the investigations begin and let the match officials decide”.
In other words, Mr Moose, if you want to engage in Psych War, make sure yr on the winning side.
Yippee!
Let the Kangaroo Court begin!
Can't wait.
What would MJ Clarke do in such an egregious situation?
Pup'd probably just go around threatening to break bloke's farking arms, that's all.
[Michael also has bar-room form on The Veldt, apart from doing his Shagger's Back no good at all after breaking a bed with Miss South Africa, but that's by-the-by].
Seriously tho', straight up, the weak-as-piss Bamfords-in-Charge for this one, HDPK Dharmasena and S Ravi, obviously failed miserably to stamp their new-found authority on the match, while the previously clear[ish] role of the Captains in on field disputes is now hopelessly muddied by the ridiculous new "Cake Code" of The Laws, currently in force.
Under the Cake Code [named after the Chairman of the MCC's Laws Sub-Committee, Russell Cake] the Umps now have the power to implement penalties for no less than four levels of miscreant misbehavior.
Four? Why not go the whole hog and make it five, or ten, for that matter.
But, instead of simply going for red and yellow cards, the powers-that-be, in outrageous pandering to politically correct cricketness are tying the Bamfords into all sorts of knots by making them perform hand signals to the scorers, for Chrissake.
Check this for complete and utter gobbledygook:
"under Fair and Unfair play"
Four different levels of offences have been created, with Level 4 being the most serious. The umpires shall determine into which of the Levels an unfair action falls and will apply the appropriate sanction. The four levels of sanction are set as:
Level 1: Warning then 5 penalty runs to the opposition for a repeat offence.
Level 2: 5 Penalty runs to the opposition.
Level 3: Offending player is suspended for a number of overs, depending on the length of the match, plus 5 Penalty runs to the opposition.
Level 4: Offending player is removed from the field for the rest of the match, plus 5 Penalty runs to the opposition.
For all offences under Level 1-4, the umpire will call Time and summon the relevant captain, who will be informed of the breach of Law and the associated penalty. If appropriate, the umpire will instruct the captain to remove the offending player from the field.
New signals for Level 3 and Level 4 offences have been created, which are covered in Law 2.13. The signal for each offence is made to the scorers, not the player, and starts with the umpire putting an arm out to the side of the body and repeatedly
raising it and lowering it. For Level 3 offences, this is followed by raising both hands, all fingers spread, to shoulder height, palms facing towards the scorers. For Level 4 offences, the first part is followed by raising an index finger, held at shoulder height, to the side of the body.
Really?
There's nothing in the Laws pertaining to the behaviour of individuals in the Pavilion, so surely the Match Referee is powerless on this one?
Then Bowling Gary gets fined 15% of his match fee for dropping the ball near, not on, but near some loser who's sprawled out on the ground after just committing the cardinal sin in test cricket - running yourself out.
Unsportsmanlike like conduct?
Not in the "Spirit of The Game"?
NM Lyon, who pleaded no contest, should have been given a gold medal, for mine.
Can someone, please, tell me WTF is going on?
Craves.
As a footnote to all the above nonsense, it was very pleasing to hear not one, but two competing radio calls of the match - an ancient technology making a triumphant comeback in a world flooded with mass communications on a scale unimaginable in Marconi's day.
In the end, it's cheap to make; all you need is a 10khz line into the ground, some microphones, a technical producer, and a couple of clowns rabbiting on endlessly.
In days gone by it was extremely difficult to get any radio commentary at all - nay, impossible - of Australia playing away.
You could pay for TV alright, but the wireless? Forget it.
And now we have two, both for free, after Gerard Whateley sold his soul to commercial radio.
So it's good old fashioned head-to-head, with Whatey taking on Jim "The Foghorn" Maxwell of the Australian Broadcasting Commission.
Bravo!
Being an old commercial radio man, don't mind advertisements for hardware products and lawnmowers being played during breaks in play, and sponsor's mentions between overs.
So, found myself of an evening attending to my hobbies various with the digital radio tuned to ABC Grandstand in Dad's Shed, and the live-to-air feed of SEN streaming into my desktop.
Woot!
It's way too early to choose which one is the best; we'll see after four tests when the ratings book comes in.
