Over Beer

Chairman of selectors,

Pleasing to see the Muso gets a guernsey in the squad for MJ Clarke's debut as test captain.
Saw the Trent Copeland kiddie a few times at SCG last summer playing for NSW; nicknamed him the Muso after the more famous Copland, Aaron.
Tall, muscular frame, correct, orthodox right-arm action and can generate genuine pace bowling long spells.
Has a very good off cutter, a wicked straight ball that hurries the batsman up and gets through the gate quite often, but the in-swinger needs work.
Still, dripping with potential.

Test squad to tour Sri Lanka:

Michael Clarke, Captain (30, NSW)
Shane Watson, Vice-captain (30 NSW)
Michael Beer (27, WA)
Trent Copeland (25, NSW)
Brad Haddin (33, NSW)
Ryan Harris (31, Qld)
Phillip Hughes (22, NSW)
Michael Hussey (36, WA)
Mitchell Johnson (29, WA)
Usman Khawaja (24, NSW)
Nathan Lyon (23, SA)
Shaun Marsh (28, WA)
James Pattinson (21, Vic)
Ricky Ponting (36, Tas)
Peter Siddle (26, Vic)

I'm over Beer, and know nothing at all about Nathan Lyon, except that he's been picked as the token South Australian.
Seeing they've left Smiffy out, they might as well pick my mother as the spinner.

an artform in his own right

Fellow disgustees,

Tumbled out of the turnstiles at half time, after being given a "smoke pass" by some Indian gentleman at the gate to go to the SCG's salubrious smoking lounge [aka the footpath on Driver Ave in the rain with no cover], when a woman who would have been well into her sixties stormed out of the ground.
She was absolutely livid.
She tightly gripped her packet of cigarettes and lit one up with a shaky hand and then announced loudly to anyone within earshot who cared to listen.
"Ray FAARKING Chamberlain! He's an artform in his own right. Oh, how I HATE that turd".
At half time!
That was before the most senior Bamford of the field did his best work.
Me mate who gave me the free ticket [thanks, Trev] picked it even before a ball had been bounced.
The first thing he did when he got a copy of The Record was open it up to see who was umpiring.
"Joisus", he said, "we've got Razor Ray Chamberlain. Bloody hell. Watch out".
And so the most disgraceful display of umpiring seen in living memory came to pass.
No less than seven of the Dockers 15 goals were a direct result of free kicks; a few from 50m penalties, the rest given right in front, for what could be at best described as minor infringements or no infringement at all.
Chamberlain was chiefly responsible, and might as well have kicked half of Fremantle's goals himself.
He took a dislike to Teddy Richards early on.
In the first quarter, Richards had copped a 50m penalty for giving Chamberlain a bit of well justified back chat, but he stood his ground, didn't move, as his opposite number went up into the goal square to boot the major.
Richards knew if he ran the 50m back to mark his man, Chamberlain would give him a lecture all the way about language and how one should appropriately address a Bamford.
Teddy decided he wasn't remotely interested in copping that from the buffoon and wouldn't have a bar of it.
He just stood there like a pillar of salt, and Chamberlain was less than impressed, and took it upon himself to punish the bloke every time he touched the ball.
Swans could do nothing right in his eyes, and he was well aided and abetted by his other partners in crime.
It is very very hard to stomach officialdom making an exhibition of themselves.
Good Bamfords should not be noticed, let alone drawing attention to their daft antics, but this troika of fools were intent on running about pointing at themselves as if to say "Look at me! FIGJAM! See how important I am!?"
Could carry on like a pork chop about it, but won't.
Suffice to say shoving a fistful of fingers down the back of throat and bringing up a gutful of execrable SCG beer would have been a dignified and approriate response.
Soon after half time the crowd had had enough and went ballistic.
Every time a Bamford, any Bamford; boundary umpire, goal umpire, field umpire had the ball in his hands, there would be a resounding round of boos from all around the ground.
The people on the bleachers had obviously not got the message from "Be Kind To Umpires Week" earlier in the season.
The ground authorities hurriedly closed all the bars at three-quarter time, obviously fearing an alcohol-fuelled riot.
By then the assembled mob was apoplectic, and still worse was yet to come.
With the Swans closing in in the last quarter it looked like they could win despite all the odds being stacked against them, but the rookie Bamford on the ground [who was umpiring in his 7th game for gawd's sake] gave the Dockers yet another 50m for Sydney back chat and then gave them another free right in front to gift Fremantle the match winning two goal lead.
We threw our hats to the ground, stomped on them, offered the idiot a few choice words, and then joined the exodus of Swans loyalists who had well and truly had enough.
Seen it all now in 25 years following Sydney.
Lord, save me.
Coach Horse on interview after the game said he was giving some thought to ringing up the umpires "coaching director" Jeff Gieschen [whoever the hell he is] and giving him a piece of his mind along the lines of "if you ever give us that goose Chamberlain again this season, I'll kill ya, ya bastard. Understand?"
Mr Ed thought better of it after Gieschen told the fishwraps that words had already been had in Chamberlain's shell-like.
"Our instruction to Ray is 'just umpire the game' and let your decision making do the talking".
Lord, help me.

PS. Can't let the retirement of The Great BBB Hall pass unremarked.
The youngest daughter just the other day found a Sydney Swans Barry Hall badge that you pin to your lapel, in a clean out.
It shows Big Bad grinning like some kind of idiot savant.
When she heard that the premiership winning full forward hadb announced he was giving the game away, she said "jeez, that could be worth some money now on Ebay".
Hall was a brilliant sideshow at the Swans; loved being a serial pest, throwing his weight around and kicking goals, hated, really hated Bamfords with a passion, and didn't mind clocking blokes - although he never hit an honest man - and went about his game with a healthy disregard for the rules.
So, he got into trouble with the umpires, and the tribunal for that matter, from time to time.
Who can blame him?
His only regret after no less than 16 seasons in the caper is that he never did make it to playing 300 games through suspension [lost about a season and a half in total by being rubbed out down at the Tribunal through no fault of his own] and injury [another season and a half], to qualify for AFL life membership - not that they'd have him, anyway.
Baz was thinking he would never be picked for the Hall of Fame, that was until Wayne Carey was admitted.
Now it's only a matter of time.
Vale Barry, go well.

SYDNEY: 3.2, 6.3, 8.5, 13.9 (87). Goals: Roberts-Thomson 3, Hannebery 2, Parker 2, Goodes 2, McVeigh, Jack, Reid, Grundy.
FREMANTLE: 3.2, 7.4, 14.7, 15.8 (98). Goals: Ballantyne 3, Mayne 2, Johnson 2, Fyfe, Palmer, Grover, Pavlich, Clarke, Hill, Lower, de Boer.
At Sydney Cricket Ground.
Crowd: 23,415.


Found myself pottering about in Dad's Shed on Saturday night attending to a couple of a long neglected jobs, gearing up for spring, and so got on the ladder and rigged up the the long range AM radio aeriel on the roof to get the call beaming in live from ABC Brisvegas, as no one else was carrying it live.
Lucky it wasn't a close match as the signal wavered in and out - could have missed the match winning try.
Only goes to prove once again how important the Farah/Marshall show is.
When those two are on fire, Balmain can beat any side in the comp.
The hooker, who plays just about every play at dummy half and the five-eighth brilliantly combine to put on the set plays drilled into them at training - there is no way of the opposition coaching against that - not to mention the individual spontaneity that can turn a game on its head.
They had a hand or two in just about every try.
And Marshall, for the first time this season, had a perfect game with the goal kicking boot [he obviously didn't forget to ask his Mum to polish them this week], potting no less than six conversions and a penalty goal.
Goes without saying that that always has a positive impact on the scoreboard.
Did like SC Sheens' cheek picking Timmy Moltzen, in his first game after signing om with St George, at full back and dropping McKinnon altogether.
It was as if the Super Coach said to the bloke "Right then. You reckon you can play full back? OK. I'm picking you at full-back for the rest of the season and we'll see how you go. If I have to ring up St George at the end of the year to tell them that they paid too much for you, whose fault would that be, then? Yours."
With four inches of rain having fallen in the Emerald City in the past 48 hours [and it's still pissing down], word out of Lilyfield suggests Leichhardt Oval is underwater and the ground staff will struggle to pull a firm surface together for this Saturday night's game against Easts.
Just adds to the fun.

NORTH QUEENSLAND COWBOYS 18. Tries: Paterson (2), Tonga (2). Goals: Bowen (1).
WESTS TIGERS 38. Tries: Ayshford (2), Ellis, Fulton, Marshall, Moltzen. Goals: Marshall (7).
At Townsville Stadium.
Crowd: 12,829.

trooble at mill

Axemen,

There's trooble at mill.
SC Sheens has obviously made a free and frank mid-season assessment that the current squad is not nearly playing up to their potential and are in danger of missing the eight when they are clearly, on paper, top four material.
So, St Tim has decided that some dead wood needs to be cut to make room in the salary cap for some new buys for next year.
A couple of weeks ago Andrew Fifita [looks the goods, quality youngster who could go places] and Bryce Gibbs [one of the Sensational Six still going around for the Tigers after appearing in the '05 Miracle Grand Final, mind you] were told that they were suddenly unloved and unwanted, and that they would have to go look for employ elsewhere next season.
They were both indignant, saying they didn't want to leave Leichhardt, but had no choice as they were being unceremoniously shuffled out the back door without so much as a sausage.
They were both quickly snapped up by Cronulla-Sutherland, which only made them more filthy.
They don't want to go to The Shire, they don't want to play for The Shire, but they find themselves in the invidious position of having to if they still want to make a fair living out of the game.
While you can see the reason in it, it did raise the member's collective eyebrow.
And having unhappy campers around who are playing out their current contracts can never be good for morale at a football club.
Then last Friday, St George-Illawarra announced that they had signed Timmy Moltzen [Benji Marshall's flat-mate, no less] for next year, after the Tigers had agreed to let him out of the last year of his contract with Balmain.
The Tigers club secretary hit the roof, describing the announcement as "disgraceful", premature, and "very poor form", while confirming that yes, it was true.
Fair enough.
Moltzen wants to play full back, and the Saints will have a vacancy in that department, and he knows under SC Sheens he will never be more that a utility back benchwarmer.
Wade McKinnon had already made his mind up earlier in the season that he would take the well worn path and finish his playing days in the dark satanic mills of northern England, while Todd "The Refrigerator" Payten [another one of the Sensational Six] had always made it clear that this season would be his last before he took up the pipe and slippers in the Jason recliner.
Then the Sunday scandal sheets reported that Chris Heighington [joisus, another of the Sensational Six] and "Be My" Beau Ryan would almost certainly move on to Penrith, who are prepared to give them a job next year, and that Liam Fulton [yet another of the Sensational Six, for gawd's sake] was also being shopped.
Eight players -- that's a fair amount of lopping going on!
SC Sheens has obviously made his mind up about a few things and a few players, and who can blame him, as that's what any good coach is paid handsomely to do.
He reckons the current Balmain reserve grade side, chock full as it is of Brown Brothers, will form the nucleus of the future pack, while there are a few junior backs who could at least make the first grade bench next year.
All you need to do then is buy a few big names to add to the marquee players that they are retaining and a couple of proven positional workhorses and Bob's your uncle
But, (and it's a very big but given the gamble that's being taken) the jury will be out for a while as to whether it's a brilliant long term strategy, albeit most likely at the expense of a current season that crashes and burns, or not.
Instability?
What instability?
The effort against the Eels failed to belie what is going on off the field.
Probably the worst game of the season, nay, a complete shocker.
Few of the players, if any, appeared to have their heart in it.
After we had both endured watching the game on the crystal bucket with the two-bar heater going flat out in front of the double-bummed lounge, remarked to the GLW at the finish that the Balmain performance had been "weak".
She demurred, saying "yes, not very satisfactory, is it?" before she thought for a moment then stood up, brought herself to her full height, stamped her foot on the floor tiles and exclaimed "NO! In fact, it was bullshit!".
Thinking it was best to leave it at that.
On interview after the game SC Sheens was asked if the current off-field ructions were contributing to the recent poor on-field outings.
He just said "I knew you would ask that question first up. The answer is you can say what you like".

PARRAMATTA EELS 22: Tries Atkins, Maitua, Morgan. Goals: Burt (5).
WESTS TIGERS 6: Tries: Lui. Goals: Marshall (1).
At Parramatta Stadium.
Crowd: 19,654.

It was so riveting the GLW decided to attempt the crossword soon after half time, and then fell asleep.
Any miniscule hope the Gold Coast Pluto's had of winning it, let alone making a game of it, evaporated when Son of God limped off with a bit of a knee in the second quarter.
Some of those poor kids they've got playing for them are reasonably easy to run rings around.
Karmichael Hunt might be a reasonable half back one day, but considering his stellar career in the rugby league, it's a pale shadow in comparison.
An expensive experiment that might work, but probably not.
He'll take the money and go back to league you would've thought.
Small wonder that Bolton, J. picked up a knee in the warm up and was replaced by an emergency.
Was never going to play.
Why risk your best player of the moment in a nothing match?
Rhino Keefe and Odd Head McVeigh would've picked up some cheap Brownlow votes to add to their already considerable tallies.
But, little or no comfort can be drawn from handing out an eleven goal football lesson to a bunch of midgets, especially as the Swans managed to score but one goal in the Championship quarter against that quality of opposition.
Dear oh dear.
Something to mark down in the "we'll take our wins" side of the Coach's Ledger, if ever there was one.

GOLD COAST: 1.6, 3.6, 3.9, 4.12 (36). Goals: Swallow 2, Iles, Lynch.
SYDNEY: 5.4, 9.7, 10.12, 15.16 (106). Goals: McVeigh 3, Reid 3, Goodes 2, Parker 2, McGlynn, Jack, RobertsThomson, Spangher, Malceski.
At New Carrara Stadium.
Crowd:16,488

wouldn't know a set of goalposts if they fell on them

Fellow Frustratees,

What can you say, really?
They only had themselves to blame is stating the bleeding obvious.
If any further confirmation was needed that the Swans wouldn't know a set of goalposts if they fell on them, then this was surely it.
Never mind that they turned up at Dinosaur Stadium in the pouring rain throughout; they somehow contrived to play wet weather football from the completely wrong end of the stick.
Just could not see the point in hacking the ball out of the ruck, dropping it on the boot in hope -- saying a Hail Mary, and seeing where she goes.
Joisus.
At least the Jetta Kiddie had the right idea, when its slippery underfoot the only way to go is to run the ball and offload some well-aimed well-timed handballs; kicking only to finish and score points.
The game plan, what there was of it, went out the window under the conditions and crashed and burned.
Swans had any number of chances to bury the game - even with a saturated pigskin - and should have put the Crows away soon after half time and yet for the third time this season, yes, you read right, for the third time this season, Sydney failed to boot a major in the Championship Quarter.
Bloody Nora.
Swans were murdered cold, for mine.
And what a miserable scene it was on the crystal bucket with the smallest crowd at Footy Park for a Crows game - ever - all huddled under plastic raincoats and big macks, or wearing umbrellas on their heads.
Bolton, J. is having the season of his life, while Oddhead McVeigh is playing outstanding week in week out, but they spent the entire afternoon banging their heads against a brick wall.
No doubting that Johncock of Adelaide put the three Brownlow points in the dilly bag.
Played out of his skin at half back for the home side and killed the Swans attack, as much as there was any, almost single handedly.
Brilliant game.
The GLW admitted after the match that she had a bad feeling in her water prior to the game, commenting "I just knew it would be bad, and wrong".
And so it came to pass.
Not much damage on the ladder, strangely enough, even though it's their third loss on the trot, and that after they threatened to come into a purple patch.
And guess who Coach Horse's rabble come up against this weekend?
The Gold Coast Pluto's - who are well overdue and keen for a scalp - away.
Crikey.
Anything could happen.

ADELAIDE: 2.1, 3.4, 5.5, 8.9 (57). Tippett 3, Callinan, Petrenko, Douglas, van Berlo, Sloane.
SYDNEY: 3.1, 4.5, 4.10, 6.14 (50). Jetta, Goodes, Bird, O'Keefe, Bevan, McGlynn.
At Football Park, Adelaide.
Crowd: 23,063.

All reports suggest that Balmain's own Keefy Bludnut Galloway trained the house down in the Blues camp over the weekend, and so was retained in the 19 man squad and appears certain to play off the bench for NSW in Origin III.
Good option for Sticky to have when he needs a genuine front row forward for some punch and thrust in the last twenty minutes of the decider, not mention the starch up front.
As SC Sheens, who recommended the bloke to the Blues selectors, quite rightly noted "he won't let anyone down".
SC Sheens reportedly cancelled training over the bye weekend and told the Balmain players to piss off, take a break, go away or go home, take the mind off football, just not be around, and then deliberately let the hair down, while not coming to the attention of the authorities.
Didn't want anything to do with them.
Brilliant.

WESTS TIGERS: Bye.

the fish that got away

Aghastees,

Dropped into the Front Bar at The Local mid-week and ran across a bloke who vehmently blamed it all on the uniforms they were wearing.
The Western Suburbs Magpies black and white strip with a splash of pink in the form of a few token [yes! pink! he said] tiger's stripes in honour of the "women in league" round.
He pointed out that women have always taken an interest in the rugby league from day one -- it is, after all, a man's game - and there's never been anything to stop them from doing so, but then posed the question -- does it need glorification?
Everyone turned to The Philosopher for an answer, but he couldn't enlighten us as he didn't have a view on it either way; just shrugged his shoulders, and declined to comment, as if to say that was all that could be said about that, and returned to pondering his gin & tonic.
Always had a bad feeling in my water about this one along the lines of "no Benji, no cigar" on account of the No.1 marquee player couldn't take the field after picking up a knee last weekend at Leichhardt.
And so it came to pass.
In plain terms, the defence was very good, as usual, but the go forward was all at sea.
Lui at half-back appeared to be on another planet without his partner in crime - did worse than nothing - and the Best Leb in The Game didn't really know who to pass it to, as there were no obvious playmakers in a hopelessly disorganised attack.
The backs looked like they were playing on some kind of unusual drugs that turned them into headless chooks.
The new kid on the block filling in for Marshall, young Jacob Miller, acquitted himself well under the unfortunate circumstances, and while he might look the goods, he's still very green and not quite up to first grade standard just yet.
At least he had his maiden points in senior ranks courtesy of a consolation goal.
Just goes to show that the depth of the Balmain roster is getting rather thin.
Looked for all the world that the Tigers might be doughnutted, with their half of the scorebox reading 0 until the last four minutes of the match when Timmy Moltzen pounced on a Farah grubber that was sneakily toe poked out of the ruck, much to the surprise of everyone.
But in the final paralysis, it was the second loss at home in as many weeks which is not a good look for a team that wanted 'to go places' at the start of the season.
Somehow, still in the top eight - just.
SC Sheens has pencilled that one in on the "we'll learn from our losses" side of the Coach's Ledger.
He'd be thanking the Good Lord Joisus for the bye this week.
You get two points that way for not doing anything at all.
Sweet.
PS. On breaking the news that that bludnut Keith "Keefy" Galloway of Balmain had been picked in a 20-man squad for NSW for State of Origin III to the Good Lady Wife, she stamped her foot and punched the air and exclaimed "Joisus! Bloody Mary & Joseph! 'BOUT FAAAARKING TIME!!".
Now, that's women in league.

WESTS TIGERS 6. Tries: Moltzen. Goals: Miller (1).
CANTERBURY-BANKSTOWN BULLDOGS 16. Tries: Pritchard, Barba, Morris. Goals: Turner (2).
At Campbelltown Sports Ground.
Crowd: 19,252.

A simple case of the big fish that got away.
If the scoreboard didn't lie, no one would believe you for a minute.
Or it could be that the Swans broke the golden rule regarding never looking a fish in the eye as you reel it in and are about to land it.
To lead by a point, twice, in the final quarter only to see the quarry jump off the hook at the very last moment.
Spooked by the weird gaze, perhaps?
Doesn't it give you the complete and utter shits when your team kicks more goals than the other mob, and still gets beat?
Aaargh.
Gallant in defeat might be all well and good, but the game was there for the taking, booting six goals to four in the championship quarter, along with the irony of the Pies kicking 21 behinds!
You'd dearly hope there was a Road to Damascas moment in it all for Mr Ed in his first year in the head coaching caper.
Horse worked out early on that the only way to beat Collingwood was to man up and tag them to the point of very distracting annoyance, and when the opportunity arose, create the odd loose man in front of goal and just drive the ball straight down the middle.
Realised kicking to the wings or flanks was certain death against Collingwood.
While the Swans might have missed a hundred tackles, they were like terriers at the heels and trouser cuffs of the opposition, and that'll eventually test anyone's patience.
Oddhead McVeigh's miracle goal from 70m out that bounced along the ground for the last 20m on the wobble, and then veered a little right to roll through the middle of the big sticks without a hand being laid on it had gold plated luck written all over it.
In the denoument it came down to the roll of the dice.
Seabs had a great game in the ruck, for mine, monstering anyone they put on him; ironically that filthy turncoat Jolly couldn't turn out for the Maggies for what would've been a tip top match up.
Usually find there's not much need to comment on the opposition, or how they go, given they can do it just as well themselves, but the conundrum for any team playing the Woods is their top players of the ilk of Swan, Cloke, Pendlebury, Thomas, Maxwell, you name 'em, just make it all look so easy, as if there is no obvious effort required to pull off brilliant play time and time again.
That's difficult to coach against.
Veterans like Rhino and Old Jude are playing out of their ancient skins at present, while youngsters of the likes of the Haneberry Kiddie, along with Young Smiffy, are more than holding their own against better experienced company.
The mix is getting right but the only problem is that it's yet another loss at home, and Sydney are only travelling alright on their away record.
Go figure?
The big issue now is Adelaide and Gold Coast to come - dead set easy beats all year - if they lose to either of them, who will no doubt be looking for a cheap random scalp, fandom will start to get nervous.

SYDNEY: 4.3, 5.5, 11.6, 14.9 (93). Goals: McVeigh 4, Goodes 3, Bolton 2, O'Keefe 2, White, Jack, Mattner,
COLLINGWOOD: 5.5, 7.10, 11.15, 13.21 (99). Goals: Cloke 6, Blair 2, Swan, Sidebottom, Dawes, Pendlebury, Wellingham.
At Olympic Stadium, Homebush.
Crowd: 38,053.

"go back to Mexico, ya mongrels"

Disappointees,

Did like the bloke standing next to me overlooking the 20 metre line at the Swimming Pool End, he might have been 11 years old, 12 if he was pushing it, decked out in the complete Storm kit, clenching his fists and barracking strongly whenever the Melbourne fowards took it up.
He was a mere slip of a lad, and he appeared to have a father with him who by what he was saying had seen a few rugby league matches in his time, but didn't have his heart in this one, and kept apologising for the fact that his boy had somehow inexplicably become a Melbourne supporter.
The kid was beaming at the end of the game, naturally.
A woman stood behind me holding a copy of the Sunday Telegraph up to her face to read, so she had no chance of catching even a glimpse of the game.
Thinking she might have been making a pointed statetment to the bloke she was with; something along the lines of "not interested".
Just like days of yore, when Balmain played every home game at Leichhardt, we wanded in from the Orange Grove for the second time in a fortnight, and found the Spiritual Home all but packed.
By the time we had found our standing room, they'd hung the 'full house' shingle outside the ground, with hundreds being turned away for just being too late.
So, the ground was dripping with atmosphere.
The Balmain forwards matched Melbourne man-for-man in defence, but didn't have their usual cut and thrust in attack, while the backs seemed disorganised as the halves struggled to find any rythmn, with the Great Benji and The Best Leb In The Game both having quiet games.
Marshall really only had one good moment when he threw a Hail Mary miracle pass, cutting out four players across the back and finding his right winger unmarked, allowing Be My Beau Ryan to score what turned out to be the home side's only try of the match.
When Benji limped off with what appeared to be a bit of a knee with about ten minutes left, all hope was lost.
No one remotely looked like scoring in the second half in a dead set checkmate stalemate as Melbourne strangled the living daylights out of the game with the full sanction of the referees.
Go figure.
The Storm came to play, no doubt about that, but also implemented some below the belt tactics and downright dirty play - an audacious thing to do at Leichhardt, where the crowd can get volatile - in a bid to slow down the play-the-ball to a crawl, which they did very effectively.
Some shady character by the name of Sika Manu dropped his knees in a tackle on That Pom Ellis early in piece, provoking outrage on the hill, and yet, even though it was right there in full view as plain as the light of day, the Bamfords missed it and he got away with it scott free, when he should have been sent off.
Back in the day, dropping the knees was up there with tripping, the spear tackle, the swinging arm head high tackle, biting and eye gouging as the send off offences.
Not anymore in the modern game it seems.
Late in the match, the same bloke collared the Balmain fullback in a clothesline tackle around the neck, then tips him up and violently back slams him into the turf, before sitting his broad buttocks on the bloke's chest and head!
Three infringements in one.
At least the Bamford gave him and his captain a right lecture and put him in the report book, but what then happened down at the tribunal?
No action was taken over the last tackle, and yet he was done for the kneeing, but let off with a reprimand on account he didn't have enough penalty points for even a one week suspension.
Let's be blunt here; weak as piss.
Joisus wept.
Did like Farah dropping his bundle on interview after the game when questioned about the Melbourne style of play.
''They f---ing do it all the time, they do it all the time, and they just get away with it,''
While you don't get to the top of the table being nice guys, there's no room for filth in the game for mine.
Someone should remind the Storm players that rugby league is a thug's game played by gentlemen, while rugby union is a gentleman's game played by thugs.
They should switch codes.
But, a sense of honour seems to have gone out of the thingy since it became a multi-million dollar business.
SC Sheens declined to comment on the Bamford's performance or the opposition.
Rather would have said nothing, but did mention something about the Tigers being consistently inconsistent.
While the Tigers hung onto 6th place on the ladder by the skin of their teeth, there's a log jam behind them, and the top five have opened up a huge six point gap on the rest, and will be very hard to dislodge from here.
The Club Secretary doesn't need to get the abacus out to calculate that Balmain now find the best they can hope for is to fight it out with six teams for the last three places in the top eight.
Wandered out of the ground kicking empty beer cans along the ground, and found the need to strain the potatoes in the heritage-listed Gents on the side of the hill.
Found ZZ Top in there [he's more often seen at Cambelltown].
Full-beard down to his waist, major league mullet, dressed in the full Western Suburbs Magpies gear from the 80's teamed with carved cowboy boots, smoking at the urinal with his beer perched precariously on the porcelain.
Perhaps he was the bloke with the booming voice who after the match gave the Storm players a choice send off as they made an undignified exit up the tunnel...
"Go back to Mexico, ya mongrels".

WESTS TIGERS 4. Tries: Ryan.
MELBOURNE STORM 12. Tries: Proctor, Hinchcliffe. Goals: Smith (1), Duffie (1).
At Leichhardt Oval.
Crowd: 20,486.

Swans, what Swans?
Never saw a frame of this game as it was played simultaneously with the time we spent at the Spiritual Home on a Sunday afternoon.
On returning home found the bush telegaph in the corner of the loungeroom had chattered into life and transmitted the scorebox from Docklands.
Tore off the tape and read the score, and so wasn't even remotely interested in viewing even the highlights reel on the crystal bucket news of the Swans being eaten alive like kippers for breakfast.
The fishwraps variously described the Sydney effort as "terrible" or "dreadful".
The bald facts show they were the best part of ten goals in arrears at three quarter time, after for the second week running, failing to kick a single goal in the Championship Quarter, and in this instance having six unanswered goals kicked on them.
That'd be something that'd have Coach Horse stratching his head.
Never going to challenge the top four with that kind of nonsense.
In fact, the StatsGuru gave me a ring on Monday morning and said all of Sydney's four losses this year have come against the teams that are currently in the top four, including being beaten by Carlton twice already, and they've got Collingwood coming off the bye this week.
He concluded his remarks by saying "fancy that?".
Yet another thing for Mr Ed to ponder as he thinks about sending the entire team down to the Room Full Of Mirrors on the Balmain Rd for a session of having a good look at themselves.
Can, and must, do better, even if they appear on the face of it to be still be travelling alright, only a win or two to make the top five.
The Pies would be a highly unlikely starting point, but everyone knows as you go into the back end of a season the game becomes a different bottle of mussels altogether, when form becomes important and class becomes paramount.
Grundy, Bird, Johnson, Kennedy, O'Keefe were listed as "Best:" in the scorebox.
Got no idea, of course.
You be the judge.

CARLTON: 4.2, 7.4, 13.8, 15.10 (100). Goals: Kreuzer 2, Murphy 2, Garlett 2, Walker 2, Ellard 2, Robinson, Henderson, Judd, Yarran, Gibbs.
SYDNEY: 3.1, 4.3, 4.4, 10.6 (66). Goals: Goodes 2, Jack 2, Bird, Malceski, Shaw, Bolton, Jetta, McGlynn.
At Docklands Stadium.
Crowd: 42,788.

ancient calderas and kippers for breakfast

Weathermen,

If you thought last week was beyond belief, think again.
It does happen, but it's not often both your football teams win under extraordinary circumstances in the same weekend, let alone for two weeks running.

The day dawned miserable.
Bitterly cold with an antarctic gale ripping through the Emerald City with heavy showers sweeping about to boot.
Nothing could coax me out of a warm lounge room equipped with a crystal bucket, a bush telegraph and an en suite wine rack.
Never mind even thinking about going to the ground.
Had a cursory look at the weather vane out the kitchen window and thought "there's a four to five goal breeze there".
But at half time realised that that was back in the day, and in the modern game is probably now called a "14 behinds wind".
Let's just look at the Bare Facts:
Swans managed to kick 14 behinds to half time, then contrived to boot 21 behinds in the game, no goals whatsoever in the Championship quarter, and still went on to win by ten points.
Lord Crikey!
Go figure.
If ever there was an undeserving win against an opposition side who struggled under the damp conditions all day - that was surely it.
Seasoned observers who actually made it to the ground described it as being 'spongey' underfoot, but the main problem was that the breeze died away a bit and then picked up to gale force again by quarter time and blew like joisus throughout to the final siren.
Under the cirumstances, they said a beanie helped, but not as much as a little OP rum in the hip flask that always proves to be a welcome panacea to ward off the shivering.
They blamed the appalling inaccuracy on the Swans complete inabilty to cope with the wicked wind.
And then forgave them, given its not something that you can generally train for.
The Haneberry Kiddie might have got in under the radar to be best on ground, and is developing into a first class footballer, by all accounts
Ever since he first stepped out onto the big boy's park last year, he's looked the goods.
All the skills, with the right attitude.
Although, you get the feeling that he'll have to go to a high profile Melbourne club on big money in couple of years when his contract runs out if he wants to become a superstar.
The Great Seabs would have picked up the three Brownlow points [Bamfords are easily impressed by big men doing good] despite not being able to make the first grade team until Mummy did himself a mischief.
As it happens, he's not played much football of any consequence for fully the last three years, and yet is a premiership winning ruckman.
A bit crocky and playing second fiddle at the Swans, he's highly likely to end his playing days on a meagre disappointing pension at the Greater Western Pygmies
Mr Ed the Talking Horse, with three wins on the trot under the belt would be thinking the Swans really need to put together a purple patch right now, by beating a couple of very good teams away and home, to propel themselves into the top four, or risk dropping out of the eight altogether.
He'd also be thinking that on the strength of that showing and the kind of yips displayed in front of goal, Sydney will be eaten alive like kippers on well-buttered brown toast with a twist of lemon for breakfast by the likes of Carlton and Collingwood in the next fortnight.
The Queen's Birthday Holiday Monday smoko down at the Magic Waters would have been a wake up call; brisk in the pool with a whistling biting southerly coming in clean over the top of Mt Kosciuszko, not easy to light the pipe, with a fair bit of pondering to do.
Tends to concentrate the mind.
Crunch time.


SYDNEY: 3.8, 5.14, 5.19, 9.21 (75). Goals: Reid 2, Jetta 2, Dennis-Lane, Malceski, Roberts-Thomson, O'Keefe, Kennedy.
RICHMOND: 2.3, 4.7, 6.7, 9.11 (65). Goals: Riewoldt 2, Vickery 2, Martin 2, Nahas, Deledio, Browne.
At Sydney Cricket Ground.
Crowd: 23,782.


It was a touch ironic that the Mighty Tiges found themselves playing in an old volcano in Auckland, when they very nearly didn't get there due to the volcanic ash thingy drifting in from Chile.
Auckland is dotted with ancient dormant calderas, and they sunk Mt Smart Stadium into one of them on account of it's a near perfect natural amphitheatre; Kiwis - nothing if not practical.
Let's just look at the Bare Facts:
Balmain came back from being 4-22 down early in the second half, to win the match 26-22.
Lord Crikey!
Go figure.
The return from injury of That Pom Ellis over the last couple of weeks tells you how much extra starch he adds to the Balmain pack.
Tough and uncompromising are two words that come to mind.
Worth his weight in gold, which come to think of it, is probably more or less exactly what he would be paid over the course of his recently re-negotiated three-year contract.
Brilliant!
It did look like the Tiges might outlast the Worriers in match fitness at the denoument; history show those big bastard Brown Brothers in the pack might be able to bust you wide open in the early stages but are easily pooped once you put the work into them.
It was the forwards who manned up after Balmain appeared utterly gorn for all money early in the second half and won the field position that enabled the backs to just over-run the Worriers with three unexpected tries in the last ten minutes to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat.
The Marshall/Lui/Farah show had touches of brilliance - enough for two tries to the main man - but that bludnut Keith 'Keefy' Galloway was close to best on field for mine, with some damaging runs through the mid field to make critical attacking yards and create the all important room for the halves and three quarters to dance their way to the try line.
Never did bother to look up what SC Sheens had to say about it in the Monday morning fishwraps on account of it would have been very little.
He probably would have left it at "pretty good effort at the end".
Did like the very finish of the match with only a few seconds on the clock.
The Great Benji found himself in possession on the last tackle, and instead of booting it deep with a downtowner over the heads of the Worriers players, he instead gave it to himself with a little tap kick, then promptly turned around on his heels and ran backwards for 40 metres, carrying the ball over the Worriers dead ball line like some kind of demented chook just as the final siren sounded, then threw the ball high in the air in triumph.
Certainly, an unsual way to end a match, but the Kiwis saw it as akin to underarm bowling and rushed in from everywhere and tried to put on an all-in stink; threw a few punches only to be met with don't argues, before the Bamfords stepped in and reminded them that there was nothing wrong with it and they had in fact lost the match.
Game over.

NEW ZEALAND WARRIORS 22. Tries: Vatuvei (2), Inu, Locke, Johnson. Goals: Maloney (1).
WESTS TIGERS 26. Tries: Marshall (2), McKinnon, Ryan, Ayshford. Goals: Marshall (3).
At Mt Smart Stadium.
Crowd: 15,889.