My dear puzzled & perplexed,
How could a man be so horribly wrong?
Only last week, this wire was carrying unfounded and foolhardy opinion that India was going to have Straya on toast "like kippers for breakfast" and absurd predictions that the tourists were about to go down zip-4 in the cricketing hell-hole that is the subcontinent.
The author of that rubbish could have been a bloke who liked like me, and he was wrong, dead wrong.
And now, there they are, the touring party, with a priceless 1-0 lead in a four match series, away.
You bloody bewdy.
As well as being a fully qualfied Master of the Mock, my other byline is also "Ye, of Little Faith".
But of course, it was All-India's fault
Their hastily cobbled together sinister plot to turn out a mystery featherbed pitch at Poona backfired on them something spectacular.
Sure, it didn't help to lose the toss, but the homies weren't counting on SPD Smith or SNJ O'Keefe.
Or the heroics of Reno, who shat in his creams something awful in the first innings after tangling with an orf curry in the bain-marie, and then fully chundered on the pitch in the second dig, but showed good ol' British pluck by steadfastly refusing to "retire ill" for a second time as well as knocking up 99 runs in the process.
Another match winner, right there.
So there's three.
Never mind the winning margin of tree-undred-and tirty-tree.
The Munchers also appeared to completely ignore the age-old adage that "catches win matches" with a fielding effort that the under 16's wouldn't have been happy with, never mind their top order bats looking like rabbits trapped in the spotlights.
The nets out the back of the the Maharashtra Cricket Association Stadium, if there are any [seems like the practice wickets are on the ground!], must be made of concrete covered in hessian matting.
Of course the whole world is going to turn at right angles from ball one there.
So, who's foolin' who?
The Stats Guru is going completely nuts with his abacus trying to create new and broken records by the dozen.
He's come up with the fact that Keefey is the only Strayan bowler to have taken 12 wickets in a match in India since Alan Davidson, who's now struggling at age 87, back in '59 at Kanpur.
Who would have thought that Keefey, a 32-year-old quintessential journeyman who had played only four obscure test matches and was hitherto credited with an ability to pin down an end with left arm orthdox on a dead slow track, would become a hero of folklore?
The game will go down in Wisden's as "O'Keefe's Test".
6/35 & 6/35.
The Guru reckons he was taking an Indian scalp, on average, every 14 balls - that's the stuff of T20.
Crazy-good legend.
13 LBW decisions and a thousand appeals made it a fairly busy match for the Umpires, also.
Smiffy's second innings ton was pure rolled gold, p'raps his best ever, even though the outcome was already decided.
What more can you say?
Just have a look at the Captain's wagon-wheel.
In two innings, the Strayan Skippy faced just short of 300 balls that were shootin' all over the shop like exploding fireballs in a match that was over in two days and two sessions more or less, smacking runs and occupying the crease for very valuable minutes in intense heat.
The match referee would have likely called the pitch unplayable after four days, and called the whole thing off.
Smiffy could have been the 8th Nawab of Pataudi re-incarnate, for all they knew.
Then it all became a mysterious blur and you forget things like Keefey being caught out twice; while batting right handed, just like Pup.
My Spy at the Ground hammered it after the stupendous victory at the post match celebrations, overcome he was with joyous delerious delight, before last seen falling over with a Royal Antler stuck to his lips, shouting the slur or slurring the shout "the Marsh Experiment must end!"
Of course it must - however - selectors, being the weak indecisive individuals that they are, will be loathe to change a winning side.
But, really, how long do they have to be on notice?
There's absolutely no need for a batting all-rounder - should be sent home - and why take a Token Muzzie to India if he can't get a game?
The Uzzie would be mighty cranky at being dropped after the home season he's just had - and with very good reason.
Pick him and he'll make sure to silence his critics who say he can't play the slow men.
On the other hand, the Board of Control for Cricket in India will also be absolutely furious, and offically sanctioned lynch mobs will be out looking for scapegoats as we speak.
All bets are off.
No prisoners taken.
Everyone knows by now that the last time Australia won in India, MJ Clarke made his maiden test ton in Bangalore.
151 on debut, and man-of-the-match, if memory serves.
Pup announced himself on the world stage.
Woah...hold up a bit there...that's been a while.
12 years and 4 months ago to be precise.
And a little birdie is singing that Pup has returned to the vastness of the subcontinent still covered in his former glory after all that time.
He finished up being the fourth highest run scorer for Straya, ever, he did, and he's respected for that.
As an Honorary Life Member of the MCC, Clarkey can go anywhere there, Guvna.
My Spy spotted him in the Members Bar at Poona after the game with The Great Warnie.
They're working part-time for some cable-TV station, apparently.
It can't be true.
Clarkey in India for a whole month? with Warnie? leaving his wife and baby back in Sydney?
Gin'n'tonics all round?
Surely not.
Bollywood starlets duck for cover, as they take the Gravy Train across the length and breadth of the Raj, from one Maharajah's palace to another?
Toot! Toot! Woot! Woot!
Next stop: Bangalore.
Go Straya!
