"over the moon"

Lawbreakers,

We were hounded out of the top deck of the Brewongle Stand by the fun police at half time for the crime of minding our own business and not bothering anyone while smoking right next to the large "Thank You For Not Smoking" sign on the fire escape steps out the back of the stand in clear uncovered air overlooking Moore Park.
Wanted to say to the officious official that it never occured to me that any thanks would be coming my way, but then thought better of it.
Instead, we put our hands up and pleaded guilty.
We were then put in the hands of a nice female security guard who told us "you are in the wrong area for smoking".
After we readily agreed with her, she very politely herded us through a crowded bar to the service/cripples lift to go to ground level where the 'designated smoking area' is.
Ditched the cigarette as soon as we were busted, but still astonished that me mate ponced his way through the whole process with a lit scoob in his hand, having a sneaky toke here and there, or that it was still going when we got out of the lift on the ground floor.
Crikey!
After catching our breath, imagine our surprise then to find none other than SC Roos getting into the lift as we made our way back to our seats.
The conversation went something like this.
Us: "Oh. Hello, Coach. How ya goin'? Waddaya reckon about the game?"
SC Roos: " It's tight. I've got to get out. How do you get to the top deck? What level is it on?"
We shrugged our shoulders and looked at the lift buttons.
Us: "Looks like it might be level 5, boss, as level 6 appears to be occupied by Club SCG".
SC Roos pushed the five button and said "What is Club SCG?".
We shrugged our shoulders again.
After seeing three goals soccered off the ground in the first quarter, we had discussed the merits of putting in a goal keeper in the prevailing slippery and slightly boggy conditions, i.e. anchor the full back in the goal square and tell him to use his head, arms, and feet, as well as his hands, to deflect the incoming ball away from the big sticks at any cost.
We put the concept to him, but Roosey dismissed it out of hand:
SC Roos "Nah. They'll just pick it up and kick it over his head".
The lift doors opened on the next level and a flunkie of Indian extraction in a bow tie got in.
SC Roos repeated his question:
"What is Club SCG?"
Flunky: "It's a function room, sir, that's run by the Trustees".
Us: "So, it's something like the Chairman's Dining Room, is it?
Flunky: "Oh, no,no, no, sir! That's different room altogether!".
You wouldn't believe it unless you were there.
Here's a bloke who coached Sydney for how many years, who didn't know how to get to the top of the Brewongle Stand and was blissfuly unaware of the existence of Club SCG.
SC Roos got out of the lift and went and sat by himself, perched on a spare seat a few rows down from us, for the whole Championship Quarter, occasionally tapping text on his phone, looking nervous and intense.
He slumped further into his seat as the final quarter progessed and disappeared with about 15 minutes to go.
Didn't see him leave, as if he went up in a puff of smoke.
Through all that time, no-one spoke to him apart from us and the flunky, no-one asked for his autograph or to have a photo taken with him.
Suppose that once you have given the main game away, you pretty quickly go from rooster to feather duster.
Here's a living legend who, by and large, went unrecognised, forgotten, discarded.
Somebody to nobody.
He seemed fairly unperturbed that everyone's moved on.
The match itself wasn't of much consequence.
Dour wet weather football.
No goals at all kicked in the second quarter tells you what it was like.
In the end, it turned into The Eddie Betts Show, in a clever reply to In Like McGlynn's bag of goals.
Such a shame that the match was won and lost on the back of an entirely stupid dumb bastard idiot ridiculous decision on the part on the mongs purportedly running the game.
Lord, save us.
Swans pinged for an interchange infringement, with the Bamfords accusing them of having too many players on the ground, even though the Sydney bench staff were screaming at the Bamfords telling them they were actually one bloke short on the field and and had too many blokes on the bench!
Lord, save us.
The upshot being a 50m penalty for the Double Blues from the centre bounce, which at SCG means being gifted a goal, after it took the Bamford's an eon to make up their minds, killing any momentum the home side might have had.
Lord, save us.
Never mind that the Umpires were proved dead wrong on careful analysis; never mind the glib half hearted "apology" from the AFL for the "mistake"; it doesn't change the scoreboard, does it??
Lord, save us.
Could go on about it but won't.
Still, it's pretty hard to put up with culpable incompetance on the part of officialdom.
A pity that the Swans gave up after that, reasonably thinking they were shot birds under the circumstances.
Disappointing that they put their hands in the air in surrender, but who can blame them after that entirely unwarranted cruel and unusual punishment for something they never did.
Lord, save us.
After five inches of rain in a week and with heavy showers still about, little wonder the official crowd figure was, once again, well inflated.
A cursory glace around the ground, which now holds a 42,000 capacity at absolute maximum after the re-build, revealed the place to be barely half full.
As someone close to us who overheard us said, "they're all in the bars".
The whole damned thing was summed up well by a woman in a red and white cardigan on the event bus back to Central after the game who announced to anyone listening "I've been looking forward to this wedding all year, and to think, I gave it up for this".
Tickets are in hand for the Menzies Terrace at Manuka Oval for this weekend's early Saturday afternoon game, on the principle that you can't be considered to be a real fan unless you go to at least one away game a season.
Doesn't matter if you win or lose, you will have done the hard yards either way.

SYDNEY: 5.2, 5.8, 8.8, 10.11 (71). Goals: McGlynn 4, McVeigh 2, Mumford 2, Moore, Jack.
CARLTON: 3.1, 3.6, 8.9, 12.15 (87). Goals: Betts 4, Walker 2, Garlett 2, Joseph, Waite, O'hAilpin, S.White.
At Sydney Cricket Ground.
Crowd: 28,081.

Found myself in an unfamiliar unusual Front Bar on one of those sparkling days in the Emerald City.
Maroubra Seals Club, of all places.
A run down dump now, but has the advantage of the magnificent view of the huge rolling surf and the cheap cold beer.
It appeared no Brown Brothers were allowed.
It's a a strictly White Bread sort of place.
And 100% men too, most of whom were about my vintage or older; no women.
Cocked half an eyebrow, before realising that that's just the way it's done there.
It doesn't pretend to be cosmopolitan.
Only took to round 8 for the Tigers to hit their straps; fair enough given what's been going on down in Sick Bay.
What impressed most was the brilliance of the kicking game, with Benji, Louie Lui, and The Best Leb In The Game all putting it on the toe in no end of clever set plays.
Eight tries to two tells you they are doing something right out back!
Balmain forwards outclassed the Raiders pack, simple as that, with Heighington leading the way as the "Defensive Captain", as the new Assistant Coach Peter Gentle described him on interview after the match.
Pleasing to note a couple of days before the game that SC Sheens had a meeting with The Club Secretary Stephen "Son of Kevin" Humphreys, probably in some cafe in Chiswick, and agreed to new terms to extend his contract by a further three years.
Despite what SC Sheens called "a flattering offer" from Penrith, he eschewed the extra lard that the Chocolate Soldiers were offering on the bottom line, and took the three years, as the Panthers were only prepared to go to two years, and besides, he says that he still has things to do with the team he's got.
An oblique reference to another Premiership, perhaps?
The Club Secretary admitted openly that there would be a faction in the club that would not be entirely happy with the re-signing, but The Board signed off on the decision, and "the vast majority of fans would be delighted with the re-appointment".
Got that right.
On hearing the news, Benji Marshall said he was "over the moon".
That's got to be enough for anyone.
Sheens is nothing if not clever.
At age 60, you'd want a three year deal to take you through to the "time to give it away, son" end game after a full 30 years in the coaching caper, then take up the pipe and slippers, but only then.
He'd be happy enough to take this week off from Leichhardt after that, and go and coach the Strayan Kangaroos for a few days for a one-off test match up on the Gold Coast.
Reckons he might enjoy having the "best team in the world" on his hands and plotting against the second best player in the Balmain side, who just happens to be the New Zealand captain.
All power to his oars.

CANBERRA RAIDERS 12: Tries: Dugan (2). Goals: Croker (2).
WESTS TIGERS 49: Tries: McKinnon (2), Utai, Fulton, Heighington, Marshall, Dwyer, Fifita. Goals: Marshall (7), Moltzen (1). Field Goals: Marshall (1).
At Canberra Stadium.
Crowd: 13,425.

ruined by the whistle

Bar Fly's,

You only have to look at the penalty count to confirm it was a game ruined by the whistle.
16 of 'em in all, 9 to Brisbane and 7 to Balmain.
The Bamfords made a rod for their own backs and then ended up looking like fools to themselves and a burden on the community.
Lord, spare me.
Little wonder the trigger happy refs had to have a police escort to get them off the ground unscathed at full time.
A fool called Suttor was the most heavily guarded.
That said, the Tigers had played the game too many times in their heads before they even got to the ground.
One of the rare occasions that SC Sheens was guilty of overcoaching a team - dressing room shot on the crystal bucket before the game with the coach in a huddle with his strike weapons pouring over the charts and the gin-soaked plans was enough to set the players involved off to yawning, and looking away at the bare walls.
To be fair, on interview after the game, SC Sheens admitted that he only had himself to blame.
Spent far too much time on trying to break the Brisbane brick wall with some tricksy set plays that only worked once in a while, while neglecting to deal with the Broncos fairly potent attack in its own right; not to metion the distinct possibilty of being cruelled by Lockyer's kicking game.
They'll learn from their losses, you'd only hope.
There's now no doubt that the boffins down in the Rehab Dept have been putting in their overtime chits.
Everyone loved the television images of Robert "Louie" Lui's appearance at the ground, having already been relieved of his bag by an attendant, going into the changing rooms showing the thumbs up and a big smile on his face with his boots strung over his shoulder by their laces as if he was saying he was ready to play after getting himself an early discharge from Sick Bay, despite not being on the radar at all in the named team on Tuesday, .
SC Sheens promptly picked him at half-back in the run-on side playing in jumper No.18 in the final team sheet that has to be submitted to referee's an hour before kick off.
Did well, good hands, some nice work through the backline, scored a try.
Getting Fulton back on the bench and "Be My Beau" Ryan back on the paddock well before the the HabBoys thought they would were projects well done.
Pity the poor chap Ryan found himself well short of a run and way out of practice, and had a dead set shocker on return; coughing the ball up cold to gift the Broncos the springboard to victory didn't help things that much.
The Room Full of Mirrors beckons.
You'd have to think something is wrong if the Mighty Tiges can't beat last placed Canberra away this weekend and then enjoy the bye to keep things on an even keel?
At this stage, it appears at first glance that the season, as they say in the classics, is 'delicately poised'.
With Balmain at 8th, it looks like it could be a run away top four, with a log jam in five to nine.
The rest in ten to sixteen will just please themselves and carry on regardless.
The Club Secretary will tell you the aim is not to be among them.

WESTS TIGERS 18. Tries: Moltzen (2), Lui. Goals: Marshall (3).
BRISBANE BRONCOS 31. Tries: Glenn, Lockyer, Thaiday, Wallace, Yow-Yeh. Goals: Parker (5). Field Goals: Lockyer (1).
At Sydney Football Stadium.
Crowd: 19,494.

You'd have to wonder if Coach Horse continues the tradition that SC Roos had over many years of hosting a slap-up BBQ with full bar at his place for the team on the Saturday of the bye weekend?
It may have fallen into disuse now that there are two byes a season.
Or perhaps, St Paul contines the tradition himself, even though he's now coaching the Under 9's?
A few well placed words from the Super Coach in some appropriate shell-likes probably wouldn't go astray at this juncture.
But, who knows?

SYDNEY: Bye.

sold a pram full of dummies

Revengists,

There's only one bloke who can mix his metaphors better than me, and that's Tim Sheens.
He really did say on interview after the game "we are brain dead because we shot ourselves in the foot time and time again".
Mid afternoon Friday, wandered into the Front Bar at The Local and found The Philosopher enscounced in his usual possie under the mirror in the dimly lit corner of the room contemplating this week's favoured tipple.
A large vodka and tonic with two slices of lemon.
Now, as we know, The Philospher is loathe to venture an opinion or make make an informed comment on anything, let alone something as insignificant as football.
But when pressed on his thoughts about the evening's game, he did manage five words as if it was a throw away line: "Prince could get murdered tonight".
And so it came to pass.
Prince was hammered in every tackle, and hit late and put on his backside after every kick.
Copped a clothesline around the chops that the Bamford's missed, not to mention the odd squirrel grip going on here and there, and then there was the Christmas Hold option.
Clearly, Prince was getting "special treatment".
Balmain people don't forgive easily and never forget.
Prince taking the truckload of cash from the Gold Coast in '06 whilst trading on the fact that he was a Premiership Ring wearer from just the year before is still viewed as a bastard act of treachery among the Leichhardt faithful.
Never mind that the idiot Balmain board let him go in what SC Sheens described as "the worst decision made by any football club in my entire rugby league career".
Getting the scoundrel was among just a few personal vendettas going on, which for mine, distracted the Miracle of '05 veterans from the game at hand.
They were 14-0 up after 11 minutes then rested on their laurels, for gawd's sake, while going around bashing a few blokes up and putting on some cheap shots.
While they were busy doing that, none of the set plays worked, they were seriously harrassed in defence, and just failed to grasp the nettle in the second half.
It always looked like it would come to nought, then Prince had the last throw of the dice.
Sold the Tigers defence a pram full of dummies to stroll in untouched for the softest match winning try of the season, as they stood around and looked at each other while shaking their heads.
Didn't help that The Refrigerator made two inexplicable mistakes, to wit, knocking on in the play the ball late in the piece to serve the game up to the Titans on a silver platter.
To make matters worse, The Fridge is down to Sick bay for at least a fortnight with an ankle.
Nurse!
You can only hope the boffins down in the Rehab Dept are putting in their overtime chits.
With plenty of time on his hands, Toddy'll be the first one this season to be sent down to the Room Full Of Mirrors on the Balmain Road, to have a good look at himself.
Could not believe the news that Mr Chris Heighington became the subject of a joke charge for a 'careless' high tackle on that serial pest Greg Bird -- without doubt the most annoying person in the entire game.
Heighington decided in a split second that he'd have to take that one up to the judiciary, thank you very much.
Slip on his best suit and tie and take a good QC with him, who no doubt would have advised him not to appear before the Panel of His Eminences and say in his defence "it wasn't careless, guvna. I wanted to flatten the bloke, y'know, give him a real good clock around the ears and nose, y'know, teach the low bastard a lesson. I could carry on like a pork chop, but, like, you know what he's like, just disappointed that I didn't give him a better one, a real good shot, y'know, guvna".
Lord, spare me.
At the very least, our lad deserves natural justice.
SC Sheens also remarked on interview "no wonder coaches lose hair and go grey".
Like something straight out of the Picture of Dorian Gray.
You can just the see the coach pulling his hair out over dinner, and then watching it as it continues to go grey while it lies there on the kitchen table.
The Club Secretary might be scrabbling about in the back of the football office looking for the abacus as there is a bit to ponder.
3-3 after six is enough to put you thereabouts, but with the best part of a quarter of the season gone, will have to do better to threaten the top four.
Needless to say, it doesn't get any easier this week against the in-form Brisbane outfit at home.

GOLD COAST TITANS 20. Tries: Zillman (2), Minichiello, Prince. Goals: Prince (2).
WESTS TIGERS 14. Tries: Dwyer, Heighington. Goals: Marshall (3).
At Robina Park.
Crowd: 17,221.

Awoke in the very small hours of Saturday morning to the sound of torrential, flooding rain on the tin roof.
Immediately thought "ooh, it'll be a wet track at HQ".
Not surprised to find 48mm [that's two inches in the old money] in the backyard rain gauge and my rocket and swiss chard seedlings washed away.
Good thing that the GLW eschewed the chance of getting a cheap ticket to the Doncaster Day/Swans Game double.
Given that it rained all day and night, no one really fancied the prospect of the inevitable punters nightmare on a bog track at Randwick, then arriving at the G without your shirt, only to watch pigs rootin' in mud and your side go down in a mudbath.
In a match where tactics pretty much went out the window and structure was the baby thrown out with the bathwater, Geelong just found a better fit on the head for their wet weather thinking caps.
Cats valued patience at a premium.
Nothing much to it.
Swans didn't win the lottery.
Oh well.
What's news?
No heroics.
No Nick Davis Come To Save Us this time [Davis, of course, played the best quarter of Rules football ever seen at the SCG the last time the two teams engaged each other on the ground five and half years ago -- it messed with his head; after being consistently dropped, he was unceremoniously shuffled out the back door with an attitude/weight/injury/drink/drugs/problem three years later, and never played again. Probably sleeping under the old Glebe Island bridge, for all we know].
While the Swans quite rightly pin their hopes on the veterans and journeymen to provide the backbone with their skills in the air and in the wrestle, the weather exposed most of them as having lost a couple of yards in pace and finding it difficult to compete with the ball running on the ground.
That could be a problem.
Seasoned observers at the ground noted that it's interesting to see how the young fellas are going; the Jetta Kiddie and Spida Jnr being a case in point.
Going from creditable performances, including the goal of the year, last week, to a patchy showing at best from both of them against serious opposition players this week.
Guess it can be put down to the inexperience and inconsistency of the Yoof of Today.
In normal circumstances you'd send 'em for a stint in reserves to get them up to standard, but who else is there to play?
The hard truth for anyone under 21 in this caper is that Rules, among all the football codes, is probably the hardest to learn how to play well.
Coach Longmire would have been happy enough to get to Sunday morning smoko by the magic waters at Bronte, take up his position on the much vaunted and prized flat rock, recently vacated by SC Roos, and gaze out over the Tasman Sea to the horizon, and have a good think about things.
Happy enough, too, to have the bye this week.
At least then nothing can go wrong over Easter.

SYDNEY: 4.3 4.5 6.9 7.12 (54). Goals: Bevan 2 Mumford 2 Goodes Kennedy O'Keefe.
GEELONG: 3.2 6.6 8.10 11.15 (81). Goals: Wojcinski 3 Chapman 2 Enright Ling Menzel Podsiadly Johnson Varcoe.
At Sydney Cricket Ground.
Crowd: 25,300.

The Great Train Robbery narrowly averted

Heart Patients,


Given his appalling record as a goal kicker, The Great Benji's field goal attempt from just inside his own half somewhere near the middle of the 50 metre line seemed preposterous at best.
And yet the ball sailed sweetly off the boot, flew high wide and handsome; had plenty of height and no trouble with the distance, but managed to shave a coat of paint off the left upright before gently rolling across the dead ball line just as the half-time hooter sounded for no result,
Never mind that it was roundly applauded as a red hot go.
Noticed SC Sheens has a very clever ploy going on, based on the paradox that no one can fault Marshall with his kicking in general play.
Benji never kicked on the last tackle at any point in the match; always got the clearing kick away on the 3rd or 4th tackle.
That way the valve on the pressure cooker is released, you make the opposition do a lot more work in attack for very little territorial advantage, while your forwards take up the invitation to bash the visitors from pillar to post.
That will take the puff and the stuffing out of any side, especially if they don't have fresh legs to put on the in the last 20 minutes.
Coach doesn't mind being behind, knowing the likelihood of coming home under a wet sail is always likely.
If there were any kiddies at the ground their mentors would do doubt have been instrructing them to take a close look at proceedings as "an excellent text book example of well-coached team-work, against the odds"
Inglis for Souths was the only fly in the ointment early, with seasoned observers at the ground questioning whether his shoulder charge is actually legal.
He lines his intended victim up with a tank gun, and then boom!
However, the resultant bone-rattling bell-ringer is late more often than not, moments after the tacklee has disposed of the ball.
The thug obviously thinks its not illegal unless you get caught, so continues to go on with it, and is only encouraged as the Bamfords by and large see nothing wrong with it.
Go figure.
Speaking of Bamfords, after a minor stink in the second half it was rather humourous to see the ref, officiating in just his 8th first grade game, dress down the players saying "now listen up, you blokes can't take the law into your own hands".
Yeah. Right.
And then Marshall gets sin-binned for ten minutes with four minutes left in the match for holding a player down in the tackle, and strides off to the rooms to a standing ovation.
The Best Leb In the Game and The Great Benji superbly orchestrated the set plays, and the continuation of the Farah/Marshall show, week in, week out, will be the difference between winning and losing all season.
Lord help us if either of them gets run over by a George Street bus.
The return of That Pom Ellis adds starch to the pack, but there's still nine first graders in Sick Bay, with none of them back any time soon.
Even with an injury list that long, SC Sheens sees no need to throw the new wunderkid Jacob Miller in at the deep end, bringing him on only in the 65th minute.
There's always delicious satisfaction beating Souths, especially after being at the SCG last year to see Balmain absolutely flogged by the Rabbitohs 50-10 [the game the players were forced to apologise to the fans for, and the tipping point that sent them on the road to finishing 3rd].
Did like the shot on the crystal bucket of Rusty Crowe sitting all by himself in the Souths Owner's Box, with all the other people squeezed as tightly as they could into the opposite corner.
The bloke must stink.
Either that, or he's a sore loser.

WESTS TIGERS 30. Tries: Dwyer (2), Brown, Marshall, McKinnon. Goals: Marshall (5).
SOUTH SYDNEY RABBITOHS 6. Tries: Sandow. Goals: Sandow (1).
At Sydney Football Stadium.
Crowd: 22,677.


Watching the Cardiac Kids is not easy.
Never ming reaching for the heart pills, it seemed a sure thing during the final stanza that the ambo's would turn up at my place, lay me out on a gurney and wheel me up the street and around the corner to Canterbury Hospital for an emergency triple by-pass.
Why is it that in recent seasons the Swans rarely get thrashed, and rarely thrash any opposition?
With the Swans down by 6 points at three quarter time, there was a live chance that the Red and the White could have gone down by that exact margin, right to the very death.
That wouldn't have sat very well.
Given that early in the first quarter a perfectly good goal from Goodes was ruled by the vision-impaired [read legally blind] goal Bamford as a behind.
Wot the?
Human frailty you can understand and forgive, but it's very hard to tolerate plain incompetance on the part of officialdom.
The Great Train Robbery narrowly averted.
It's a bit of a worry when at first glance the Swans seem to be being coached by Mr Ed to constantly chop and change between Plan A and Plan B, whatever Plan A and Plan B might be.
Going from the the 'traditional' flood into the backline and endless stacks on the mill, then suddenly its the long bomb and hope with few if any players in the forward 50.
Doesn't smack much of structure, for mine.
Lets see how it pans out over the next few weeks.
You'd be prepared to cut the new coach a bit of slack at this stage; as he keeps telling the Club Secretary "still feeling my way boss", and who can argue with his charges yet to taste defeat after three rounds rounds?.
Not a lot of consistency either; Rick Shaw might have been best on ground up to half-time and then went missing in action, while In Like McGlynn did nothing in the first half, only to play a blinder for most of the second, with Smiffy and Spida Jnr left with the task of tidying up the win at the denoument.
Then there's the young bloke in the team who hasn't been told about or can't remember any game plan and just goes about doing his own thing; in the process producing the goal of the year.
The young Jetta kiddie -- found himself hovering about on the half-back line when the pill came his way, got possession, lost it, and then neatly tapped the ball on three times on the run, regathered, one bounce, and a kick from 60 metres out that bounced a few times in the goal square before dribbling through the big sticks.
Magnificent.
One more win and they'd be building into a very handy early season purple patch.
But the game at HQ this Saturday night against the Cats will provide a rather good yardstick with which to measure themselves by.
And please, no more of this cardiac stuff, OK, Horse?




WEST COAST EAGLES: 3.3, 6.8, 10.10, 13.10 (88). Goals: Lynch 4, Cox 2, Embley, Ebert, Kennedy, Gaff, Shuey, Selwood, Naitanui.
SYDNEY SWANS: 3.3, 7.5, 9.10, 15.11 (101). Goals: Goodes 3, Everitt, McGlynn 2, Jetta, Shaw, Bolton, Rohan, Smith, White.
At Subiaco Oval.
Crowd: 37,288.

Crazy Craves Art Market

High Rollers,

Off topic to be sure, but here it is, for another year.
My book on the 2011 Archibald Prize.
It's a market that is not based on or revolves around any kind of artistic merit whatsoever; rather logic, determined purely on form.
The AGNSW Trustees, who decide the winner and award the prize, have form.
They might not know anything about art, but they know what they like.
Half the painters in a gargantuan field have form, some over a lot of years of trying in the caper, including no less than five previous winners and plenty more who have been hung before.
It's a wide open affair with many genuine chances.
My Tip?
The Miller is the sentimental favourite for mine, while Sages is well overdue for a win.
Neither is likely to salute the judges.
The choice is yours.



CRAZY CRAVES ART MARKET

[Archibald Prize 2011. Listed Race. Over any distance you like. Set weights. All-age Painter's Free-For-All, with conditions. Subject must be prominent person in fields of Arts, Letters, Sciences, or Politics. First past the post only. No protests. No disqualifications. Run: Art Gallery of New South Wales, Friday 16 April, 1200 AEST].

4/1 Quilty.
9/2 Chang, Harding, Miller.
13/2 Dyer, Sages, Shen, Ruddy.
10/1 Cullen, Culliton, McKenzie, Tippet.
12/1 Chen, McDonald, Pople.
16/1 Done, Ling, Lowry.
25/1 Abdullah, Callum, de Berenger, Marburg, Storrier, Wegener.
33/1 Alexander, Barton, Beynon, Doust, Kibel, Kretschmar.
50/1 Bieniek, Benjamin, Lindeman, Mezei, Stafanescu.
100/1 But-Husaim, McVinish, Macbeth, Tyson, Yin.
150/1 Fantauzzo, No prize awarded.

on two crook nuts

Registered Nurses,

It had that air of all-too predictable inevitabillty about it.
Little wonder with no less than eleven [needless to say, that's two short of a team in this caper] rostered first grade players in The Sick Bay and The Best Leb In The Game afflicted with some disease/injury of/to the goddam pubis, for gawd sake.
West Tigers website thoughtfully maintains a regularly updated injured players list.
You know the sort of thing; name of player, cause of problem "knee", "groin", "shoulder", and earliest expected round of return - four of them are listed as "indefinite", but thankfully, at this stage, no one appears as "season".
With the very bad luck they've been having in that department so early in the season, the pessimist would say its only a matter of time before all hope is lost.
Balmain are not short on fitness; with the coaches they've got they'd be being flogged on the training paddock, so why the seeming fragileness?
The Club Doctor confesses that he doesn't have a clue.
To make matters worse, mid-week before the game three players, to wit Bryce Gibbs, Beau Ryan and Liam Fulton, were reprimanded and fined for failing to adhere to the no alcohol whatsoever rule for players in injury rehab, the weekend previous.
Seems they were spotted in a dark corner of the leagues club ordering the steak and chips and a couple of beers while settling in to watch some other rugby league game on the big screen.
No one is quite sure why they did it, or if it was an act of open defiance against the ban.
They're not saying, maintaining their right to silence.
The Coach and The Board took a dim view of it, but the Club Secretary eventually, wisely, downgraded the charge to a "breach of protocol" given that no one was anywhere near drunk or doing anything unusual or offensive.
Crikey!
If you were buggered and couldn't play and had little prospect of turning out in the forseeable future, the first thing you'd be tounging for would be a large drink, wouldn't it?
You have to wonder if anyone has officially replaced the "assistant coach" and go-to-man The Great Royce Simmons, who's departed for a full-time head coach job in the dark satantic mills of northern England.
Roycie would have simply advised the trio in question to get their grog home delivered.
Pleasing to see that SC Sheens continues to play ducks and drakes when it comes to team selection, naming the untried 18-year-old half back called Jacob Miller who was plucked from obscurity while playing for the Mullumbimby Giants, at half back, when he never intended to play him there, sensibly preferring the experienced Timmy Moltzen, who's more of a full back, to play half back.
Left Miller on the bench and gave him no more than 10 minutes in the centres in the second half, while Moltzen played the full 80 minutes for the first time in a good 12 months, according to the stats guru's.
After giving a regulation display in the first half with the limited resources they had, things were not helped for Balmain when that dirty rotten scoundrel Minichielo scored his 104th career try for The Chooks.
Things looked up when the Bamford saw fit to sin bin the very same player for ten minutes with nine minutes left in the match for a professional foul, aka a deliberate strip in a two-on-one tackle, with the Tigers in a choice attacking position.
The Bamford took that view that Minichielo had been doing it all day, and enough was enough.
Unfortunately the Tigers came very close but couldn't complete the set off the back of the penalty.
They battled on gamley with a few genuine chances in the denoument, but it didn't come close to paying off against a rugged steadfast opposition defence.
As expected, beaten fair and square.
Farah has a stark choice for his inner groin problem.
Surgery and two months off, or battle through the painkilling injections right into the rather delicate places, and play on.
Seems he might have taken the second option, given that he is permanently in dummy half and never gets tackled unless he wants to be, so he doesn't get bashed up like the other forwards.
Reckons he can still do his job on two crook nuts and get away with it.
No one's going to argue with that and good luck to him.
SC Sheens on interview after the game briefly ruminated on lost opportunites, principally the inability to convert some clever set-plays into points, but was at his tacitern best when he remarked..."well, we'll have to be better next week, otherwise Souths will murder us".

SYDNEY ROOSTERS 24. Tries: Kenny-Dowall, Kennedy, Minichiello, Carney. Goals: Anasta (4).
WESTS TIGERS 6. Tries: Woods. Goals: Marshall (1).
At Sydney Football Stadium.
Crowd: 20,479.

Found myself in a car on the way home from a picnic at Towradgi listening to the radio call of the last quarter from the Western Paddock, so didn't see a single frame of the game, not even the highlights reel on the crystal bucket news, so not really in much of a position to offer comment.
But from what could be discerned from the wireless, Mr Ed would not have been entirely happy.
Suppose he would have been relieved that the Swans managed to take the Get Out Of Jail Card Free, when it looked for all the world like yet another tie at the death.
Had to reach for the heart pills immediately on coming through the front door.
Seasoned observers suggest it was the club veterans who provided the glue to keep the sinking ship afloat after the long break.
But the likes of The Goodes Train (31yo), Rhino (30), Bolton, J. (31), Mad Marty Matts (28) are getting rather long in the tooth and can't have more than this year left in them, surely?
Looks for all the world, at this very early stage, like a repeat of last year looming - a reasonable show of making the 8, only to be eaten alive for breakfast in the finals.
Apparently one of the highlights of the match was one of the Bamfords being completely bowled over by Son of Gary, with the official going down like a sack of potatoes.
Talk about larf!
Worth the price of admission alone you would have thought.
Not that there were many there to see it; less than 30K at Homebush is an out-and-out poor attendance.
Perhaps the staff on the turnstiles somehow forgot to count the phantom members who didn't turn up?
My spy at the ground, a long time loyal member, sent me a message on the bush telegraph.
"Coach Horse appears to be trying something a little different. No-one quite knows what this is"
Time will tell, you'd be guessing.

SYDNEY: 1.5, 6.8, 10.11, 14.14 (98). Goals: J.Bolton 3, McGlynn 3, Bevan 2, White 2, Goodes, Kennedy, Rohan, O'Keefe.
ESSENDON: 4.4, 8.7, 12.9, 13.15 (93). Goals: Crameri 2, Hurley 2, Ryder 2, Winderlich 2, Leroy Jetta, Davey, Hocking, Watson, M.McVeigh.
At Olympic Stadium, Homebush.
Crowd: 28,082.

"you'd swear he was covered in spiders"

Arachnologists,

A bizzare game of football if ever there was one.
With the brand new flat screen telly in the corner of the loungeroom that had been ordered in just in time for the new footy season firmly locked on to news from the tally room, found myself scrabbling about in the rafters of Dad's Shed fiddling about and adusting the radio aerial to beam in the long range broadcast of the Tiges game.
Football had been bumped off local radio, both ABC and commercial, in favour of election coverage.
Managed to tune into the only option for a continuous call of the rugby league proceedings on the reliable old shed wireless from ABC 612AM Brisbane.
Reception was fairly scratchy through the white noise snow, so brought a portable radio down to the shed and tuned it into the same frequency.
Voila! Bingo! AM Stereo! Brilliant!
Needless to say, it worked a treat.
Well aware that the call was freely available with crystal clear clarity on the net thingy, but this was much more fun.
Maybe it's time to cut the mustard and do a deal to get a digital radio?
No idea who was calling the game, but he did have a nice turn of phrase.
Marshall was making a bustling run being heavily involved in some first-half set-play and the commentator called it thus:
"Marshall! He's busted through one tackle, now he's done another, threw a dummy, stepped in and slipped away from a third tackle, and now a fourth! How about that! He's still going Marshall! Now, he's finally brought down. Fair Dinkum! You'd swear he was covered in spiders."
Forwards laid some solid groundwork, as you'd expect, to give the Great Benji and the other backs room to put on the jink, the step, the weave to good effect and it always looked like it was going to be tries-a-plenty, especially against a Raiders' defence that was put on the back foot one too many times.
The visitors really had no hope after a forward scored a brilliant run away try off his own bat...Mr Andrew Fifita, who's of course built like a Sherman tank, busted the advantage line wide open and found himself in the clear with no visible means of support, with only the full back to beat; cranked up the tracks on the armoured personel carrier, swatted the full back out the way and ran a full 50 metres to plant the ball underneath the black dot.
Magnificent!
Now that's embarrassing for any opposition.
Speaking of complete embarrassment for Marshall; lining up to kick a gimmee goal, only problem was that his kicking boot got in caught the turf and the ball dribbled a few yards off the kicking tee and rolled end on end and went no further, failed even to become airborne.
Joisus.
No further evidence needed viz a viz the urgent need for a new goal kicker!
With the game in the dilly bag, the Try Scoring Freak was stretchered off with ten minutes to go with what keen observers at the ground described as "a shocker".
Turns out the poor bastard had to be taken to the local hospital and given a general anesthetic before they could get five blokes in white coats to jump on him and put his dislocated hip back into place.
Never heard of such an injury before, but was always bound to be very bad.
With Lawrence gorn, the Tiges appeared to loose all interest in the game, and proceeded to let in not one, not two, but three soft tries in the denoument.
Not a good look when a well regarded student of the game remarked over the bush telegraph that the second half represented a chance to "put the fear into the other teams".
Didn't work like that.
SC Sheens would have been filthy as with the last 10 minutes, reminding his charges in no uncertain terms that the game only goes on for 80 minutes, for gawd's sake, and there's no time for a nap, let alone a sleep at
Campbelltown.
You might be mugged, as they were.
The Great Todd "The Refrigerator" Payten played his 250th game [a rarity in league] and threw his weight around well in the early part; happy enough to take the accolades.
One helluva unit who played in the '05 Grand Final and whose longevity has been truly remarkable.
Softly spoken off field and has an admirable long standing policy of never drawing any attention to himself.
Curiously enough his 250th came playing against the team he is now playing with at the same ground as he did in his debut game, when he turned out for Canberra, then coached by Tim Sheens.
Circular circularity at its finest.
With Lote "Wot'd I do Guv?" Tuqiri out with a broken right forearm, as a result of an innocuous first half tackle, until Round 11 at best, and The Try Scoring Freak gorn until Round 16 at the very very earliest [read season ender, for mine], surely it's not another season -- you can pick any one you like from The Drought of '06-'09 -- that is tragically cruelled by injury?
SC Sheens had the proper take on it as quoted in the Sunday fishwraps
'You learn in this game that you've got to get on with it. It would be a waste for Chris if we lose next week … It's very disappointing for the kid and for the team, to lose our left edge tonight. The players have got to come to grips with getting ready for another week.'
Indeed, the "left edge" wiped out in the blink of an eye.

WESTS TIGERS 34. Tries: Lawrence, Utai, Lui, Heighington, Ayshford, Fifita. Goals: Marshall (5).
CANBERRA RAIDERS 24: Tries: Ferguson (3), Vidot, Dugan. Goals: Croker (2).
At Campbelltown Sports Ground.
Crowd: 14,091.


Another bizzare game by any measure and they only have themselves to blame.
Suppose it's as good a time as any in the season to learn the painful lesson that nine times out of ten games of Australian Rules Football are usually won and lost in the Championship Quarter.
That's why it's called the Championship Quarter, doh.
Three goals nine behinds in Q3 is a dead-set coach killer, with most of the bent-wide chances coming from set shots.
Deary me.
No doubt Coach Horse aka Mr Ed would have raised his voice as he told them that to escape with two points from the draw that they narrowly got away with is only half the punishment.
If he had any sense, he would have just got the forwards together on the training paddock on Monday morning and told them they can only go home once they have kicked 50 goals, each.
At the same time, he'd be saying to the Club Secretary "I'm new to this, boss!".
He'd claim tactics and strategy need careful planning, which takes time, and fair enough you'd suppose, but that sort of inaccuracy in front of the big sticks just doesn't wash.
Although there were some encouraging aspects, it's hard to see at this early stage, the Swans being really competitive with the genuine top sides.
And yet there have been a few sharp long time observers of the game who pre-season rated The Red & The White a chance of making the top four.
Mmmm....
Thought the Yoof of Today who the club have recruited over the past couple of years acquitted themselves well.
The likes of Son of Gary, Big Ted, the Haneberry Kiddie, Jetta the Joint Strike Fighter, Rick Shaw, In Like McGlynn, Jesse James White, Reg Grundy, even Spida Jnr on debut, all sparkled from time to time, but still need to learn how to play four good quarters of football consistently to make a major impact, while the veterans and journeymen did what they've been doing year in year out, just getting things done.
Mr Ed would be well aware that he has but one superstar on the roster - who's star is on the wane - and then it's a long step down off The Goodes Train to a handful of players who are capable of out and out brilliance.
Rhino Keefe probably the best among them on the day.
Seems they're going down the right track, but it looms as a rebuilding year in all probability.
There's no substitute for hard won experience, but Jetta's 80 yard solo run from half back flank almost to the full forward square, with no less than five bounces along the way, only goes to prove there's nothing like exuberance.
It doesn't win matches, but it can go a long way.

MELBOURNE: 3.2 5.8 8.12 11.18 (84). Goals: Green 2, Dunn 2, Jurrah 2, Moloney, Sylvia, Bennell, N Jetta, Jones.
SYDNEY: 5.3 7.5 10.14 11.18 (84). Goals: McGlynn 3, J Bolton 3, Goodes 2, Everitt, White, Reid.
At Melbourne Cricket Ground.
Crowd: 33,951.