Optimists,
Seen the squads.
Seen the scorecard from the Injun's training run in Bangladesh.
[My Spy at The Ground reckons the Viral Kat knocked up a lazy double-ton in 295 minutes in a total of 6/687 dec, as India thumped the hapless Bangers by 208 runs, after stretching the match to five days for some good centre-wicket practice by not enforcing the follow-on].
Seen footage of Straya pulling their puds in the nets in Dubai [Doobers, dahlink? The shopping's good, and they say it's very nice there at this time of year. But, WTF?]
So, there is no alternative but to come to the sorry conclusion that the Curry Munchers will make 4-zip mincemeat of Straya and have them like kippers on heavily-buttered toast for breakfast to mix a metaphor, starting next week in the first Test in that good ol' hill station Poona - the "Oxford of the East" - gin and tonics all round, wot ho?
No-one in the 16-man touring party looks anywhere close to a game-breaker for mine, on Indian decks.
While it's all well and good to have first-rate run-plunderers in the top order on dirt roads, and a squad heavy on slow men - you'd want at least a two-pronged spin attack - whatever happened to all those young tweakers just waiting to burst on the scene as The Great White Hope/The New Warnie?
Keefey will go well, he's done the rounds of the kitchen and is ideal for tying up an end in his dotage, while Bowling Garry is a wily old bugger who could take second innings wickets, but perhaps, not when it matters.
Ashton Agar is now 23, but after two Tests in curious circumstances as a Yoof, how a slow left-arm orthodox dude will go on pitches that are as flat out as a lizard drinking is anyone's guess.
Bowl dibbly dobblers and you'll be eaten alive.
And, really, who the hell is Mitchell Swepson?
What's he ever done?
And can someone please, please tell the selectors, there is absolutely no need for an "all-rounder" in India.
You bat, you bowl, you bat, you bowl, but you have to get the bastards out twice.
Unlike Mr Stephen Waugh Esq Sir and the Rt Hon the Lord Poobah Ponting; Smiffy, you'd have to fear, will end up hating the sub-continent with a passion.
And the books - who are rarely wrong in these matters - don't like their chances either, if you follow the money.
Current betting on the series?
India 4-0 the fave at $3.25, followed by India 3-0 at $3.50.
Australia to win series 4-0 or 3-0?
$101.
Write yr own ticket.
Under such difficult circumstances, it's problematic for me to shake off the sobriquet of the Eternal Pessimist.
In the meantime, MJ Clarke's career as a stellar T20 coach hasn't got off to exactly the greatest of starts, with Prime Minister Trumble's XI being whooped somethin' bad by the touring Ceylonese in the National Capital.
Shit.
Then, Pup's skipper, AC Voges, at 37 years old, announces that that's it - retires from international cricket with a Test average of 61.87 after 20 matches - who knew that's second only to Sir Donald?
The game never ceases to amaze.
Was Mr Trundle even there - just to toss the coin and go? - or was he too busy putting out spot fires in the Parliament and explaining in great detail to the House how the Blackfella's continue to cop a gigantic tusk up the runter through no fault of their own?
Back in the day, when RJ Hawke was in charge, he would have skipped Question Time and been at the ground all day - his diary clerk would've written "at cricket" - glad-handing anyone he could lay his mighty mits on.
Hawkey, being the magnanimous man that he is, would have forgiven Clarkey for his below average pipe-opener to this coaching caper.
Bob would have been pleased to see one of his guests, the opening batsman/wicketkeeper called Niroshan Dickwella make the equal top score for the Sri Lankans.
Anyone called Dickwella would be alright in his books.
Woot!
However, our current Great and Glorious Leader would have been most displeased at the unfolding of events at Manuka over which he had no control, none, whatsoever.
No post-match victory canapes and cocktails at The Lodge for you losers, no siree.
Pup's name is mud in Canberra right now.
Shame.
Craves
