another Battle of Wounded Knee

Puzzle solvers,

Football is a funny thing.
How is it exactly that your team can get shellacked to the tune of 50-10 one week, then come out and score a very solid win over an in-form side, while the mob that shellacked you the week previous, in turn, gets a good shellacking, and the whole shemozzle turns full circle so the Tigers find themselves playing the NZ Worriers at Leichhardt Oval this Friday night?
As the rain bucketed down and the thunderbolts & lightning enveloped the Newcastle ISC, the Balmain forwards stood up in the storm.
Heighington and "That Pom" Ellis were the best for mine, so no surpise to see TPE pick up the MOTM award.
Which got me to thinking about the value of the Pom, in general.
Many Poms have tried but most have failed in the attempt at transition to the top grade rugby league in Straya.
Morely of Eastern Suburbs is probably the most recent one to make a good fist of it, but he was filthy as.
Ellis continues a fine tradition of the northern English hardman, a front row enforcer, who doesn't ask for any quarter, and doesn't give any.
Men of his ilk have long held the view, quite rightly for mine, that rugby league is a thug's game played by gentlemen, as opposed to rugby union, which is a gentleman's game played by thugs.
Their is a certain amount of honour to be had in stoving another bloke's nose in, in a fair and honest way.
Chin music in its purest form.
Then of course you can go back to The Great Ellery "The Black Pearl" Hanley.
A genuine crowd pleaser and a promoter's dream, unfairly criticized during his time for his manner of play; in particular his general disdain and disregard for defence, but in the benefit of hindsight was probably one of the best three-quarter wingers to appear in the caper in living memory.
The fans loved The Pearl.
Old Balmain hands who had the good fortune to see him play at Leichhardt for a couple of seasons in the glory years of the late 80's will not hear a bad word spoken about him, which is something to say, given that he was a Pom, after all.
But back to the match...just when everyone was looking for the field goal from the Best Leb in the Game, Farar ran right through the tackle, pushed one out, one back, and Benji potted the pig's bladder over the black dot.
Not very pretty, but very effective.
It was clever wet weather football in the final paralysis, which is something SC Sheens looked to have adpated to very well by the seat of his pants with not much notice.
The Knights decided to play a backline that was made up entirely of South Sea Islanders, which might be an indication of the way of the future of the game, going forward - but as anyone will tell you they are more comfortable in hot and steamy conditions.
So, the Mighty Tiges avoid losing five games on the trot - whatever the reverse mirror image of the traditional purple patch is called.
Still well short of premiership material at this stage, which might be why the Tigers don't have any players in representative football at the moment.
Farar for some unknown reason, is still hopelessly out of favour with the NSW selectors, but don't be surprised if Lote "What'd I do, Guv?" Tuquiri or even That Try Scoring Freak Lawrence gets a call up if the Blues manage to conjour up a loss to QLD in the opening match of the State of Origin series, which as flooding rains continue fall in Sydney as this is being written, will no doubt be a bloodbath in a mudbath.

NEWCASTLE KNIGHTS 6. Tries: Rogers. Goals: Naiqama (1).
WESTS TIGERS 23. Tries: Ellis, Lawrence, Marshall, Daniela. Goals: Marshall (3). Field Goals: Marshall (1).
At International Sports Centre, Newcastle.
Crowd: 14,458.

The Swans' season is now alarmingly taking on all the hallmarks of another Battle of Wounded Knee.
As soon as Kennelly hobbled off the ground, with a knee, barely two minutes into the match, things were not auguring well.
As soon as they strapped the ice pack onto the knee, everyone knew it was pretty much curtains for the Great Tadhg for the rest of the game.
After trying hard throughout but struggling on a proppy knee, Bradshaw shuffled off late in the Championship Quarter, with a knee, and it was clear that the Fat Lady was giving the vocal chords a good warm up.
Both players would be headed for the sidelines for a couple of weeks at least you would have thought and their names will appear on the sick bay list alongside the annotation of their ailment, in their case (knee).
You'll recall Mark "Sebaceous" Seaby looks for all the world that he's out for the year with a season-ending ankle, although there is also plenty of knee involved; that one would have come back in the triage report as "whole leg rooted".
And the young first gamer, Campbell "Heefy" Heath, [the 61st draft pick in 2008], was prevented from making his senior team debut for no less than a full season, by a knee.
Great names like Kristin Thornton and Brett Meredith are also currently unable to walk without the aid of crutches due to, a knee.
And there are couple of old decrepit blokes who play on, week in week out, despite the constant niggle from, a knee.
That's more than half the side ruled out with, troubled by, or potentially troubled by, a knee.
Before the game there was a general consensus of opinion on this side of the island that as soon as Fremantle were relieved by Customs of all their cocaine on landing at Kingsford-Smith, and didn't have their run-fast-all-day gear on hand in the sheds, the Swans were dead-set specials.
Not to be.
Sadly mistaken.
Too bad.
The only encouraging thing was to see a few kiddies stand up and be counted in a losing side; Son of Gary Jack and Pretty Boy Hannebery aquitted themselves well, as they are doing on a consistent regular basis now, while Wranger Rohan had his best game ever.
Among the old crocks, SC Roos tried the Goodes Train in every position on the ground and he did nothing all day, and then finally decided to put him in the ruck after the Fat Lady had already got through the main aria, as if it was some kind of punishment, and he still did nothing.
Got the Championship Quarter all wrong-headed for mine -- what's the point of trying to stop the other side scoring goals when you are four goals down and couldn't kick a straight one to save yourself with the weather closing in?
When the Bamford gave the Dockers a free kick against a Swans runner - someone who wasn't even playing the game - it was time to make a piece of toast, have a cup of tea, a Bex, and a good lie down.
And then it rained.
Thought SC Roos comments on post match interview were quite out of order.
It's all very well and good to blame the team for not putting in "the effort".
Even Blind Freddie could see that.
But at no stage did he pose the question "why?"
Surely St Paul would have to seriously consider the idea, that is now abroad, that he no longer has the ability to inspire the players to put in "the effort", which is, after all, what coaches are principally there to do.
If not, then he should just hand the reigns over to Longmire forthwith, and be done with it.
Trash talkin' does no-one any good.

SYDNEY: 3.2, 5.4, 8.5, 9.9 (63). Goals: Playfair 2, Bradshaw, Hannebery, Kirk, Smith, Jack, Malceski, Rohan.
FREMANTLE: 3.6, 9.12, 11.14, 14.16 (100). Goals: Pavlich 3, Hasleby 2, McPhee 2, Bradley 2, Crowley 2, Sandilands, Mayne, Morabito.
At Sydney Cricket Ground.
Crowd: 24,819.

nothing more than an Indian summer

Fellow Aghastees,

Knew we were in deep trouble from the outset.
Had that feeling in my water, even before getting into the ground.
Had the misfortune to find myself with the Good Lady Wife in the walk up crowd to buy tickets to the outer at the SCG on Sunday arvo.
Then saw some kind of lunatic dressed in the full South Sydney kit from head to toe, but covered in hundreds of buttons as if it was a Suit of Lights, topped off with a large red, white and green jesters hat perched on his head covering a thatch of wild wiry grey hair.
He was pedalling in a dervish kind of way up and down Driver Ave outside the main turnstiles on a three-wheeled contraption constructed entirely of chrome in the way of a Bangkok tuk-tuk; which was festooned in all kinds of South Sydney paraphenalia, constantly sounding the bank of small hand operated horns and trumpets that had been attached to the handle bars.
He didn't need to say anything, which he didn't -- he'd already made his statement.
And this at a Tigers home game? [bringing to four the number of 'home' grounds to be utilised this season].
Also noticed something peculiar about the ticket.
There was no doubting it was an official Ticketek ticket to the unreserved seating with a specific number on it, but in the little box in the lower right hand corner marked "price" of admission was printed $0.00.
Got me thinking does that mean it went into the official bookeeping as a complimentary ticket, while the $23.00 that was forked at the box office went to the unofficial under-the-counter over-the-cap fund to provide a few extra lollies for the players?
Mmm.
Not being familiar with the cheap seats set up for rugby league at the SCG, given that it was the one and only match in the caper to be scheduled there this year, picked up the obligatory pie & beer and found what appeared to be a good spot right in front of the Doug Walters Bar.
Soon realised that it was right next to the bay that is known, as we later discovered, as "the Burrow", reserved specifically for South's maniacs and psychopaths.
As soon as they started singing, knew it was time to move on.
Shifted to the Paddington end of the ground and found a nice perch underneath the awning of the Dally Messenger Stand, right next to the [now seriously ageing and rusting Bradman Stand] and was somewhat suprised to find that a full brass section had set up right behind us.
Things did not augur well from the off, as Balmain messed up the very first play of the game, knocking the Souths kick off back into the in-goal, when they should have allowed it to roll into touch, and from there it just went from bad to worse, with the Tigers forwards getting mercilessly walloped up the middle by the the big brown brothers in the Rabbitoh's pack, and when they did manage to get the ball, the Tigers backs couldn't do a single thing right; dropped ball and knock-ons all over the shop, every pass went wrong, every kick went awry.
After a while, someone in a black beanie called out "there's no grunt in the engine room!"
The GLW, who, despite being a keen student of the game, is not generally prone to barracking, barked in reply "yeah! and the backs aren't playing very well either!"
When Lui scored for Balmain to level the terms at 6-6 there was a very faint glimer of hope, and everyone was startled when the brass section opened up with a couple of riffs to celebrate.
It became clear that the band had been paid to only play when the Tigers scored -- they had very little to do for the rest of the afternoon.
At 18-6 at the break it seemed only a matter of time before the floodgates opened, and so it came to pass
As if to purposely add to the surreal nature of the scene, five minutes before half time, upwards of a thousand young dancing girls dressed in black leotards with gold ribbons in their hair began filing onto the ground along the eastern touch line - which was a little disconcerting with the game still in progress - to get ready for the half time entertainment.
Things went from bad to worse to appalling after that.
When the Rabbitiohs put on their first try of the second half, the GLW whispered in my ear "bloody poop. we are getting absolutely murdered here".
Souths scored willy nilly on the back on unforced Balmain errors, mainly from one B.Marshall, and it was soon clear that a cricket score was in the offing at the cricket ground
There was widespread speculation among seasoned observers at the ground that it was the worst exhibition of rugby league put on by the Tigers against the Rabbitohs in living memory.
Having blindly followed the club for nigh on 25 years, struggling to think of a worse one.
Old hands of the likes of Backdoor Benny and Blocker Roach have even been hauled out in the fishwraps saying "worst ever", "pitiful display", "should hand over their match payments to charity" etc.
It certainly was for the yoof of today if the faces on a couple of young kiddies sitting just a few seats along was anything to go by.
They were maybe nine or ten year old boys who looked completely crestfallen as they had wrapped their Tigers flags tightly around the stick of dowel, to which they were holding on grimly.
Touching to see them take their disappointment hard.
When the Rabbitoh's scored their ninth try of the match with seven minutes left on the clock, thought it prudent that we should follow the lead of the highly vocal, disgruntled Tigers fans a couple of rows in front who simply screamed "enough is enough", and begin to make a break for the turnstiles.
So we entirely missed the wild scenes at the end of the match.
As the GLW was taking a leak underneath the Bill O'Reilly Stand on the way out, that Try Scoring Freak Lawrence apparently scored a very late 'consolation try' for Balmain.
By all accounts, as Marshall was lining up to have the kick at goal for the conversion, hundreds of people started spilling over the fence onto the ground; making off with the corner posts, drink bottles on the sidelines, eskies, spare footballs, advertising hoardings, you name it; anything they could lay their hands on that wasn't nailed down flat.
The Bamford then had no alternative but to blow the full-time whistle, which was the cue for a full scale pitch invasion as thousands of South Sydneyites ran onto the ground to mob their heroes, as the Balmain players fled in terror back to the safety of the dressing room, with the cops and security powerless to do anything about it.
Heard sometime later that some Souths fan had been spotted on the ground stripping her top off to reveal her not inconsiderable breasts while she posed with her favourite Rabbitoh, as her girlfriend took photographs on her mobile phone.
Have always thought that Souths fans were all class.
It was a good thing to miss, for mine.
Got home just in time to switch on the early sports news on the crystal bucket and cover our eyes and ears for the highlights package, but did see footage of SC Sheens saying on interview after the game "We should apologise to our fans for that. I've just had a long talk to the players about it...we haven't played that badly in a very, very long time..."
At least he didn't make any excuses, like the curse of the bye or some such nonsense, and fully accepted that the buck stops here.
After witholding over-the-cap payments for the forseeable future, The Club Secretary has booked the boys in for a couple of sessions this week in The Room Full of Mirrors down on the Balmain Road, so they can spend some time having a good look at themselves as they hang their heads in shame.
As for SC Sheens, it's back to Ashley & Martin for more urgent hair loss treatment.
Would be well served to live out my born days without having to witness and endure in person such a miserable gawdforsaken shocker again.

WESTS TIGERS 10. Tries: Lui, Lawrence. Goals: Marshall (1).
SOUTH SYDNEY RABBITOHS 50. Tries: Merritt (3), Champion (2), Taylor, Sandow, Best, Talanoa. Goals: Luke (7).
At Sydney Cricket Ground.
Crowd: 30,685.


Obviously the boys in the back room down at the Swans Club in Kings Cross didn't do enough work sticking the pins into the Big Bad Barry Hall voodoo doll.
Five maximums, and His Badness should really have kicked ten off his own boot.
Knew we were in deep trouble from the outset.
Had that feeling in my water as soon as news filtered through on the bush telegraph in the corner of the loungeroom that Bradshaw had been ruled out just before the opening bounce as he was still feeling the ill-effects of being sat on like a pumpkin at Kardinia Park the week previous.
And all they could come up with was Paul Bevan as a last minute replacement.
Says something about the depth of the Sydney roster.
No ruckmen, no full forward, no cigar.
But they really only had themselves to blame, in the final paralysis.
You don't generally win games by failing to kick ten goals on the wide open spaces at Manuka Oval.
Embarrassing when the opposition pulls up stumps at the end of the Championship Quarter, finding that there's no real need to kick a goal in final quarter - seven behinds will do - with the game already well and truly in the dilly bag.
SC Roos would have had plenty to think about as he scratched his chin and gazed out to sea at the Sunday morning smoko by the Magic Waters.
The early season purple patch turns out to be nothing more than an Indian summer.
Swans go from top of the table to sixth on the ladder in the space of a fortnight.
The less said the better.
And it doesn't get any easier for a while.
Did note that the bloke who gave a Swans jumper to that inveterate collector of football guernseys, The Dalai Lama, announced his retirement from the caper mid-week, at age 33, effective at the end of the season.
Will be forever known among the faithful as Brett "Never Played A Bad Game" Kirk.
What he lacked in natural ability, he made up for in internal fortitude, read guts and determination.
Dead set champion.
Couldn't have pulled off the Miracle of '05 without him.
Vale Cap'n Kirk.

WESTERN BULLDOGS: 4.4, 9.6, 14.10, 14.17 (101). Goals: Hall 5, Stack 3, Lake 2, Hahn, Higgins, Eagleton, Hill.
SYDNEY: 3.2, 4.7, 6.9, 9.9 (63). Goals: Goodes 4, Hannebury 2, Bolton, Rohan, Kirk.
Crowd: 14,308.
At Manuka Oval, Canberra.

loose men everywhere

Cat Hatters,

The Pontiff's Seed is very strong indeed.
There's little doubting that Gary Ablett Jnr is the best player in the caper...on a week in, week out basis.
SC Roos says so, so it must be right.
37 touches, all of them effectual.
Swans were pretty well smashed in the forwards as the lack of multiple goal kickers in the score box in a ten goal football lesson will tell anyone, with Bradshaw for instance, sat on like a pumpkin.
As always, Geelong had loose men everywhere in the opposition's backline; the Swan's backs appeared to be paralysed by the fear of having goals kicked on them, and look what happened.
Except The Great Irishman, who tried his heart out and did some good work, but he'll be the first to tell you you can't do it all on your own, unless you are The Son Of God.
The Goodes Train might have even pinched a Brownlow point in a badly beaten side, given that he's the umpire's pet, but probably not.
Don't know that any particular structural problems were exposed, just a simple case of class will always win out in the end.
An absolute disgrace that Shane "Mummy" Mumford was rubbed out for two weeks by the court jesters and fools down at the Tribunal for putting a decent innocent tackle on Ablett, who must by now have been added to the list of protected species.
And a guiltless man gets his marching orders with no priors and no intent.
What a travesty of 'justice'.
The Three Wise Men obviously rejected Mumford's defence of "I was always taught, yr honour, yr worship, that the whole purpose of a good tackle was to grind the other bloke's face into the dirt".
Mumford, the former Cat, wasn't even reported, but there's an assumption by the powers that be that he had some kind of vendetta going in revenge for omission by Geelong from their 2009 Grand Final line-up.
Errant nonsense.
Mummy said before the game "I've moved on, they've moved on..." and what's to say anyone doesn't believe him, apart from conspiracy theorists?
The bloke would have to be very disappointed to be on the receiving end of special treatment and the resultant bad taste in the mouth.
The Tribunal members, Wayne Henwood, David Pittman and Wayne Schimmelbusch, are just about due for a session in the Room Full Of Mirrors down on the Balmain Road, for mine.
As a result, Sydney have no ruckmen, apart from Mike Pyke, who is still missing the lineout from his rugby union days.
SC Roos took his yardstick to Kardina Park and found it to be about a foot short.
Purple patch aside, will have to do better than that to loom as any kind of threat in September.
The question was raised in the Front Bar down at The Local mid-week as to who SC Roos might put on Big Bad Barry Hall on the wastelands of Manuka Oval this weekend.
It was mentioned over drinks that someone had heard that Tagh Kennelly was quoted on interview saying that it will be "rather weird" playing against BBB, but then pointed out that Barry is in reality just a big soft fluffy puppy.
So, the imbibers speculated, SC Roos would be thinking about putting a hard man on a hard man.
In that case, The Great Irishman springs to mind as the pea.
Although, it was agreed, you could get Lewis "The Ugliest Man In Football" Roberts-Thompson to put in a merciless close tagging job, climb all over Hall like a cheap suit, give him the complete shits, discreetly knee him in the balls in backplay, and provoke the round arm haymaker.
Then it would be Goodbye Mr Chips, once and for all.

GEELONG: 4.0, 7.4, 12.8, 19.12 (126). Goals: Podsiadly 5, Varcoe 3, Chapman 3, Ablett 2, Johnson 2, Blake, Hogan, Kelly, Byrnes
SYDNEY: 3.0, 5.2, 7.3, 9.5 (59). Goals: Jack 2, Goodes, White, McVeigh, Barlow, Bradshaw, O'Keefe, Rohan.
At Kardinia Park.
Crowd: 25,970.

For the Mighty Tiges, the easiest two premiership points they'll get all season - except for the other bye.
More than the Storm will get.
After having a bushman's holiday coaching Straya to a predictable win over the Kiwis while nervously watching his marquee player turn out for the opposition, SC Sheens is now resting comfortably after undergoing the first round of hair loss restoration prescription treatment down at Ashley & Martin.
Happy to leave the team up to Folkesy, Roycey & Skando for a fortnight.

WEST TIGERS: Bye.

dead set robbed blind in broad daylight

Straight Shooters,

Now officially into a very rare early season purple patch, as it's been about 12 years since Sydernee topped the table for two weeks running, at any stage, in any season.
You only need to look at the scorebox to see how the Swans methodically closed down the game in the final quarter not bothering to score a goal, after putting the Bears away in the Championship Quarter on the back of a handy half time lead.
Bradhsaw's miracle 60 metre torpedo right on the three quarter time hooter sealed the thing, and was rated by many at the ground as the best goal seen at the SCG in years.
A seasoned observer reports :
"...about 10 rows back in that pocket, so had a perfect view of the mark, his approach, the drop of the ball onto his foot – “Hell Yes, he’s going the TORP!”, I bellowed and then eyes-up!!!, everyone standing to see the ball spin and wobble high into the air and over the goal umpire’s hat – magnificent...the torepdo punt is the new black..."
Did the ABC TV News really say on Sunday that "the jury was still out" in Brisbane as to whether it was a very good idea to swap Bradshaw for Fevola in a complex series of trades, and who got the best value?
If the jury had any sense, the verdict would have ben pronounced a while ago now.
Bad Uncle Fev, of course, did nothing, apart from soccer a few goals off the ground after spending some time at training practicing the toe poke.
The Ugliest Man in Football, Lewis Roberts-Thompson, did what he was told by SC Roos, and simply water-skiied behind Fev all night -- the shirt tugging, the shoulder bumping off the ball, the discreet elbow to the ribs, the love taps, the constant niggle in back play, and knock over top, all the while calling Fev all kind of names.
Brilliant.
The Other Bolton, Rhino Keefe and the Goodes Train also had corkers, but really, the sports hacks on the Sunday's could have just written "all played well" in the best column in the newspaper scoreboxes, and no one would have argued.
All highly satisfactory.
[As an aside, another spy at the ground who knows a thing or two about the configuration of the SCG, past and present, has suggested that from his view in The Members Bar, the actual attendance was a good five to six thousand short of the official crowd figure.
The AFL is probably thinking they can afford to forgive the Swans for a bit of book cooking at the turnstiles when they know The Great Sheeds is looming on the horizon.]
It's also about 12 years since Sydney won at Kardinia Park, and they will need all the luck they can get there this weekend.
For away teams and fans, it's the most miserable gawd-forsaken dump of them all, if my bitter experience at the ground three years ago is anything to go by:
http://crazycraves.blogspot.com/2007/07/pontiffs-seed-is-strong.html]
It's cold and windswept, it always rains, the terraces are overcrowded, you get warm beer poured all over you, the cold pies have got liver and giblets in them, the away team always loses, and there is certainly no shortage of pyschopaths among the Geelong faithful.
SC Roos refuses to say anything about it, save "it'll be a good yardstick as to where we are at".
No kidding.

SYDNEY: 5.1, 9.5, 16.8, 16.11 (107) Goals: Bradshaw 6, Goodes 3, J.Bolton 2, Smith 2, Moore, Jack, Malceski.
BRISBANE: 2.2, 5.3, 11.4, 13.9 (87) Goals: Brown 4, Fevola 4, Banfield 3, Leuenberger, Polkinghorne.
At Sydney Cricket Ground.
Crowd: 30,975.

For some unknown reason, haven't been too hard on the Bamfords in either code so far this season.
Well, now it's time to blow up.
Tigers were dead set robbed blind in broad daylight.
After deciding that Campbelltown was too far to go, even on my holidays, and preferring instead a long Sunday lunch on a post-card picture perfect day in the Emerald City, you can imagine my surprise on arriving home to find Balmain 8-6 in front deep into the match with just ten minutes left.
You can then well imagine my disgust as the video Bamford awarded Eastern Suburbs the match winning 'try' four minutes from full-time on the very dubious "benefit of the doubt" clause, when it was perfectly clear to anyone taking even a casual interest in proceedings that Beau Ryan at full back fumbled a very high, well placed whiz-bang of a bomb; but was then completely over-run and flattened while getting a slap in the chops on trying to clean up his own mess, and the 'try' scorer came from clearly an offside position.
Anyone's guess as to what the fool Bamford was 'seeing'?
Obviously, the buffoon has never had a cursory glance at the NSWRL Rule Book, let alone made any serious study of it.
Could take him to my 1966 copy, and direct him to the chapter and verse regarding the tackling of defenders without possession of the ball, and the rule regarding offside attackers in open running play in the opposing side's half.
Nothing's changed in that department since the outset of the caper a hundred years ago.
Only two reasons why the 'try' should have been disallowed and a Tigers penalty awarded.
And what were the incompetant touch judges doing at the time, by the way?
Either looking the other way, fast asleep, drunk, or in dire need of a long consultation at the optometrist.
What an absolute shocker.
That sort of rubbish from the officials is a coach's worst nightmare as it's something he has no control over.
The only footage of the match that flashed before my eyes on the highlights reel was that of SC Sheens, who had returned to the coaches box from the sideline, on the awarding of the offending 'try', throwing his head back and rolling his eyes into to the rear of his skull, before plunging his forehead into both hands in despair, and then proceeding to pull out what little hair he has left on his scone.
He must be breathing a sigh of relief that after three losses on the trot, the Tiges will be gifted the two premierships points this weekend with the bye, and he'll have time to make an appointment at Ashley & Martin to see if they can do anything about the coiffure.

WESTS TIGERS 8. Tries: Heighington. Goals: Marshall (2).
SYDNEY ROOSTERS 12. Tries: Carney, Nuuausala. Goals: Carney (2).
At Campbelltown Sports Ground.
Crowd: 19,901.

went to his grave without any legs

Money Grubbers,

Imagine everyone's surprise when they opened the Monday morning fishwraps to find Sydnernee leading the comp/top of the table, with an early season purple patch in the offing
Unheard of.
It couldn't just be the long standing Swans policy of providing on the benevolent fund an annex at the club for a retirement home for Aging Oddballs and Misfits, Disgraced or Discarded Full-Forwards from the old school, as well as the Disgruntled and the Bewildered Ruckmen in the the twilight of their careers.
BBB Hall and The Great Spida being classic examples in recent history, with Nick Davis Come To Save Us and Along Came A Schneider rather less successful experiments in the Fruit Loops Dept.
Of the current crop of crocks, Danny Bradshaw - unwanted and unloved at Brisbane after 14 years of loyal service and two premierships, now kicking bagfuls south of the border; Mark Seaby - did nothing in a hundred games for the Eagles, now making something of an impact for the Emerald City; Marty Mattner - did nothing in a hundred games at the Crows, now an integral part of the Swans backline; McGlynn and Kennedy rejected by Hawthorn - but now getting used to the Sydney way of going; who had ever heard of Shane Mumford or Josh Kennedy The Second? not to mention The Great Irishman - the "recruit" of the year, despite having done it all and having nothing to prove.
Might as well spend nothing on experience as it comes free of charge on the promise that the old blokes will be well looked after, as they pass on their knowledge to the green horns
It couldn't just be that The Goodes Train and Rhino Keefe have All-Australian guernsey's written all over them in the early stages, or that a few well credentialled kiddies, Hannebery and Jack just emerging from their rookie years spring to mind, are well and truly finding their feet.
It couldn't just be the Longmire Effect.
SC Roos confesses he has no idea what it is.
The West Coast Weasles turned out to be easy meat in the final paralysis, done and dusted in the Championship Quarter and the final term simply put the fruit on the sideboard in terms of Swans percentage.
But, be buggered and eat my hat at the same time if 28 thousand punters were in.
Well informed spies at The Ground suggested that the new Doug Walters Stand was almost entirely empty, the man and His Dog were on their usual perch in the MA Noble Stand, and there was plenty of room in the cheap seats.
The club probably counted as through the turnstiles members who got waylayed in Paddington pubs and never quite made it to the ground.
Of course the proof is always in the pudding and the Bears [h], Pussies [a], and Puppies [a] to come will sort the men from the boys.

SYDNEY: 3.3, 7.8, 11.9, 17.13 (115). Goals: Bradshaw 6, White 2, Goodes 2, McVeigh, J Bolton, Jack, Mattner, Kirk, Shaw, Kennedy.
WEST COAST: 2.2, 4.4, 6.7, 9.9 (63). Goals: Kennedy 3, Hams, Priddis, Cox, Naitanui, Hurn, Masten
At Sydney Cricket Ground.
Crowd: 28,442.

Did note that a former Club Secretary at Balmain [who took it upon himself for the rest of his life to remind people at every opportunity that he was in charge in the other Miracale Year, '69] Kevin Emery 'Farking' Humphreys popped up in the mid week obituaries as brown bread at 80.
Went to his grave without any legs, by all accounts.
Diabetes does that sort of thing to you.
Humphreys was epitome of the 70's-80's rugby league pooh-bahs, in an era that some people still yearn for as the last years of the "real game"; corrupt as buggery, yet squeaky clean.
How does that work?
Clever not to do jail time, as the Street Royal Commission suggested that he should have.
Convicted of defrauding the Balmain Leagues Club, fined $2000, and given a good behaviour bond in the end, as you'd recall.
Melbourne Storm guilty of fraud?
Probably most certainly not.
But they were taught by experts, and Humphrey's was a consumate master in the art of balancing the various rugby league factions and the "siphoning off" funds, for 'the good of the club', not to mention himself.
Son Stephen, like father, is now the current Club Secretary at Balmain.
Same, same, only different.
"We could have had fifty points put on us"
SC Sheens 25/4/10.
An admission perhaps that while defence is a very admirable thing indeed in the football caper, the team might be on the verge of forgeting how to win.
That'd be for Royce Simmons to work out, and he's probably booked a few sessions in The Room Full Of Mirrors down on the Balmain Road if they can't get over the hump that is Eastern Suburbs this weekend.
It's all very well to put in a heroic 'Anzac' effort and then see it undone by a bomb 8 minutes from stumps.
Bad luck, that.
Funny thing is that the Best Leb in Game is doing a fantastic job in hoeing the row along the advantage line and might get picked for New South Wales at hooker, and the forwards coming behind him in the form of the likes of the Bludnut and The Refrigerator aren't backward in coming forward, and That Try Scoring Freak Lawrence can be relied on to tot up a few points every week, Benji is on song most of the time and Lote "Wot'd I do Guv?" Tuquiri going mad on the wing, and yet winning eludes them.
Perhaps its the imminent return from a badly shattered leg of the Human Wrecking Ball that is the spark that's required??
Still... plenty to like about the Mighty Tiges, as the odds for the JJ begin to lengthen
Penrith is over the cap, obviously, with a couple of players who will probably be named in the Strayan team for the annual NZ clash.
Otherwise, why would you go there?

PENRITH PANTHERS 26. Tries: Coote (2), Jennings, Gordon. Goals: Gordon (5).
WESTS TIGERS 18. Tries: Heighington, Lawrence, Flanagan. Goals: Marshall (3).
At Penrith Stadium.
Crowd: 19,220.

the value of a ham sandwich in a brown paper bag

Scandalizers,

At half time, the Channel Nine camera panned across one of the grand stands at the Sydney Football Stadium, then focussed its gaze on a large hand-written banner being held up on two tall sticks of dowel that read THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJI MARSHALL.
"Aah", the Good Lady Wife remarked, "they'd be Balmain people. On drugs".
There's no coaching against being absolutely steamrollered, with the Bulldogs pack deciding they were too big and too strong from the outset for the Tigers forwards on the day, and to go about using that muscle to deny the opposition possession and barge and bash the holy joisus out of them as they tackle themsleves into the ground.
There was much that was honourable, won't go so far as to say heroic, in only being down 6-0 at half time -- but at what a cost?
No ground gained, with the heavy artillery gone and the light infantry ineffectual.
Excuse the Anzac Day pun.
Not even the fittest of the match-fit teams can come back from that sort of treatment
Little wonder rugby league is the shortest of all codes at just 80 minutes playing time.
The Balmain forwards were too shot, too buggered after 50, with the likes of Benji, that Try Scoring Freak Lawrence and the Paver With Legs standing around with their hands in their pockets.
The Paver was clearly out of his depth, particularly when he was turned on his heels by the Canterbury attack virtually on his try line and ended up never putting a hand on the try scorer.
Getting turned around being a cardinal sin in the rugby league.
Otherwise, he tried his best, but still has a formidable library of football books to read.
The chance of pulling off an early season "purple patch" [officially classified as a five game winning streak] was never going to be.
At a loss to think of what can be learnt from such a defeat?
Have to leave that up to SC Sheens, Roycey, Folkesy and Skando to discover, and leave the Club Secretary right out of it -- he'd be a very busy man anyway, finding out who it is exactly that's paying for the strawberries and cream.

Bit off topic here, but it was a supreme irony that news filtered through that Juan Antonio Samaranch had decided to shuffle off on the same day the Melbourne Storm got busted and rubbed out.
The long-time No.1 Chief Captain of the No.1 Gravy Train of all time certainly knew the value of a ham sandwich in a brown paper bag.
You only have to look at the Champagne and caviar bill that SOCOG coughed up for in 2000.
Little wonder Juan insisted on being called "Your Excellency".
As a mate remarked, "anyone who could sell the idea of buying hookers to the Mormons must have known a trick or two in his time".
1st class facists always travel 1st class.
Obviously, Brian "Two Books" Waldron & Co. were operating on Samaranch's lifelong principle of "it's not illegal unless you get caught".
In a double irony, who would have imagined that the Storm would have thought that they could get away with paying for the hospitality tent twice?
Good one, that.
They might as well have put that one in the books as "half-time oranges".


WESTS TIGERS 4. Tries: Tuqiri.
CANTERBURY BULLDOGS 24. Tries. Ennis (2), Patten, Kimmorley. Goals Goodwin (4).
At Sydney Football Stadium.
Crowd: 19,491.

"well, we haven't had as good a start as that in quite a few years now. Not even in the '05 Premiership season".
SC Roos, 18/4/10...
Oh dear.
Is it wise of the main man to be speaking of the Miracle Year with 18 matches left to play?
Probably only made it as an off the cuff comment at Sunday morning Smoko down by the magic waters, someone overheard it, and it ended up in the papers.
North always looked like they were going to collapse around the edges of the ruck in the Championship Quarter, and kicking five goals on them just proved the point.
Very pleasing to see the Hannebery kiddie on fire.
Stout, and doesn't mind getting involved in the occasional stacks-on-the-mill.
Would have been the best on ground by the length of the street.
And Young Jetta had a fine game, quickly finding his feet in the top grade; all the skills and a superbly placed kick across the wide open spaces to die for.
If they can both overcome the handicap of their small frames, and are given the proper compensation in match day sandwiches, you'd think they'd both be 10+ year players for Syderneee.
The Goodes Train continues on his merry way as the Bamford's pet and it wouldn't surprise if he picked up another Brownlow point.
Another nine man goal kicking list.
No one is complaining about the The Longmire Effect.

NORTH MELBOURNE: 3.4, 6.7, 8.11, 8.12 (60 ). Goals: Edwards 2, Wells 2, Hale, Thomas, Harvey, Adams
SYDNEY: 3.2, 6.6, 11.11, 14.16 (100 ). Goals: Bradshaw 4, Goodes 2, Mattner 2, O'Keefe, McGlynn, White, Kirk, Hannebery, Kennedy.
At Docklands Stadium.
Crowd: 23,646.

the 'paver with legs'

Snoozers,

At nine goals in advance by the long break, there was nothing for it but to reach for the pipe and slippers and finding myself home alone curled up on the lounge in front of the Crystal Bucket; the dog fetched me a nice glass of port.
Richmond are truly, truly, awul.
They will win the wooden spoon by the length of the street.
It's difficult to conjour up a football club, in any code, who have put out a worse team onto the paddock in living memory.
Sure they are forced to spread their meagre talent very thinly, but it's plain to see that their hearts aren't in it.
Always fatal in this caper.
Only evinced by Bad Uncle "Iceman" Cuz involving a few of his more gullible team mates on a drunken 'rampage'/jolly jape through the Intercontinental Hotel at three o'clock in the morning Sunday, upsetting a few other patrons.
Made worse by the fact that it wasn't as if the hotel staff and security didn't know who they were.
Red lights should have started flashing as they said to each other, "oh, no, here come some footballers".
Ironic that Cuz was rubbed out for a week of account of his omissions, rather than his acts.
The dumb-arsed fool who was sent to the wilderness for seven weeks might as well kiss goodbye to his football career right now.
Notwithstanding, The Ugliest Man in Football, Lewis Roberts-Thomson, having his best game in a very long time at full back, as mentioned last week, the Longmire Influence is now becoming very apparent.
'Horse' is obviously from the old school that says the whole point of a football match is to kick more goals than the other team, as opposed to the SC Roos theory that it's best to win games by denying the opposition goals.
Longmire realises that if you can get the mojo working through the centre and across the wings, then the defence should be able to look after itself.
And with plenty of go-to men up front [you only have to look at the multiple goal scorers in this week's scorebox, and then the ten goal kickers in sixteen goals] there's no need in the modern game for a marquee player of the likes of BBB Hall.
By the end of thy season, SC Roos will be struttin' up and down along the boundary line barking encouragement like a soccer manager, while Longmire calls the shots from the coaches box.

SYDNEY: 6.4, 10.6, 13.13, 16.15 (111). Goals: Bradshaw 4, McGlynn 3, Goodes 2, O'Keefe, Kennedy, Jack, Moore, Mumford, J. Bolton, Malceski.
RICHMOND: 0.4, 1.8, 4.10, 7.14 (56). Goals: Riewoldt 3, Edwards, Simmonds, Nason, Deledio.
At Sydney Cricket Ground.
Crowd: 28,414.

It's only slightly concerning that Balmain, once again, are running out of half-backs so early in the season, with the Moltzen kiddie picking up what looks like a season-ender against the Cowboys.
Not to worry, Lazarus to the rescue!
Blake Lazarus has been plucked out of reserve grade to make his debut at No.7 in the firsts against the Evil Bulldogs, largley because SC Sheens had no other choice.
Young Blake has ancestry, given that he's a nephew of The Great 'Brick With Eyes', Uncle Glen Lazarus.
He's known in his family as the 'Paver With Legs'.
True!
Didn't see a frame of the game in Townsville, only snippets of the radio call, including the comment "Benji Marshall's goal kicking is just not up to first grade standard. Simple as that", so in no position to make much of analysis, but by all reports from spies at the ground the Tiges pack is on fire; in this case laying out the groundwork against good defence with some well placed heavy artillery allowing the light infantry in the form of Lote "Wot'd I do, Guv?" Turquiri and the try scoring freak Lawrence to tip toe around the shell holes .
Under extreme pressure in the second half, yet another field goal from the Best Leb In The Game nicely diffused a dangerous situation, with Far North Qld, needing to score twice, unable to penetrate the Balmain brick wall thrown up around the ball, effectively shutting the game down.
Brilliant!
SC Sheens a long memory.
Asked on interview after the game for his thoughts on the team's general performance he replied "well, we haven't won here in a while".
He knows the value of beating the Cowboys home and away in any regular season, a la The Miracle of '05.

NORTH QUEENSLAND COWBOYS 16. Tries: Bolton, Tonga, Watts. Goals: Williams (1), Thurston (1).
WESTS TIGERS 23. Tries: Lawrence (2), Tuqiri, Heighington. Goals: Marshall (2), Field Goals: Farah (1).
At Townsville Stadium.
Crowd: 16,273.