a rocket up the rectum

Hillites,

The first thing observed on shambling into Leichhardt Oval on Friday evening was two NSW cops on bicycles.
Oh dear.
Utterly ridiculous.
What were they thinking?
With thousands of punters crawling all over the hill, the terraces and in the stand, what hope did plod ever have of getting around on two wheels?
The sergeant who sent them there had either never been to a football match in his life, or is as dumb as a fence post; probably both.
In any case, the pair of hapless constables soon realised that they were fools to themselves and a burden on the community, and pedalled on out of the ground, never to return.
At the bar, ran into a well known lunatic regular at The Oval.
She's a wizened, loud-mouthed woman about my age who sports something of a mohawk hairdo and stands dwarf like at about 4'9" tall, if that, and is always dressed in the same Balmain kit from the seventies.
She was saying to no one in particular [because no one listens to her], as she chugged away on a durrie, "that's the thing I love about fookin' Leichhardt, the whole farkin' place is a designated smoking area!! Reckon us smokers should start putting out our butts up the arses of them wowser non-smokers, don't y'reckon?".
Never been one to be short of an opinion.
In an interesting segue, soon afterwards went into the dunnies for a pre-game straining of the potatoes, looked down, and saw an almost full packet of Stuyvo's that had obviously been accidentally dropped in the trough.
They were ruined of course, and the owner of the urine soaked fags would have been spewing, dead set.
Unusually for Leichhardt, things had gone awry with the catering.
On entry to the ground there were no pies available.
What the?
"Sorry luv, there's been a mix up with the pies, there should be some later" said the granny behind the snack bar.
Never saw any evidence of them for the rest of the game.
If there ever were pies, you'd expect to see a dropped one or two on the ground here and there.
After that, things did not auger well from the off, as the Tigers let in two soft, tatty tries; one of which it must be said came off the back of a plain wrong decision by the Bamfords; it could have been a technical infringement in the play the ball, there might have been a hint of offside, or something completely different, but who knows?
Every punter was shaking their head and asking the person next to them "what on earth went on there?", looking for the explanation that never came.
Standing, as we do, on the terrace at the 20 metre line at the Swimming Pool End, where the Tigers were kicking to in the first half, we hardly ever saw the ball in front of us, as Balmain made one single solitary line break in the entire first half.
The fact of the matter was they were being hammered relentlessly down the other end.
Wests were playing rubbish and getting severely punished in defence as a result.
What attack there was just looked so predictable, and hence inffective, without the Best Leb In The Game driving the engine room, with the bloke away on State-of-Origin duties.
No doubt at half time, SC Sheens would have inserted a rocket up the rectum of each and every player, while saying a few choice words.
The Good Lady Wife ventured to suggest that the Supercoach in his half time address might have said to them "If you think you played anything other than crap football in that half, you have rocks in your head" followed by an expletive or something similar.
Whatever he said, it worked
And, on the face of it, 0-10 down at half-time still looked manageable.
Things continued to go not so good when soon after half the ice cold $6 cans of Carlton and VB ran out.
Don't know that it's ever happened before; maybe the punters were just unusually toey and thirsty.
But then Balmain ran in two class tries off some well worked play by the forwards, and they were back in it.
When Matty Utai crawled his way over the line in the 63rd minute for what was effectively the match winning try, wriggling like a worm in what looked for all the world like a double movement, but the Bamford ruled he wasn't effectively tackled and so was entitled to continue to play the ball, and blew the whistle and pointed at the spot, the crowd went absolutely apeshit, as they do at Leichhardt.
No finer venue for that kind of noise in world sport.
With Farah absent, the centres all moved in a spot with Humble going to hooker, where he was uncomfortable.
Benji played really well, but his temporary move to half back didn't quite work, for mine - he's really a specialist five eighth - but he certainly remembered to bring his kicking boots with him, potting all four conversions, with two of the goals coming in from difficult angles way out on the touch line.
In the final paralysis - the difference between winning and losing.
Seen many games of better football, but the Balmain supporters wandering the back streets of Rozelle when it was over weren't complaining, and why should they?
On interview after the game, SC Sheens made an observation on ficklessness, saying "early in the season we were criticised for not grinding it out, and now that we are grinding it out, we are being accused of not playing like the Wests Tigers".
He didn't go on to say he couldn't care less about pleasing all the fans all the time, but he might as well have.
Knows the value of any win, any way you can, "at this time of year".
Looked forward to popping my head around the front door of the Front Bar at The Local on Saturday morning.
Noticed that the Brown Bros were in as usual, so just yelled out "Gotcha!"
The boys instinctively ducked for cover, and then looked all sheepish when they saw my visage, but they beckoned me to come in as they poured me a schooner from their jug.
After some back-slapping, we discussed the in and outs of the match in a quiet and sociable way.
Most convivial people they are; the antithesis of sore losers.
The Philospher took a keen interest in the conversation, but declined to participate, saying not word.
He just smiled and nodded his head as he nursed a glass of bone dry sherry.
On exiting the bar to go down to the shops, one of the Bros called out "no worry bru! We'll see you in the Grand Final, eh! That'd be choice, eh, bru?"
Bless.

WESTS TIGERS 24. Tries: Moltzen, Ryan, Tuqiri, Utai. Goals: Marshall (4).
NEW ZEALAND WARRIORS 22.Tries: Hurrell (2), Henry, Tupou. Goals: Maloney (3).
At Leichhardt Oval.
Crowd: 16,406.



Well, if you don't beat Melbun by at least ten goals in the current set-up, you might as well pick up your ball, pack your things away in your kit, go home, and give the game away.
Sad.
There was absolutely nothing at all to be learned from this match.
Perhaps the only thing of note was the deliciously ironic fact that in the fixture that marked the 30th anniversary of the forcible shift of South Melbourne to Sydney, the Best On Ground was Keiran "Son of Gary" Jack, the spawn of one of the greatest rugby league legends of all time.
But, there really should be a mercy rule.
Torture serves a purpose, and is all well and good in itself, except for when it goes on too long.
Under the rule, once a team leads by 100 points, the game is declared over, and the winners are awarded 15 bonus points to go towards their percentage.
The losers can suit themselves.
Speaking of long, drawn out spanking sessions, this game was a classic advertisment for AFL games to by shortened by five minutes a quarter, with five minutes also shaved off the ridiculously long half time break, to reduce the total match time by the length of a current quarter.
Not one to go on like a pork chop about it - it won't happen of course - but you know it makes sense.
You have to wonder what it'd be like to be a Demons fan at present.
Wholly disappointing, you'd expect, and while they probably accept that the club is going through a rough trot, they'd certainly be saying whatever they pay their players is too much.
My spy at the ground found himself utterly uninspired by anything that went on, witnessed by what he described as a "poor crowd".e telegraphed through the message that the crowd figure was clearly cooked in the books, saying there was no way they would have got anywhere near 18 thousand in - unless they counted everyone in the bars - in Paddington.
Par for the course.
And those who were actually there, began streaming out of the ground at half-time.
With that silly 4.40pm start time again, for me, must say that whipping up a cheeky pancetta & portobello mushroom risotto took precedence over watching the last quarter on the crystal bucket.A tawdry affair that everyone very quickly became disinterestered in.
Not to worry.
Four points in the dilly bag.
Next!

SYDNEY: 7.1, 11.4, 16.9, 21.12 (138). Goals: Parker 3, Jack 3, Jetta 3, Kennedy 3, Walsh 2, Dennis-Lane 2, McGlynn 2, O'Keefe, Reid, Mattner
MELBOURNE: 0.3, 1.5, 2.7, 5.7 (37). Goals: Jones 2, Green, Sylvia, Bennell.
At Sydney Cricket Ground.
Crowd: 20,818.

loose men everywhere

Voodooers,

What is it about Sydney and their quintessential hoo-doo ground?
Is it that, because of the hoo-doo, they play the match in their heads well before they even get to the ground, are their brains infested with the ghosts of great South Melbourne players past who they might mysteriously bump into on the paddock, are they haunted by the demons of that One Day in September in 2006, or perhaps they are fearful that the hallowed ground will simply open up and swallow them whole?
Who knows?
Inexplicable.
And that ground, of all grounds.
The Stats guru was quick to come up with the observation, that even though they don't play there that often in the regular season, in the last 15 games the Swans have appeared at the MCG, they've come away with one win and a draw.
Joisus.
Coming to think of it, it's very difficult to pinpoint the last game at the G in which they have played well since the Miracle Year.
Lost in the mists of time.
Wassup?
Or maybe its as simple as Mr Ed's 2012 coaching plan/modus operandi has been found out by opposition coaches after just five weeks.
The opening stanza being a classic case in point.
Richmond simply camped players on the best, most effective Sydney forwards - sat on them and closed them down completely - while not bothering much about the Swans defence, and leaving loose men everywhere in their own forward line.
It's a pretty simple game.
Certainly no rocket science involved.
And lets face it, there is no coming back from five goals-to-bugger all at quarter time, as you spend the rest of the match playing catchup football, which in the vast majority of cases in the Rules caper is a dead set lost cause, even if you win the Championship Quarter, as Sydney did, well, on this occasion.
Back to the drawing board, Horse.
The coach would have been forced to 'think again' as he sat by the magic waters at Bronte for Sunday morning smoko, gazing out beyond the horizon.
While Richmond had any number of candidates for Best on Ground, very hard to identify anyone who did any good for the Swans; JP Kennedy, again, perhaps, maybe, while Rhino and Son of Gary battled on gamely througout, but in truth, the Mothers Day fishwraps might as well have just inserted in the 'best' line in the Sydney scorebox 'all played poorly'.
It's probably time for a brief session in the Room Full Of Mirrors down on the Balmain Road, just in the faint hope that someone might by able to see the cause of the hoo-doo in their own refelection.
Perhaps they could take Brett Kirk dressed in some kind of kinky robe down there with them to do some mystical chanting, and light the incense.
Went to this game last year, and ended up having a most miserable weekend in Melbourne [cold wind, flat warm beer at the ground, barely defrosted pies, worst curry ever afterwards, being called a loser on a tram etc etc].
Lucky there was no enticement whatsoever to repeat the experience this time around.
And another thing.
It was fairly obvious - no Goodes Train - no cigar.
Tobacco freight disrupted indefinitely due to unexpected derailment.

RICHMOND: 5.6, 7.9, 8.11, 13.13 (91). Goals: Riewoldt 4, Grigg 3, Miller 2, Deledio, Martin, Maric, Conca.
SYDNEY: 0.2, 2.7, 6.9, 8.14 (62). Goals: Kennedy 2, Everitt, McGlynn, Hannebery, Grundy, Seaby, Dennis-Lane.
At Melbourne Cricket Ground.
Crowd: 40,352

Shock! Horror!
Against all expectations, the NSW selectors have at long last overcome their prejudices and actually picked The Best Leb In The Game at hooker for Stoush One v QLD.
What a turn up.
And about time.
Obviously, SC Sheens' public opinion on the matter has some clout.
Clearly, the selectors didn't want to stand accused by the Strayan coach of having "rocks in their heads".
If Farah is coached properly, as he was in the City v Country aka Probables v Possibles game, he'll do good.
If fact, if they base their initial platform on Robbie's dummy half work and kicking game, they'll go a long way.
And there's no doubt the bloke can learn a set play or two in a week and a half.
Never mind that Queensland, on paper, appear to be unbeatable.
If NSW don't believe they can win, then there's no point turning up.
We'll find out after the time honoured pie floater around at my place on Wednesday week.

WESTS TIGERS: Bye.

remind me, what's it like to lose at home?

Bleacherites,

After sneaking into the ground on a spare Member's ticket [nice one, Trev], found myself perched on the edge of my seat, hanging over the guardrail in front of the chairs reserved for cripples on the top deck of the Brewongle Stand at the denoument, with all ten nervous fingers firmly stuffed in my gob, watching as the pill flitted and skipped into the Swans forward line.
Odd Head was the loose man in front of an open goal square as the Adelaide defence struggled to get back.
All McVeigh needed to do was arrest the progress of the ball, pivot, drop it onto the boot, and kick the match winning six-pointer.
Only problem was, just when he got the thing in his hands, the full time siren sounded.
The clock was stopped at 30m59s.
Not a second less, not a second more.
Joisus.
Heads in hands as far as the eye could see.
Done in by the Official Time Keeper, after being robbed blind by the umpires.
Swans appeared to be constantly pinged for every technical infringement in the book, while the opposition were allowed to get away scot free with blatant holding the ball, dropping the ball, illegally disposing the ball, not to mention the incessant holding the man in the ruck contest and when the ball landed at full forward.
Another very tawdry display from the Bamfords.
But, hey, what do expect?
Apparently this round was the Be Kind to Umpires Round as the culmination of the AFL's Bamford's Appreciation Week.
According to the official account, the officials wanted some feedback from supporters on how they do their job, so we gave them some, don't you worry about that.
The appeal to not call officialdom by nasty names fell on deaf ears.
Purple patch over.
Sydney appeared to be all at sea in the opening term; no structure in the mid field, defence floundering, and certainly no attack.
The classic 'slow start' for which they have become rightly famous.
Got the mojo working in the second, poking the ball forward on every possible occasion while wrong footing the Crows defence, to get back on level terms more or less at the long break.
Relaxed and comfortable with that.
The half time smoking lounge is the same as it was last year, out on a closed off Driver Ave, and you need a passout to get there.
Until this innovation, it's was a long long time ago since passouts were issued at the SCG.
It's wrong that the politically correct rules and regulations say you can't take your drink out with you to sip while you have a smoke on the street.
Why?
But no one was arguing with the 6'3" 140kg Samoan bouncer at the gate.
There is though the compensation, that once the couple of thousand chuggers have been banished outside, they disperse over a quite wide out-door area completely unpoliced, so it's eminently possible to thoroughly enjoy a "funny cigarette" under the Port Jackson fig trees with complete impunity.
We weren't alone.
Swans won the Championship Quarter convincingly, as they needed to do to take the lead, but were then blindsided in the final stanza after the Crows had scored a couple of quick soft goals, when the Goodes Train - who up to that point was Best on Ground by the length of the street - did himself a mischief and immediately retired himself to the bench, put on his favourite dressing gown, and called for his dog to fetch his pipe & slippers, and spent the rest of the proceedings as a spectator.
The match was won and lost there and then.
[As it turns out, Goodesy will be out buggered for up to six weeks because of it. A fair blow to the season.]
A striking feature of play was that the Swans were outplayed in the air all night, out marked, pure and simple.
Not that the Crows are that much taller, they were just better at it on the day, and it gave them superior control of the ball.
If they had utilised it well, they could have won by a very wide margin, but they didn't.
Their Walker Kiddie also has the longest kick on him seen on the ground in many a year - set shot goals from 65 metres out are a snap for him.
Also, have you noticed - and you only really can if you are at the match - how the handball has evolved into more of a rugby league pass [with no offside rule involved], in recent times?
The ball is heaved with both hands in a curving motion and the fist at the finish of the movement has little or no impact on the flight of the ball, and is only there to keep up pretences.
Back the day, most of the so-called handballs in the modern game would've been called throws.
The Jetta Kiddie had a mighty game; can comprehensively out-run anyone in the caper, they are feeding him properly so he's bulked up with the necessary upper body strength, and after two years of practice, can kick straight.
He's going places, big time.
JP Kennedy hasn't played a bad game all year, and while Bolts and Rhino did some good things, the bulk of the side did just enough, but there were also a few passengers for the first time this year who shall remain nameless.
They know who they are.
Not a big fan of the 7.40pm start.
Call me a weak invalid if you like, but even after haggling for a cab at Central, didn't get home until after midnight, which is not so good when you are old, tired, and emotional, and if you are a Country Member, like me Trev mate, after getting down to the park'n'ride depot on Liverpool St and driving directly back to Newcastle on the freeway, don't expect to get in through your front door before 1.30am.
Too late.
By the end of the game, the sole [yes, that's it, the only] creakingly slow disabled lift in the entire Brewongle Stand had ground to an almost complete halt, with more than a hundred cripples in various states of affliction waiting in line to get on board the bastard thing for the ridiculous ride down.
They would've been there all night by the looks, so was forced to stumble down six flights of stairs to the concourse level and exit, using my walking stick to fend off various unhinged buffoons.
Then waited in line for about 40 minutes for the event bus to Central.
But that wasn't the worst of it by any means.
Oh, no siree.
The random bus I had the extreme misfortune to get on filled up with hideous Adelaide fans, most of them awful middle-aged women in full regalia who had clearly been deranged by the drink.
Despite my telling them several times to "oh look, just 'shoosh' up, will you?" they paid no attention to me whatsoever and, probably for the first time on a Government bus in Sydney, insisted on loudly singing the Crows club song all the way through Surry Hills.
Some dreadful doggerel about being "the pride of South Australia" or some such nonsense.
Remind me.
What's it like to lose at home?
It's just appalling.

SYDNEY: 1.2, 7.6, 12.7, 14.10 (94). Goals: Goodes 5, O'Keefe 3, Jack 2, Jetta 2, Kennedy, Bolton.
ADELAIDE: 5.2, 8.3, 11.6, 15.9 (99). Goals: Walker 5, Petrenko 3, Callinan 3, Jaensch 2, Tippett, McKernan.
At Sydney Cricket Ground.
Crowd: 23,969.

With the Tigers playing on the Gold Coast simultaneously as the Swans match, didn't see a frame of it, of course, not even on the newsreels.
But by the look of the scorebox, the Tigers have well and truly taken over the "Cardiac Kids" mantle from the Swans this year.
Three of their four wins this season have come by one-point margins, and they've also lost one by a bloody point!
Fancy that.
Had no spy at the ground up there, so the radio score updates were coming in on the crystal set surgically implanted in Trev's ear.
He reckons The Best Leb in the Game had a blinder by all reports.
Farah conjoured up a first half try out of thin air, made a charge down late in the game and attracted the penalty, with the resultant penalty goal leveling the scores at 14-14, and he then calmly slotted the field goal in a beautiful set-play inside the first couple of minutes of extra time for the win.
Well done.
But, of course, it will be situation normal next week, when Farah is overlooked by the NSW selectors.
For some completely unknown reason, ever since the late 80's and early 90's when Balmain supplied most of the NSW side, they have been shunned for representative honours, with hardly anyone playing in a black and gold strip getting a guernsey, not even in the '05 Miracle Year.
Unfathomable.
Inexplicable.
In his capacity as Captain, Farah didn't even turn up to the post match press conference, substituting Vice-Captain Benji instead, who said the skipper was heartily sick of all this talk about the Blues.
When pursued by the press into the car park being pestered about if he had anything to say at all, Robbie replied "Nah, mate".
At least the blowies got their quote.
And didn't Wests desperately need the win to go four and five?
SC Sheens would be more than happy to mark that one down in the "we'll take our wins" column in the Coach's Ledger, and take the week off.
Everyone will enjoy the traditional BBQ round at Robbie's place this week on the first bye weekend, when you get two premiership points in the dilly bag for doing nothing at all.
No doubt they'll ask the much loved [now retired due to cruel injury] Daniela Tuiaki to come on over and roast the whole pig - how they like it "islands' style".
He's reportedly very very good at it.
Goes well with beer, too.
Choice, eh bru?

GOLD COAST TITANS 14. Tries: Gordon, Mead. Goals: Sezer (3).
WESTS TIGERS 15. Tries: Ayshford, Farah. Goals: Marshall (3). Field Goals: Farah (1).
At Gold Coast Football Stadium.
Crowd: 14,254.

how bizzare, how bizzare

Fellow Perplexees,

If anyone, after all these years, knows the value of winning the Championship Quarter, it's the Goodes Train.
After being buttoned down tightly in the first half, Adam decided at the long break to throw off the shackles and show them what he is made of and then went on to have a second half blinder, that inspired the rest of the team, pure and simple.
It's remarkable at his age how he uses his skill and agility to pull through and beyond the half a yard or so he's lost over the years.
He can still tackle a bloke half his age and twice his size and grind him into the dust.
A bit slower than he used to be, but who can blame him, and boy, can run, can mark, can kick goals.
What more do you want?
The bloke could go on and on until they put him into a zimmer frame.
A masterful game plan, after Mr Ed re-jigged the field placings at half time to accomodate for it.
Like putting two tags on Buddy and The Roughead [who doesn't need a nick name].
Once that was done, the Swans ran riot in the mid-field and never looked like losing.
Surely it's time to recognise The Talking Horse as a first class Rules coach in his own right, with Horse finally stepping out of the long shadow cast by SC Roos.
It's very rare to keep the other side to 0.0 in the Champo.
Almost unheard of.
Can happen when the opposition is being hammered and have no posession of the ball at all and defence can look after itself, but, really, only once in a blue moon.
No doubt the stats guru will come up with the answer to when was the last time, but has so far been asleep at the wheel this week; must've overdosed on numbers and that absynth he drtinks.
Rick Shaw never featured once in the television coverage as his sole job on the day was to close down and sit on Cyril Rioli, which he did very effectively by all reports, even though those gazing at the crystal bucket never saw it.
Viewers were complaining about the dumb directors and how much was missed on the telly.
Don't get me started on the amount of advertising shown to pay for the thing!
It was only a matter of time until the flood gates opened in the Final Stanza and the Fat Lady sang.
The early, early season Purple Patch is now in the dilly bag.
The last five in a row from the off goes back 14 years?
And Goodes put the fruit on the sideboard with the goal to seal the match once and for all with about five minutes left.
Spectacular.
The Train was admitted to the Swans Pantheon a long time ago, after picking up not one, but two, Chas Brownlows; playing 300 came much later to get AFL Life Membership sewed up, and, like the bloke he beat for most games, the Great Mickey O, one of only a handful of footballers universally loved on field, despite being the Umpire's Pet, and off field for being a man of good integrity.
Never a bad word spoken of him.
Count myself well among his legion of adoring fans, standing back and admiring how he's managed a life lived grand, without any great fanfare, and certainly with no fuss.
They should chisel his head & shoulders into a block of Sydney sandstone and install the bust on a marble plinth overlooking the turnstiles at the Members Gate at the SCG.
The blackfella overseeing proceedings and having a good look at everyone who comes in.
That'd be a turn up for the books, but Basil Sellars might like it.
That way everyone would have to doff their caps and give The Train the nod, in perpetuity.


HAWTHORN: 5.3, 8.6, 8.6, 10.9 (69). Roughead 5, Hale 2, Lewis 2, Rioli.
SYDNEY: 2.2, 5.4, 9.7, 16.10 (106). Goodes 3, Kennedy 3, O'Keefe 2, Bird 2, Bolton 2, Hannebury, Jack, Jetta, McVeigh.
At York Park, Launceston.
Crowd: 19,217.



SC Sheens would have stalked around the rooms at the end of the match looking at people with those disturbing eyes of his, but not saying a word, and then would have left to walk across the carpark to his car for the drive home, with his mouth firmly zipped and the team snubbed by the Super Coach.
No ranting, no raving, no carrying on like a pork chop, which is what the players would have wanted - no, just silence - an ominous warning that they were in for a thrashing on the training paddock on Monday morning.
The press managed to catch up with SC Sheens just before he got into his car and he had only one thing to say on interview: "It was just rubbish".
How on earth did Balmain let in five, yes, that's right, you count 'em, five soft tries in the last 15 minutes of the game after leading 19-0 nil at half time and 31-0 nil soon after the resumption, and go on to win the match 31-30??
Unfathomable.
A couple of consolation tries to the opposition in the denoument would have been acceptable, but five?
No doubt the worst, most inexplicable, defensive lapse in many a year.
How bizzare, how bizzare.
Just lucky that The Great Benji subscribes to the SC Sheens mantra that field goals are "easier to get early than they are to get late", potting a pearler over the black dot on the stroke of half time, and also had the presence of mind to take an easy penalty goal in the first half to compensate for the earlier conversion he missed.
In hindsight it was as if he saw it coming, which of course, he didn't.
But still, Marshall has a very good football brain, and is thinking about the scoreboard all the time.
My spy at the ground telegraphed at the finish "you can never be too far in front, and it's never too early to boot a field goal".
The performance of Aaron Woods in the pack was noted by the purists.
Young fella who is only in the first grade team now on account of the long term injury to That Pom Ellis.
He's good.
Tough, and takes no prisoners.
Tackling work is impeccable, has a step and a run over about five to ten yards, and can be drilled into executing the crucial offload in the set play.
Will go places.
Man of the Match without question.
For a man of few words, SC Sheens called an extraordinary press conference mid-week last week to only say that if the NSW selectors didn't pick Robbie "The Best Leb In The Game" Farah at hooker for the first State of Origin match then they'd have "rocks in their heads".
You'd think that'd have some clout coming from the current Strayan Kangaroos coach.
The Super Coach is super loyal to his players and demands their loyalty in return.
They know who's boss, and they like it that way.
And they'll expect no mercy mid-week.
There was a very good crowd in for a team that's running stone motherless last, but then again, there was a fair bit of black & gold in the stands and let's face it, Tigers supporters are everywhere, and we do travel.
Went down to the Enfield produce store on Tuesday morning to pick up 20kg of chook feed.
A small swarthy bloke in there knows me as a Balmain supporter [he's one himself] and came up to said to me "jeez, mate, Tigers had a massive win on Sunday, eh?".
After some head shaking, he continued "but, two premiership points is two premiership points, and we'll take 'em".
Shrugged my shoulders.
Enough said.


PARRAMATTA EELS 30. Tries: C.Blair, Hayne, M.Ryan, Sio, Tonga. Goals: Burt (5).
WESTS TIGERS 31. Tries: Murdoch-Masila (2), Fulton, Lawrence, B.Ryan. Goals: Marshall (4), Moltzen (1). Field Goals: Marshall (1).
At Parramatta Stadium.
Crowd: 19,654.

Pup In Paradise

Canine Fanciers,

MJ Clarke obviously finds the Caribbean to his liking.
And who can blame him?
Nice weather, no shortage of coconut palm trees, sandy beaches, beautiful women everywhere, rum cocktails aplenty, and foot long scoobs personally hand rolled by the many direct decendants of Bob Marley.
Then there's the gumbo.
Capped off a marvelous tour with a Michelle Pfieffer in the 4th innings of the 3rd test to win the match single-handedly, not to mention a couple of very smart catches.
He would have had that far away look in his eyes as he surveyed Windsor Park on coming onto the ground on the last day thinking to himself "if no one else can do it, I'll bowl this mob out meself".
Looks like he has made a miracle recovery from his chronic case of Shagger's Back, chiming in with 23 overs, after he'd hardly bowled all tour, one or two overs here and there to get a change of end happening.
Nothing wrong with a batting captain fancying his own bowling when the conditions are just perfect for his left arm wobbly dibbly dobblers.
A shame, as with all Day Five's, there was no one there to see it.
The 188 tour aggregate won't hurt his test average that much, but the niggardly would say he could have converted one or maybe two more digs into sizeable scores.
However, big time credit is due for taking a massive punt on an inspirational sporting declaration at Kensington Oval, 45 runs behind, and backing his players to go on with the job, for a most unlikely victory.
Magnificent.
Gold Star.
What's not to like about any of the above?
Even though the vast majority of the Australian population would have been looking the other way, 2-0 sees Pup unbeaten as skipper in test series', which was certainly noted by those who still care about the long form, even though most were fast asleep at the time, like me, and didn't witness a single frame live.
Always a case of read all about it in the morning fishwraps, and have a look at the scorebox.
Is it too early for the general public to give the bloke the long overdue bloody respect he deserves for being the first class captain he's rapidly becoming?
Or is that too much to ask?
Can't fathom the attitude
Just don't know.
Perhaps it's because showing respect is beyond most people, as they are afflicted with the Tall Poppy Syndrome.
If Pup can get any longevity going despite his chronic injuries, could end up as one of the all-time greats in the Pantheon of Strayan Captains, for mine.
But, then again, would say that.

art v footy

Loyalists,

Eschewed the footy on Sundee arvo for a bit of your modern art.
Spent the day doing the MCA after its squillion dollar rebuild.
It's not really finished, but some nice work there, and the view from the roof top sculpture garden is possibly the best of all in Sydney Cove; Bridge and Hoos in interesting prospect to the left and front and central.
A billion bucks for that look.
Couldn't help thinking the people who used to work in the Martime Services Dept HQ, as it was back in the day, knew what they were looking at.
As is always the case with any art museum; some startling, surprising and spectacular efforts, surrounded by a lot of mediocre and a fair bit of utter rubbish.
Pretty much like a game of football, really.
And it seems to me that most artists, much like many footballers, have too much time on their hands during the week and then find themseleves short of their best.
The Youngest daughter deputised for me and was my spy at the ground after buying first class tickets twelve or so rows back from the fence adacent to the wing with a fine view of the centre bounce for $30 on the student concession.
She suggested "All Played Well" would have been a good entry in the "Best" line in the score box in the Monday morning fishwraps.
Pressed, she found it hard to single out BOG, but said the Child Parker would have gone close to the three Brownlow points, liked the efforts of The White Boy and Spida Jnr just for instance, and said Malceski kept putting his bearded chin out and Oddhead McVeigh was valuable in the scrimmage for the ball on the ground.
JP Kennedy, once again, got a mention.
Best of all, The Jetta Kiddie kicked three miraculous goals that all turned on a sixpence, by all acounts.
Mr Ed was well pleased, they say.
And, there were no passengers
And, no-one missed The Train.
If they did North in by seven goals, they would have really murdered them if Goodesy was playing.
There was some puzzlement about the 3.15pm start time.
What's the use of playing the first half in fading daylight and the second half at effectively at night under lights?
Can't see the point.
Maybe, as has been suggested, it gave the basket weavers from the Eastern Suburbs the time to have a good Sunday lunch with some bottles of Chardonnay before going to the ground.
It works well for the telly, but can't see any other reason for it.
The Swans know where their Members live, and they wouldn't go as far as Blacktown on their holidays.
The Stats Guru has come up with this one.
It's the first time in 14 years years since the Swans went four and zero at the start of a season, and in 1998 they finished 3rd at the end of the regular season.
Not a bad portent.
And lets face it, they are only one win away from a very early, early season purple patch.
And that in a rather tricky away game against Hawthorn in Launceston.
Tune up the banjo.

SYDNEY: 5.5, 9.7, 14.9, 17.11 (113). Goals: Everitt 3, McGlynn 3, Jetta 3, Bolton 2, Malceski, Kennedy, O'Keefe, White, Armstrong, Rohan.
NORTH MELBOURNE: 1.3, 6.7, 7.11, 10.17 (77). Goals: Macmillan 2, Thomas 2, Campbell 2, Wells, Cunnington, Harvey, Petrie.
At Sydney Cricket Ground.
Crowd: 21,049.

[Aside: Didn't see a frame of it, but the Pygmies reportedly improved somewhat on previous showings.
In the meantime, got to thinking, that as a point of difference and to appeal to a large sector of the district's population, the Pygs Marketing Dept should declare the club 100% halal.
Baby lambs to the ritual slaughter, week in, week out.
Tasty, tasy murder].

WESTS TIGERS: Respresentative weekend. No club games.

the train's ticket clipped

Match Winners,

Mr Ed would of course be well aware of the importance SC Roos used to attach to away wins.
It's as if they are twice the value of home wins, if not on the premiership table, then all in the mind.
The match was never in doubt.
Even though it was a close run thing throughout, the Swans weren't headed at any stage if memory serves me right, and the margin was nothing in the denoument for Sydney fans who don't want to remember how many times they reached for the heart pills last season as they watched the Cardiac Kids go round.
That'll do.
After singing the praises of the Reid Kiddie last week, he did virtually nothing this week, while the Child Parker had a blinder, second week back from a broken jaw.
Go figure?
Not what you'd call the model of consistency, but on the other hand, they don't appear to be carrying any real passengers.
Worrying that they were caned again in The Champo -- but encouraging that they survived, again - that's one thing they need to tidy up when they come up against the really good sides, or they'll be done like a dinner.
JP Kennedy was probably BOG for the 2nd week running, but Beer'Esky Malceski could have headed him.
Steady as she goes.
Interesting to see on the crystal bucket every second bank of seats in the pockets at Footy Park covered in huge advertising tarpaulins, on account of they never expect too many in for a Port game, given that Port supporters are considered to be pariahs, if not lepers, in polite Adelaide society.
Still, they did a lot better than the GWS Pygmies, who on a fine and sunny afternoon at the Blacktown International Sports Park [which in reality is nothing more than a glorified suburban oval in the armpit of Western Sydney - during the cricket season, in a Sri Lanka v NSW tour match there, play was briefly halted as the ground staff shooed a black snake off the playing arena] couldn't attract more than 6,867 paying punters through the turnstiles.
The Stats Guru says he can only remember one worse AFL crowd in Sydney.
Oh dear.
It was was in the dark days; 1994-R16 when Brisbane 135 beat Sydney 110 at the SCG.
The official crowd was posted at 5,728.
The Guru was at the ground that day and says even that figure was inflated.
It was a disaster for the caterers, and came at a time when top level AFL in the Emerald City almost disappeared up its own arse.
Everything could well have ended in tears, and it's a miracle the thing came back from the very brink.
Found myself in the kitchen preparing a cheeky Long Island Iced Tea when the Goodes Train slid into a tackle knees first and cleaned up some hapless Port player who was on the ground defenceless.
My spy at the ground pushed a cable through on the bush telegraph suggesting there was nothing malicious in it, but rules is rules, and the Bamford had no choice but to book the Umpire's Pet.
Goodesy tried his best, but couldn't beat the rap down at The Tribunal and was rubbed out for a week.
Had his ticket clipped.
He'll be happy enough to rest those ageing legs for a bit and then spend the rest of season accumulating entirely useless Brownlow votes.
No gong this year to cap off the illustrious career, but he can still have the cigar.
Nothing stopping him.

PORT ADELAIDE: 3.2, 5.6, 9.9, 12.11 (83). Goals: Stewart 3, Schulz 2, Ebert 2, Westhof 2, Surjan, Broadbent, Thomas.
SYDNEY: 5.2, 8.4, 10.6, 16.9 (105). Goals: Jetta 3, Bird 2, White 2, Goodes 2, O'Keefe 2, Bolton, McGlynn, McVeigh Reid, Mumford.
At Football Park, Adelaide.
Crowd: 19,032.


Let's face it, if you can't beat the Chocolate Soldiers then you should just take off your jockstrap, pack up your kitbag, and give the game away.
A clinical win.
Use the Traditional Softening Up Period in the first 20 minutes to good effect, put on a few tries in the back half of the first half, and then realising that you are not looking even remotely like being beaten, shut up shop and play very dour conservative football in the second half.
Pretty bloody boring to watch, to be frank, but premiership points is premierships points, and Lord Crikey they need a few.
At last, the set plays have started working - all the first half tries were from set plays - rugby league players must be rather thick if it takes them seven weeks before they learn the coach's instructions.
Pleasing to see the epitome of the journeyman, Ray Cashmere, play.
He's apparently on loan from the Illawarra Cutters, of all teams.
Since The Goatman last appeared on the Tigers' bench in 2005, Ray's played 50+ games for North Queensland even though he struggled to cut the mustard in first grade, worked in the Wollongong mines for a while, and then turned out for a few seasons in the English league with Salford, before returning at the start of the year to play for a couple of schooners and a cut lunch contract at the Cutters, before SC Sheens found he had no fit forwards to put on the bench, remembered Cashmere in his dreams one night, and got the Club Secretary to give him a call and ask him to play for half a dozen schooners and a roast pork roll with gravy.
The bloke is massive.
Looks about 6'3" and about 115kg to go with it.
A genuine dead-set Astronomical Unit.
And funnily enough, in the limited game time that he had, he can play...and even went so far as to score a try!
While the reserve depth is starting to look a bit thin its pleasing to see blokes like Junior Moors among others stepping up to cover injury.
Another journeyman, Joel Reddy, can play anywhere, while Aaron "Woodsy" Woods has the potential to turn himself into a complete running forward if he works hard.
The Stats Guru came up with a very curious one.
According to the records, ever since Balmain and Western Suburbs merged in 2000, the joint venture has never, not once, put a team out on the park who have kept the opposition scoreless.
Who can doubt him, but surely he's missed one or two??
From the soundtrack on the television telecast, it appears that there is a brass band in residence at Penrith's home ground.
A welcome move, and something that should be encouraged.
Imagine a brass band at every surburban ground that plays throughout the match, resting only for half time.
A good repetoire of marching music would add immeasurably to the atmosphere during dull games.
Most Balmain Boys would've been looking forward to having the week off over the upcoming representative weekend with no club football to be played.
Then the Monday morning team sheets came out.
Of course, Marshall and Blair would have been the first Brown Bros picked to play for New Zealand against Straya in the "Anzac Test Match" in Brisbane.
Then Larwrence, Farah, Woods, and Fulton all get picked in the City side to play Country in Mudgee of all places.
And Groat and Miller are selected to play for the NSW U20's against the QLD U20's.
All but one of those are regular first graders at the Tigers, so that's half the team going around in matches that really aren't of very much consequence.
The games probably don't even attract a match fee, with the players being told the step up to the representative level is a strictly amateur caper, and being picked for such honours is something you don't seek, but it gives you enough kudos that you are expected to play for free.
They'd been lucky if there was a luke-warm pie at full-time in it for them.

PENRITH PANTHERS 0.
WESTS TIGERS 30. Tries: Moltzen (2), Blair, Cashmere, Humble. Goals: Marshall (5).
At Penrith Football Stadium.
Crowd: 15,759.