an Aston Martin V8 Vantage

Wage earners,
On the eve of the Perth Test match and the only thing you’ve been able to read on the back of the fishwraps this past week is one MJ Clarke blithering on about a preponderance of six to twelve month old babies, money, wives, fiancés, girlfriends, bits-on-the-side, pay, pay, pay, never ending travel, outrageous scheduling, burn-out, unreasonable sponsors demands, and how the IPL is going to change the world as we know it forever, even to the point of sounding the death knell for CA contracts [heaven forbid].
Clearly the bloke has far too much time on his hands.
When pressed, the Rt. Hon.Vice-Captain dismissed out of hand suggestions that what he was really saying is that elite cricketers should be paid more for doing less…oh deary, no…
Of course every man is entitled to his opinion but as The Great Ian Healy remarked… “perception is better than the truth in many cases”
According to the Daily Terror [so it must be right] Pup made “$312,200 in match payments in the last calendar year” [that for less than 85 days in the office mind you, and of course doesn’t include his CA contract money and only the good lord joisus knows how much cash he pulls in through sponsorship deals, although the Deputy Commissioner of Taxation would dearly like to know, you’d imagine].
The Terror went on to comment “it was enough to cover the $300,000 he outlaid to deliver an Aston Martin V8 Vantage to his fiancé Lara Bingle”.
A couple of years back Pup’s minders suggested that he lose the Ferrari and get himself a vehicle, any vehicle, manufactured by his sponsor Ford.
He complied, but obviously that advice doesn’t extend to the bride-to-be, and in any case for a man in his position, it’s probably best to be driven about, rather than drive yourself.
There’s no arguing that the kiddie is in fine form; indeed what he’s been doing lately quite likely qualifies as a purple patch.
Didn’t pick up the man-of-the-series award against the sheepshaggers for nothing.
After finding some touch on the sub-continent, his streaky 98 in Brisbane after being called on to save the test match counts as one of his best test match innings, while his well made chanceless 110 in Adelaide just put the issue of a favourable result beyond doubt.
Always mindful of the match situation, as is only right for any wannabe skipper.
But, after being felled in the WACA nets by a sharp one that hit him under the heart, the Seth Efreakens on a treacherous pitch out West will be a different bottle of mussels altogether.

Dave Warner from The Suburbs

Spectators,

It’s not every day of the week that you wander into Hurstville Oval and by complete chance happen to witness one of the finest one-day hundreds that you would ever want to see.
The old ground is just as it was a few seasons back now, when me and the children attended our first ever Twenty20 game between two scratch NSW XI’s the week before Christmas because they had nothing else to do,
Now though, the eastern skyline is dominated by cranes and massive blocks of flats going up.
Went through the turnstiles at half time on Saturday afternoon, thinking Tasmania’s 246 off 45 overs after an early rain delay looked defendable, but wasn’t counting on the very small, perfectly circular nature of the oval, with the old velodrome running around the boundary.
It has fallen into a sad state of disrepair, and while some attempts have been made to repair the cracks, you wouldn’t want to race high-performance push bikes around there much anymore.
It seemed like they had rolled out a gorgeous batting track, and the first thing seen on entering the ground was David Warner punching a huge six off the back foot over cover, as if using a number three wood as the driver, that was still on the up as it cleared the perimeter fence, and would have dead set landed in someone’s front yard in Timothy Street.
They sent out a posse of children to look for the ball, but don’t know that they ever found it.
Dave “Suburban Boy” Warner is a solid, compact left hander, who appears to be made for the one-day game as an opening pinch hitter.
He’ll be a sensation in Twenty20,
Warner and Hughes put on 0/48 in the first five overs – which prompted a punter at the bar to remark to me “mate, look at this, this is going to be a carve up!”
How right he was.
Warner, in all, tonked nine sixes, including a corker from the northern end that sailed over the Ray Lindwall Sightscreen [Hurstville has a curious tradition of naming the sightscreens after famous local players – the Bill O’Reilly Sightscreen is at the other end] and landed on the pavilion roof and stayed there.
They sent some boy shimmying up a drain pipe to retrieve it.
Dave simply collared a fair half way decent bowling attack that featured the likes of Hilfenhaus & Dighton, among others, neck and crop.
In the over before bringing up his ton, he pulled three consecutive sixes over mid wicket off Marsh; all three clearing the bike track, and the picket fence.
And this from a 21 year old kiddie who only a couple of weeks ago on interview with some ratbag journo was quoted as saying something along the lines of “the likes of the Ricky Ponting’s of this world are finished. It’s time to let young blokes step up and have a go”.
As you can imagine, this raised some eyebrows in certain circles.
But it didn’t stop Dave, who ended up pummeling a chanceless 165 not out to win the game by nine wickets, with plenty of overs in hand.
When he got to his hundred, he had scored 80+ from boundaries.
He called for a runner on 145, when it appeared that he had cramped up so badly, that he had done himself a mischief.
There appeared to be a few hundred in, scattered around the ground, but for the first time in a long time, they actually published an official crowd figure, which was posted at 1,250.
Obviously, there was no pressure on the hospitality tents that had been nicely set up by the St George Cricket Club.
The Carlton Draught served off the tap that still had “the Official Beer of the Sydney 2000 Olympic Games” logo etched onto it was nice and icy, and completely sensible at $5 a schooner.
There was a rush when they announced that the steak sandwiches were going for half price after 5pm, and that you’d be a fool to yourself and a burden on the community if you didn’t get one.
Had my first close encounter with the elusive The Man and His Dog.
He’d found a choice spot underneath the pavilion balcony and had set himself up in a fold out directors chair.
He was impeccably dressed in a class pair of track pants and sandals, teamed with a stylishly ratty jumper, with no shirt on underneath, and topped with a green and gold Australian cap that looked like it had been rescued from a bin at some Strayan one day game in the 80’s.
His only accoutrements appeared to be a couple of Thermos’s and a pair of field glasses.
Perched on his lap was a very small fox terrier type dog; you know the sort thing, the kind of canine whose head is constantly on the move, with the eyes always darting all over the shop.
It was the epitome of a very nervous dog.
Obviously, The Man has trained His Dog to sweat over the outcome NSW Bluebags games.
Perfect.
Dave Warner beat Rick McCosker’s record one-day score for NSW by one run, with a four, to bring up the winning runs, just as a big thunderstorm was brewing out the back, and umpires Abood & Tucker were happy enough to scurry off the ground.
Asked on interview after the game what it was like, the kiddie was beside himself:
“I can’t believe what I’ve just done. It was surreal out there”.

wise men and fools

Ruminators,

There’s been a fair amount of hue & cry down at my local from wise men and fools about how Simon Katich was so cruelly robbed of the man-of-the-match award in the first test by Mitchell Johnson.
Lots of blithering about how on earth a good first class bowler, but not much more than that, could be rated as best-on-ground, on a pitch that bowlers would like to take around with them everywhere they go, bleating about how easily century’s scored the day before are forgotten, whining about how match winners don’t even get so much as a pat on the back, that sort of thing.
Well, forget all that.
The Motm Crystal Vase should have been placed firmly at the feet of MJ Clarke, for mine.
He was called upon to save a test match yet again, this time very early on in the piece, and answered the call in spades with his first innings 98 - doubtless one of best ever9 knocks - without which New Zealand would have taken the priceless first innings lead and probably gone on to win the match.
Not that it was in anyway an exhibition of craft and style, what with edges through the slips, leg glances gone wrong, balls over the top of short stop, miscued drives that could have easily gone to hand, streaky boundaries aplenty, and what look like half-chances all over the shop.
But he does love the Woolloongabba Ground.
You can disregard the lack of art and grace, there were still a couple of breathtaking shots and given how pale and gaunt the kiddie looked after battling the “mystery virus’ that he picked up on the sub continent; it said plenty about moral fortitude.
Knew exactly what was required from the perils of 3/23 and was prepared, like no one else, to dig deep at the crease for three minutes short of five hours.
In the final paralysis, it has to be rated at least on a par with The Kat carrying his bat, a bit further down the track.
While Pup expressed disappointment on interview after the knock at not reaching the triple figures on account of a complete brain snap brought about by obvious fatigue, that produced such an awfully lazy shot, to see him bowled through the gate, he was very mindful of the match situation, saying first up…
“if you told me at the start of the day that I would get 98, I would have been stoked”.
Not sure that his Captain fully appreciated the magnitude of the contribution, knowing that he had the attack to better the opposition, even though Straya appeared to be a bowler short, and only a couple of bats would have to turn up in the second innings and the featherbed they found themselves bowling on would turn out to be a bed of roses.
Note in passing Bing Lee’s 300th test wicket; a champion effort by anyone’s standards, and his recent apparent attempts to reinvent himself in his old age to try and prolong his career by spearing off the short run for much of the time.
At least, that way, he won’t be chucking his really quick one any more.
In the hose down after the game, you’d have to be left shaking yr head in disbelief, saying why oh why oh why?
Did Roy allow himself to be out on the drink in public, and end up going around clocking blokes.
The Great Siddle must be counting his lucky stars, now that he’ll probably get a run in Adelaide.

the baby baby Blues

Bleacherists,

Me and me mate Trev shambled into the Sydney Cricket Ground on Sunday morning fully expecting New South Wales to complete a regulation win against the hapless New Zealanders.
And so it came to pass.
But did it have to take all day?
Impressed by the 17 yo Josh Hazlewood kiddie, classical upright action, generates some good pace off a relatively short run, has a tip top yorker, and can do a nice inswinger now and then off the seam.
Was at the latrine when he clean bowled Vettori with one, but apparently the nut was an absolute pearler.
Was trying to think who he reminded me of, then thought, ah yes…a young DK Lillee.
The yearling has got a future.
A few of his school mates came into the ground about midday and proceeded to give him a right royal razz from the garden seats in front of the Ladies Stand, which must have embarrassed the poor child no end.
However they were well aware that he was playing first class cricket, and they weren’t!
When he wrapped up the NZ innings in the shadows of lunch to come in with a very creditable 2/23 there was polite applause all round, before his mates went off!
Took all morning to take the five wickets to get the Kiwi’s out, but it was only a matter of time.
19 yo Smiffy also bowled well and turned a few at right angles.
He used to have a most unusual run up that stalled and stuttered mid way through where he almost came to a stop before bowling the ball, but some coach has been onto him and straightened out his run up over the winter.
After lunch, a few crates of booze must have appeared at the back of the NSW dressing room courtesy of the visitors Members Bar tab, with a request to provide a bit of bowling practice for the rest of the day.
As it was, NSW were 2/15 after a full hours play after lunch, chasing 162 to win.
The lone barman in Monty’s Bar took a stake in the ground staff sweep on the time of the winning ball, but began to look nervous when he realized he had taken 4.37pm
New Zealand proceeded to bowl just full of a length on middle and leg and crowd the off side with field, thereby completely strangling most run scoring opportunities, a tactic that they may well employ in the test match, if they have the luck to win the toss and put on a few.
Apart from Vettori, the Kiwi attack looked fairly pop gun to me; the other 19 yo in the pack, Hughes, punched a couple of good shots, before holing out to point, and The Young Muzzie, Usman Khawaja, laboured manfully trying to run singles, but being thwarted by the field, with the Portuguese kiddie Moises “Joisus” Henriques holding up the other end.
There was some talk among stats gurus mid week that NSW had picked its youngest side ever on aggregate age, but it turned out it was the second youngest side ever, after some team NSW had fielded in the summer of 1918/19, when there were simply no adult men around.
NSW certainly looked like a bunch of kids in the field, in stark contrast to the grown men of the visitor’s side who came out field after lunch!
In the end, Smiffy and the wicketkeeper Dan “Fat Boy Slim” Smith combined to put on 83 for the sixth wicket to see out the famous victory just as the shadows began to lengthen ever the ground.
Vettori described the loss as “annoying”, but for the baby baby Blues, they must have been stoked to win a first class game.
Not that it does their Sheffield Shield hopes any good.
There was an extraordinary scene at the end of the match, when you’d expect to see tractors appear on the ground with the covers to lay out over the wicket block, but no, a lone groundsman came marching through the gate with a standard Victa lawnmower going at full pelt. He wheeled it out onto the ground and proceeded to mow the pitch up and down no less than three times, raising huge clouds of dust, in which the lawnmower operator was completely enveloped from time to time.
Never seen such an eerie thing in fading light.
The Man and His Dog were transfixed, as they still sat in the Bradman Stand.

wracked with disease

Between Seasoners,

On the Saturday of the third test match, happened to find myself in the Lord Howe Island Bowling Club for the traditional Saturday night fish fry.
You know the sort of thing; a chilled foaming frostier as you look out over Hairy’s greens, then a bottle of crisp Chablis to follow, as you chow down on great chunks of Lord Howe Island “Greenback” Kingfish in tempura batter deep fried in rice bran oil, with a wedge of juicy lemon and salt, and a token salad.
You know it makes sense.
Good with chips.
As we walked in, couldn’t help but notice that the cricket was playing on the lone television screen in the joint.
As we dined, remarked to The Good Lady Wife, “we’ll look at that, will you, it looks as if my bloke is well on his way to a ton!”
and sure enough, MJ Clarke made it to triple figures to save the game, shutting the gate long after the horse had bolted clean across the plains of Rajasthan after the Debacle at Mohali.
The Chairman and the panel of Selectors have the most to answer for for mine for sending away the wrong team, and then continued with muddle headed decisions to try to justify their original ridiculousness, only to see it all fall in a screaming heap.
When Pup was on 97 the barmaid started fiddling with the remote control to try to tune in the Bledisloe Cup match from Hong Kong from across the Tasman, on account of there were a few rugby people in the club.
The Lord Howe Island Woodhens have provided just the one Wallaby – in the shape of Skeggsy.
Persuaded her to change it back just for a minute or two, and lo, the cover drive and the kissing of the helmet.
Now we can go to pigs rooting in mud, union style, love.
One of the very few highlights of the past few weeks of grisly test cricket, save the Krejza kiddie’s incredible fluke ten fa on debut!
Like scoring a double ton, and then finding yourself never picked again!
No surprise here that Cap’n’ Cockhead decided to save his own bacon in the last.
Why wouldn’t you?
No use being hoisted on your own petard, is there?
If you were The Captain of Australia, you certainly wouldn’t want to surrender the title to the likes of Clarke in a hurry, even if it was for only one match, and even if you knew Pup would do a perfectly good job scattering the chooks at the Gabba, for no good reason at all, would you?
Never mind that it’s further evidence at the disposal of the Royal Commissioner.
Never mind that the Vice Captain came back from India wracked with disease, after feigning general unwellness to get a runner on the last day of the final dénouement.
Never mind that Ponting knows well within himself that he’s now an old man in the game, who has always suffered mightily from niggling injuries.
...and so to the Wooloongabba Ground...
A little birdie is singing that there might not be room for a regulation spinner in Brisbane.
Sorry Jase. Sorry Cam.
All seam attack; play two quicks, a seamer, Roy can bowl anything you want, play Fig Jam too if you like, both handy with the bat as well, with Pup’s very odd left arm dibbly dobblers as a last resort.
Why not?
Cricket Australia sent Symonds a brand new tackle box full of barramundi lures, with a note of apology attached, personally signed by James Sutherland with a “welcome back!” PS, but he wasn’t happy, demanding “where’s me new rods?”

Bless.

Dragging the dead horse over some hot coals

Fellow Aghastees,

No doubt the Royal Commissioner will arrive in Delhi to conduct The Inquiry into the Debacle at Mohali before the touring party does.
Perhaps he should begin by dragging the dead horse over some hot coals to see if any life can be sparked into it.
The Captain, of course, should be the first called to the witness box, and compelled to answer the close questioning of Counsel Assisting.
Followed by every player, including those who didn’t make the XI, followed by tour management and selectors, who of course will be made to answer for their ineptitude.
Everything Punter did on field could be called into question, and Counsel could well start with his decision to put Bing Lee’s nose out of joint by not bowling him in the opening session of day four, just as an example.
MJ Clarke would be one of the few to come out of it relatively unscathed; just as he was in danger of becoming the getting out to the last ball of the day specialist, he fights an honest second innings rearguard action in a hopelessly lost cause for what turned out to be a well made 69, although his left arm dibbly dobblers proved utterly ineffectual [8 overs for the match, 0/34]
The transcript of proceedings will make interesting reading.
As always, the bulk of the blame can, and should be, sheeted home to the Captain, and the inquiry could well find fault with the batmen’s complete failure to come to terms with Indian conditions and Indian blokes who have had those sort of decks for breakfast every day of their lives.
Next will come the selectors for sending away the worst Australian bowling attack in at least a decade.
Pop gun doesn’t even come close as a description.
The fitness of the CA Board should also come under scrutiny for sanctioning the whole shooting match.
The recommendations would no doubt start with putting The Skipper on notice that two more sub-standard, nay poor, displays of leadership could invite the prospect of being relieved of command.
The Commissioner could also recommend wholesale sweeping changes, e.g. Hayden out/Jaques in, White out/Krezja in, Siddle out/Clark [subject to fitness] otherwise Bollinger in, Watson out/Symonds [recalled] in.
Probably wouldn’t make a great deal of difference, but seven days should be plenty long enough to come up with a suitable set of recriminations.

If he didn't say it, who did?

Gibberers,

MJ Clarke, on current form, may be more useful as a bowler rather than a bat, early in the tour!
Fancies himself on Indian decks, and who would after his famous six fa nxt to nothing last time around?
Was fairly economical when Harbhajan “Serial Pest” Singh was giving the bowling a right pasting.
And the nut he got the Dohni kiddie with was a pearler
In the meantime, as the first test looks like meandering to a draw, some fascinating stuff here from Ging Gang Gooly Gooly Gooly Gooly.
Some choice quotes anyone would be proud to own.
But if he didn’t say it, who did?
It would have taken a more creative than usual journalist to make it up.
And the line “hopefully also in the future” just adds to the mystery:

Crik: Ganguly denies tirade against teammates
Cricket India Ganguly
BANGALORE, India, Oct 11 AAP - Indian batsman Sourav Ganguly today denied giving an interview in which he gave his teammates a spray.
In a report published by a Bengali daily, Ajkal, Ganguly was quoted as saying that his omission from the Rest of India team to
contest the Irani Trophy last month was the final straw, but also stated that he was sick of being "humiliated" while lesser players
were given opportunities.
"If there is a gun to your head all the time, how long can you bear this? After all, I have played 400 matches for India. I have
played badly in only one series. Yet every Tom, Dick and Harry is playing in the team," Ganguly was reported to have said.
"There are players who haven't scored in the last three series for India, even for the last one year.
"There are some who have changed their hairstyle more than they have scored for India."
However Ganguly issued a strenuous denial of the comments.
"Reports of an interview in a Bengali daily, published in various newspapers, are false," he said in a statement.
"I have not given an interview of that sort to anyone and hopefully also in the future.
"I will request to you to clarify with me before publishing quotes from other sources."
AAP dfb/tdw