a Pup, blind Bamfords, cheatin' Poms, and a Cancer

Fellow disappointees,

Everyone knows that MJ Clarke is a dreadful fidgeter at the crease, but some close up camera work from the Trent Bridge test match shows him up to have an even worse obsession with preening himself in the field as he gets older.
Spends his whole time in the slips, when the ball isn't in play, constantly rearraging himself; the hat, the sunnies, the shirt collar, the buttons and sleeves are endlessly adjusted as if you say "now, do, I look a million dollars, or what?"
Scratching his upper lip where his moustache would be if he had one when he's thinking hard about the state of the game is an interesting new affectation.
Hardly anything to fault in his captaincy, apart from a self-admitted dumb use of the dreaded DRS, especially trying to save his own bacon from being given out caught behind in the second innings.
Surely any batsman would know if he's tickled it through to the keeper; just ask that miserable turd Broad, he'll tell you.
In contrast, Pup's contribution with the bat was poor, by any estimation.
A finely-crafted six-ball duck before being bowled neck and crop in the first innings, and then failed to go on after a slow 23 in the second, just at the moment when a Captain's knock was required
For mine, his chronic dose of Shagger's Back restricts his footwork, so quite a lot of the time he finds himself neither back nor forward to the ball, and that's when yr asking for trouble.
Having judiciously sacked himself as a selector, Pup would've have no say in the inspired selection of the Agar Kiddie, who turned out to be a top bet for all the most unexpected reasons.
A Boof masterstroke, no doubt about it.
But surely 19 is far too young to be nominated as this week's National Hero for falling two runs short of a ton on debut at No.11.
Don't get me wrong, a top knock, without doubt - the kid can bat - and no-one has done it before in the history of the caper, but in the match situation consider it in the cold light of day.
The Childe Ashton made 112 for the match, and got carted for 2/106.
He was a busy man, to be sure, but it wasn't enough to win the match, and he has a lot to learn of course, especially when he's got a Pakistani reffo with the same act as him who they passed a special Act of Parliament for, to give him a saloon passage through to Citizenship to fast track him onto the tour, breathing down his neck.
A 1-0 lead in the five test series is absolutely priceless, especially as the Evil Englanders don't even have to win the series to retain the Ridiculous Little Urn.
No surprise that it emerged mid-week that JM Arthur reckons MJ Clarke called SR Watson "a cancer on the team".
Choice, well-chosen words, those.
At long last, FIGJAM has been found out for what he really is.
Clarkey might as well have added "you know the sort, the kind of slow-growing cancer that creeps up behind you when you are not looking, and then stabs you in the back without warning.".
After the utter utter nonsense that went on in India, Watson should've been sacked, punted, and drop-kicked out the back door without so much as a sausage.
Can't be the only one who lives for the day when the rank no-talent show pony is banished to the back paddock, never to be seen nor heard of again.
Never mind the hype surrounding Agar's heroics, and the gushing pumping up of the "brave effort" to bring the match to a cliffhanger, you have to wonder if the Strayans actually realise that they have been beaten by the Poms, that's right, beaten by the Poms.
Nothing worse in all of world sport.
Well...at least we can be consoled by the fact that Straya was, in the end, robbed blind by blind Bamford's and cheatin' Poms.

Boys v Men Mk II

Self-Flaggelators,

So, the Pygmies find themselves on the receiving end of a Masterclass, aka a 19-goal football lesson.
Suppose that's what you get when you ask a rabble of boys to play a team of tough-nutted fully-grown men.
Said ir before, say it again, there should be a law against it.
What does surprise tho', especially with The Great Sheeds running the show, is that the Pygs have failed to go on from their debut year, and have shown little or no improvement in their second year, and might have even gone backwards if the state of the Premiership ladder is anything to go by.
The Swans only won the West by five goals in the season pipe-opener.
Unlike the Suns, who got ahead little by little in year two, and are now a half-way competitive side in their third season (mind you they do have Son of God - who was recently touted as being even better than God - on their list).
The Pygmies roster needs a serious shake up, and there's talk they will trade the No.1 draft pick for a decent seasoned player to lead their backline, delist the no-hopers, and of course they are well cashed up and are prepared to pay millions for Buddy.
For the Swans, apart from percentage, there was nothing to be gained by it, and certainly nothing to be learnt.
Sydney have had tougher training runs than that.
Everyone just went about doing what they were expected to do, nothing more, nothing less, except Tippet.
Tipsy was worried out of taking marks by small children and mere slips-o'-things half his size who could do nothing more than tug on the man mountain's short pants.
Of the grabs he did take, he sprayed the kicks for goal far and wide to both sides of the big sticks.
Radar not working.
Obviously his contract would have a "must kick goals' clause in it, and he can point to three goals being a fair winning margin under normal circumstances, but in a 24 goal total, he should've scored a poultice off his own boot.
Can do better.
Perhaps the dire warnings from the Colonies that Tippet only plays one good game in five may come to pass.
Ironic to note that the player Adelaide wanted to trade him for - Jesse White - had a much better game than Tipsy, and Jesse was the substitute off the bench!
Birdy might have got one Brownlow vote to mark his 100th game.
The Canary would be among the most surprised that he's actually played a hundred games.
The sort of player who you never really notice; just gets the work done with the minimum of fuss or fanfare.
Should be more of them, as there's enough show ponies in the caper as it is.
The Swans were missing no less than nine players who appeared in last year's Grand Final, as they were injured, or pretending to be injured, so they could be "rested".
SC Horse, you'd imagine, would be spending a lot of time visiting Sick Bay to check on their progress, especially with The Great Goodes Train unlikely to be back on the paddock much before the finals.
The boss must be sick of the sight of surgical scars, crutches, bandages, tourniquets, and high-performance hypodermic needles.
It's all part and parcel of the modern game, apparently.

SYDNEY: 3.8, 10.10, 15.19, 24.27 (171). Goals: White 3, Tippett 3, Pyke 3, Mitchell 3, McGlynn 2, Bird 2, Kennedy 2, Rampe, Bolton, Parker, Malceski, O’Keefe, Mumford.
GREATER WESTERN SYDNEY: 1.3, 3.7, 3.9, 5.12 (42). Goals: Cameron 3, D.Smith, Darley.
At Sydney Cricket Ground.
Crowd: 21,757.

So, The Great Benji Marshall wants to walk out on Balmain, asking to be released from the last two years of his contract after reportedly knocking back a $1.5M contract extention and upgrade, to go and play rugby union back in his motherland, where money is no object.
It could just be an ambit claim to try to squeeze more filthy lucre out of Leichhardt, or maybe he really is looking for a very fat retirement pension on the union fields of the Land of The Long White Cloud.
Who knows?
Most loyal Tigers fans would be saying "Bugger you, son. A contract is a contract is a contract - see you in court".
The only problem is Benj apparently has a complicated get-out clause in his current contract related to future salary cap increases, that leaves the door ajar.
However, do find myself tending to subscribe to the minority school of thought - i.e. that Marshall's getting on, his best playing days are behind him, he'll be even more injury prone as he gets older, he doesn't like the new coach much; so, thank him for his loyal service, let him go, and use the not inconsiderable pile of cash to rebuild the club from the ground up, without him.
But that's a dead-set heresy among most of the faithful.
With this season well gorn, it will take a few years.
Generational change is not only possible, but inevitable, so why not start now, before it's too late?
Stark pragmatism would tell you that's the only way that they'll come close to jagging another Premiership within the next decade or so.
You know it makes sense.

WESTS TIGERS: State-of-Origin bye.

"The Mousetrap"

Trick Cyclists,

Todd Carney is a thoroughly detestable human being.
Well known for being involved in high speed police chases, drink driving convictions [x3], urinating on a bloke after he'd knocked him to the ground, setting another bloke's pants on fire causing serious injuries to groin and scrotum, a criminal damage conviction for smashing up a car and a shop front etc etc...and that's just what's come before the courts.
Reportedly has a poor attitude towards women, no sense of humour, and not an empathetic bone in his body.
Perhaps that's why he survived falling off a two storey balcony while as the parrot.
A dead-set psychopath, who has been moved on by not one, but two clubs, for being a fool to himself and a burden on the community.
Just so happens the buffoon is playing the best football of his career at the minute.
So it's very hard to stomach when the turd single-handedly destroys the Tigers in the first half.
Carney had a hand or a foot in every Cronulla try, and he is one of the best goal kickers in the caper, damn it.
Add to that the fact that half the Sharks team is made up of players who have been discarded by the TIgers.
That also sticks in the craw.
Take Chris Heighington - a perfectly serviceable tradesman-like forward who will take the ball up for you week in week out; Beau Ryan - a very handy winger/centre three-quarter on his day; Bryce Gibbs - with a full head of hair!
All let go by the Tigers in tawdry circumstances, and all ended up at Cronulla.
When Gibbs was playing for Balmain he always played with a fully bald head, not a hair on his bonce, and has been playing like that also down in The Shire - until this week - when he elicited much comment by suddenly appearing with a perfectly coiffed bouffant.
There was widespread speculation that he had purchased a tackle-proof toupee, you know the ones; you can dive off the 10m platform without dislodging them.
People have been wondering what's come over the bloke.
And then there's Andrew Fifita, who the Tigers put a lot of time, effort and money into, only to come to the conclusion that he would never really be the goods and wasn't worth continuing with.
So what happens?
They traded him to Cronulla for next to nothing, he goes to his new club, gets a new coach, and in the space of little more than a year is showing all the hallmarks of being a future superstar, and gets picked for New South Wales in all three of the State of Origin games.
Joisus.
Bad mistake.
Balmain Football Dept incompetance and mismanagement at its worst.
Little wonder the Club Secretary was asked to take the walk out the back door mid-season
At one point during the grim first half narrative, Adam Blair performed "The Mousetrap".
A highly unusual backline play usually made under pressure, when the ball in played backwards through the players legs tunnel-ball-style, to the receiver who puts it on the toe, and hopes for the best in bamboozling the opposition backs.
Thought to myself "jeez, haven't seen The Mousetrap in a while", and the television commentators concurred, saying "you'd have to go back to the glory days of Canberra in the early 90's for the last time it was seen regularly".
The problem with The Mousetrap is there is no hard evidence that it has ever actually worked, hence its general discontinuation, but hey, it looks good.
As Coach Harry was pulling great tufts of hair from his scone with Balmain down 0-26 at half time, the Good Lady Wife, being the good Catholic that she is, started praying to Mary Mackillop on account of as sure as hell the Tigers needed a miracle to get out of this one, and she's delivered the goods on more than one occasion.
And By Crikey! Good Lordy!
Saint Mary almost pulled it off.
A sterling second half come back just wasn't quite enough to get the result, but with three un-answered tries to Balmain early in the second half, the impossible suddenly became possible, only to be held in check in a disappointing denoument.
Rumour has it that after the game, Coach Harry got the chalk out and wrote on the dressing room blackboard: "MUST SCORE POINTS IN EVERY HALF IN EVERY GAME".
And then handed out sheets of ruled paper and pencils, and ordered the players to write it out x 100 times.

CRONULLA-SUTHERLAND SHARKS 36. Tries: Fifita (2), Bukuya, Graham, Lewis, Stapleton. Goals: Carney (6).
WESTS TIGERS 22. Tries: Simona (2), Tedesco, Thompson. Goals: Marshall (3).
At Shark Park.
Crowd: 13,843.

Just like the up coming Federal election, the result of this contest was well known and widely telegraphed before the shooting match even began.
With a crowd of 86K+ in on the Friday night, the caterers wouldn't have been very taxed for an unpopular Saturday afternoon game.
Just leave the left over pies in the pie warmers overnight, so they are thermo-nuclear by the opening bounce.
Never mind that Sydney didn't really turn up to play, and had one of their worst games of the season against a team of strugglers, who had their best game of the year.
Getting beat by five goals to three in the last quarter was something Mr Longmire would have been distinctly unhappy about, given that he adheres to the adage that it's not over until the Fat Lady sings, and while she had a few warbles going at three quarter time, it was by no means a full blown aria.
The Jack story continues to be one for the ages, with the younger bro Brandon being subbed on in the first quarter due to an injury to the most unfortunate Sam Reid, and went about having a blinder, kicking not only his first goal in senior football, but four!
More than the elder Keiran has ever done; his best is three goals in a game.
Not bad for a very young looking 19 year old just starting to make his way among the big boys.
There's Football Dept management at its finest.
Still, the critics from the Colonies were delighted that Tipsy spent the whole afternoon dropping marks.
Turned over more ball than you'd believe.
Sure, Kurt kicked two wobbly goals, but he sprayed the rest of his kicks at the sticks far and wide, and really should have booted 10 against that rabble.
At least Malceski kept his mouth shut this week, given that he wasn't particularly outraged by anything, and just concentrated on playing well.
Complacency will be the Swans Enemy No.1 over the next little while.
If you, like me, had been offered free tickets to the Pygmies game at the SCG for the Sunday matinee this weekend by no less than three people so far this week, you'd also be saying no, no, no.
No doubt Coach Horse would be reminding them that there are three teams ahead of them on the ladder, and they are all damned good.
And guess what, you'll have to more or less beat them all, not once, but twice, to go top.
So, time to sharpen up the day, before anyone else gives it much thought.
Wandered into the Front Bar at The Local on Monday morning and found The Philosopher in his usual corner sipping on this week's favoured tipple - a Long Island Iced Tea.
He casually acknowledged me, so asked him but one question.
"What's the weather like in The Bahama's at this time of year, Prof?"
"Nice, mate, nice" and left it at that.

MELBOURNE: 3.1, 5.2, 8.5, 13.7 (85). Goals: Fitzpatrick 3, Dawes 2, Howe 2, Watts 2, Davey, Nicholson, Trengove, Jones
SYDNEY: 5.3, 9.13, 13.18, 16.20 (116). Goals: B.Jack 4, Bird 2, Tippett 2, Everitt, Lamb, McVeigh, K.Jack, Parker, Pyke, O'Keefe, Mitchell.
At Melbourne Cricket Ground.
Crowd: 26,216.

talked himself out of the Brownlow

Mudlarks,

After seven straight days of solid rain in the Emerald City amounting to the best part of ten inches in the gauge at Obsevatory Hill, and the track at the SCG was its boggiest in years.
It's not a place where you would normally expect to see casual water lying around, given that it's built on a bed of Clovelly sand, but under the circumstances you'd think there was nothing more the groundsmen could do about it.
The uncovered cheap seats looked like a damned miserable place to be.
Good thing they put most of the travelling away supporters in there.
Welcome to the Gold Standard Deluxe SCG Experience, folks.
So, with the pill as slippery as a cake of Pear's soap and the footing far from sure, the match was always going to be a lark and a lottery.
Even more so with news that the Goodes Train will be putting his feet up for six weeks with a knee that requires minor surgery and the fact that eight players who appeared in last year's Grand Final were not playing.
Good thing the Swans have some depth in the players roster; with the late inclusion of the Great Teddy's younger brother Xavier Richards on debut being a case in point.
But the state of Sick Bay is now really starting to be a bit of a worry.
With the weather pissing down throughout, and no breeze to speak of, SC Horse had no option but to instruct his players to kick long, say the Hail Mary, and hope.
Apart from endless scrimmaging and stacks-on-the-mill, there was little more that they could do, except for Tippett.
Of course, Tipsy - as if to put it right up the critics from The Colonies who were last week rudely disparaging of his debut game for Sydney - had a blinder.
His pearler after he scooped the sodden ball off his toes as if he was playing on a bone dry ground and booting a 50m goal, Mr Curly-style, was classic wet weather football.
But perhaps the most crucial point in the match, for the second week in a row, was Malceski - who talked himself out of the Brownlow, again - by having a right ding-dong barney with the Bamfords after being pinged for a deliberate rushed behind.
No votes for you today, son.
In those conditions for an offence that's gone unpenalised hundreds of times this season?
What the?
Malceski does a good apoplectic face consumed with rage; the fierce, angry beard only adds to the effect.
It really has to be the silliest rule among the more the a hunded, for mine.
Inexplicable and impossible to interpret.
The Umpires really need to carry a divining rod to work it out.
What was Nick meant to do?
There he was, with the ball in his hands, brought to a near standstill in the box with his back to the Carlton goal, just waiting for the tackler to try to tackle him, and when he did, Nick took three steps backwards, and just stepped over the line that he was stoutly defending, probably unaware of where the white line actually was - never mind that it had been rubbed out in the mud, and wasn't even there.
Carlton would have gone to half time without a goal to their name without that dead set gift from the Bamfords; little wonder the television commentators called the Umpires' decision "The Howler of The Year"
And who the hell is John Bootsma, anyway?
Lord, help us,
With a saloon passage coming up with Melbourne (a), GWS (h), West Coast (a), Richmond (h) and Western Bulldogs (a), the defending Premiers should be firmly ensconced in the top four coming into the pointy end of the season.
"Well placed", as they say in the classics.

SYDNEY: 4.6, 5.9, 6.11, 8.17 (65). Goals: McGlynn 2, Tippett 2, Bolton, Parker, Pyke, Mitchell.
CARLTON: 0.3 1.5 4.10 5.13 (43). Goals: Gibbs, Armfield, Bootsma, Lucas, Tuohy.
At Sydney Cricket Ground.
Crowd: 25,349.

One of the better miraculous wins at Leichhardt Oval in recent years completely passed me by.
Have not seen a single frame.
Found myself attending to The Youngest's 21st Birthday Party, catering for 50, that sort of thing, you know.
No time for football.
And in any case, Melbourne were well favoured to win given that at full strength you'd expect them to be in this year's Grand Final the way they are placed.
But my spies at the ground suggested that with so many players out, or backing up from the Wednesday game, State of Origin II, they didn't appear to be that much interested in playing on Saturday night on a seriously bog track at an obscure suburban ground in Sydney.
And the third-string Balmain team looks like they've found some mojo among themselves and aren't playing a bad brand of football.
The Sunday fishwarps were all abuzz about what they described as the "try of the year" scored by the Tigers.
The story goes that Simona diffused a grubber kick into his own in-goal, then scooped up the ball one-handed and beat three Melbourne tackles over the course of 20m, with Marshall following on his inside, who took the ball and passed to Farah who put in through a few sets of hands as Benji quitely slipped out around the back of the play to re-insert himself, and then delivering a short flick pass to Ayshford who was on the burst down the right centre three quarter, who was tackled by the Storm full back 5m short of the try-line, but momentum and the slippery surface carried him over into the in-goal in a spectacular slide as mud, grass and water sprayed over everyone trailing in his wake.
Magnificent.
A genuine length of field try is not seen that often, let alone in atrocious conditions.
The massive crowd of faithful standing on the hill at Leichhardt would have gone absolutely apeshit over that, and joined in the spirit of things by getting themselves soaked in mud and filth up to their waists as they jumped for joy.
Coach Harry must be scratching his head wondering what on earth he is doing right with a team of virtual unkowns, led by two superstars.
Whatever it is, keep up the good work son.

WESTS TIGERS 22. Tries: Ayshford, Marshall, Nofoaluma, Simona. Goals: Marshall (3).
MELBOURNE STORM 4. Tries: Blair.
At Leichhardt Oval.
Crowd: 5,288.

a dressing gown, fluffy slippers, and a granny rug

Barrackers,

Jeffery Smart - the well known Australian artist who shuffled off the mortal coil this week at age 91 - was remarkably precient in an interview he did ten years ago which was featured on the radio news to mark his passing.
He was asked why he had lived in Italy for so many years, not bothering to return.
He replied "Oh, I much prefer Tuscany. You have to remember, I come from Adelaide, and that's no laughing matter, and it's not funny."
So, when you are asked to go to Adelaide twice in the space of three weeks, who could blame you for never wanting to go back?
Perhaps the highlight of the game was the sight of Malceski, with the massively impressive, angry, feirce bushranger beard arguing with the Bamford, giving him a heap of lip, while the umpire just kept telling him there was no point in it on account of he had the whistle and was the one in charge of interpreting the more than 100 rules in a game, that to a casual bystander, appears to have no rules at all.
Full marks for trying to change officialdom's mind, Nick.
Swans fielded what looked to be an unbalanced side, for mine, with a couple of injuries and bringing in youngsters, and Tippett's debut game, well.
Of course, Tipsy kicked a goal in the first minute according to the script, and then did nothing for the rest of the day.
The Good Lady Wife remarked during the Champo, where the game was undoubtedly lost, "Is that bloke Tipsy actually playing?"
Went walk about and was that missing in action just when he was needed.
My spy at the Crows has been telling me for months that Sydney have bought a pup.
He describes Tippett as "flaky" who has "one good game in five" and is "high maintenance" and "one of those players who has all the talent in the world and could become one of the all time greats, but the lack of committment will see him not being able to quite pull it off, on account of the fact that he's essentially lazy, and has that attitude problem that tells him "I'm Number One, so why try harder?", and will then spend the rest of his born days as a card-carrying disappointment."
"That's why we let him go!", my spy cries.
Obviously persona non grata in town, with most of the Adelaide management suspended also until this week, on account of him.
And there were enough twisted Crows fans who actually deigned to go to a Port game for the sole purpose of jeering Tipsyy from the bleachers.
At least with all the salary cap nonsense, the Swans got him for next to nothing - didn't need to trade Jesse White and a couple of draft picks for him - and the jester is on far less money than he tried to rort out of Brisbane.
Alright then, we will see.
The proof in the Tippett pudding will come around about the first week of September.
Port even surprised themselves going by what their skipper said on interview after the game "we never expected to beat a seriously quality side like Sydney"
But boy, can they tackle.
They put some huge hits on Swans players that they'd specifically targeted, so they'd be so sore it would be a major league struggle just to get out of bed on Sunday morning.
Power has to be the best tackling team seen in the comp this year, along with an excellent backline.
Little wonder they beat Sydney at their own game.
The sight of the Great Goodes Train subbed off with a proppy leg at three quarter time, and put on the back bench with the help of a few trainers, where he reclined as if on a chaise lounge, wrapped up in a fully branded Swans dressing gown with red fluffy slippers, and a large red & white granny rug over his knees, with that look of bewilderment on his face that only Goodesy can do, summed up the afternoon perfectly.
It was as if he was saying to himself "I'm cold, I'm hurt, and I can't believe what I'm seeing".
Yep, that's about it

PORT ADELAIDE: 1.2, 3.5, 5.6, 10.12 (72). Goals: Wingard 3, Monfries 2, Broadbent, Neade, Schulz, Gray, Westhoff.
SYDNEY: 4.1, 5.2, 6.4, 8.6 (54). Goals: Tippett 2, Goodes 2, K.Jack 2, Mitchell, Morton.
At Football Park, Adelaide.
Crowd: 16,096.

The miserable ground attendance [probably the lowest for any league game in any match between any teams this season] only goes to show that the Western Suburbs die-hards have followed their former board members out the door, lost belief and faith, and now have no interest.
Such a shame.
But, in the final paralysis, it's hard to be sympathetic, and really, more fool them
Love to know what the blokes from ZZ Top in their magnificent waist-long beards wearing the 1970's vintage Magpies kit who were regulars, and even travelled as far as Leichhardt, think of the whole shabby affair.
You'd be thinking they'd be unimpressed at the very least.
Even though the city and the inner suburbs were being hammered by howling winds and flooding rains, not a drop had fallen at Campbelltown Sports Ground, which gives you a fair idea of just how far away it is from anywhere.
With the Tigers gorn, the crumbling "stadium" will be a derelict ruin with a couple of years, then demolished and covered in blocks of flats, no doubt.
There's certainly nothing of any heritage value out there.
Benji's very clever field goal sealed the deal with eight minutes to go - caught the Canberra ruck conmpletely by surprise.
As SC Sheens always used to say "it's better to get a field goal early than late, you don't want to be clinging to the cliff edge in the finish"
Never mind that they scored another try before full-time to put the issue beyond doubt.
And after all that, comes news filtering in on the bush telegraph in the corner of the loungeroom that the Great Benji isn't very happy; is in fact quite frustrated and dissatisfied with the current state of play, given that the new board is prepared to pay him more money next year when the salary cap increases to account for inflation, but they won't extend the deal beyond it's current duration which expires in 2015, as he'd hoped for.
So, his manager is talking about his client taking the well worn path down to the highly lucrative Japanese rugby union, where he's be an undoubted smash hit, to pick up a bloated stipend to invest in a very tasty lifetime pension, when it's all said and done.
The Club Secretary has more work to do there.
As one of the more disreputable fishwraps said, despite the win, in an editorial "the Wests Tigers season is in intensive care'.
Yeah right.
Tell us something we don't already know.
Ducked my head around the front door of the Front Bar down at The Local on Monday morning just to see what was shakin', and was surprised to find The Philosopher wasn't in.
The barmaid said, as she mopped his usual corner, that he'd told her that he was going to The Bahamas for a couple of weeks during the bye weeks in both codes, given that not much would be going on here, and the weather would be much nicer over there.
She wasn't doubting him, although millions would, and imagined that he'd be stretched out on some banana lounge on the pool deck at the Nassau Hilton, nursing this week's favoured tipple.
But, she did say she hasn't seen him since.

WESTS TIGERS 17. Tries: Nofoaluma, Reddy, Simona. Goals: Marshall (2). Filed Goal: Marshall (1).
CANBERRA RAIDERS 12. Tries: Earl, Milford. Goals: Croker (2).
At Campbelltown Sports Ground.
Crowd: 7,833.

far too many children

Disappointee's,

The prospect of an ordinary Monday night in Brisvegas was always bound to be a dismal and tawdry one.
Even the Good Burghers of Brissy agreed.
For a ground that routinely attracts well over 30,000, sometimes even 40,000 against good teams for a Broncos home game, they stayed away in droves.
And who can blame them?
Obviously there were better things to do.
It wasn't so much that the match was lost, but the manner of its losing.
Balmain were forced to field far too many children, given that no one else is avaliable, and then they were asked to play against grown men.
Apparently there's no law against child labour in the rugby league.
The Great Benji Marshall had no choice but to take it upon himself to try to make all the plays, and as a result did none of the play-making very well.
And let's face it, no Farar, no cigar.
The Best Leb in The Game was still sidelined by his bashed up face from Origin One, and without him at dummy half, there's no hope in attack.
And the kiddies were completely outmuscled in in defence, try as hard as they might.
To make the whole miserable affair even more galling; that dirty scoundrel turn-coat Scotty Prince had a fine game against his old club.
Prince, of course, is best remembered for the scandalous and shameful way that he was let go by the club at the end of 06, [this, after he captained the Tigers in the Miracle Year of '05 and won the Clive Churchill Medal for Man of the Match in the Grand Final, for gawdsake] to pursue a peripatetic career as a journeyman - willing to play for anyone with a fat enough cheque book - in a move described by the then coach Super Coach Sheens as "the worst decision made by the board of any football club, in any code, anywhere, ever. We should have just paid the bastard whatever he wanted"
And still, Prince comes back to haunt them seven years on, from north of The Tweed.
And of course Balmain has never had an anywhere near a decent half-back ever since the day he left, and not a scrap of silverware in the trophy cabinet to prove it.
Long time loyal supporters, and believe me, we are everywhere, are finding it hard to reconcile the half way mark in the year, with season over, and nothing much at all - some would say jack shit - to play for.
And this in the week that the 2000 Joint Venture finally imploded.
It was a hastily cobbled together scam from the outset and everyone thought it would all end in tears, but no-one imagined it would take this long.
Finally, at long last, Western Suburbs Leagues Campbelltown had had it up to here, and simply walked away from the joint venture, washing their hands of it, without even asking for a penny, as they considered the whole she-bang less than worthless.
They'd written off their losses a long time ago, and are now condemned to oblivion by their own hand.
The Club Secretary must be very much relieved to fark the old fractious board right off, and relishing dancing on the Magpies' grave, as he is now no longer forced to schedule games at the crumbling Campbelltown Sports Ground.
As he always said in private "I wouldn't go that far on my holidays".
Balmain Leagues and Wests Leagues Ashfield are now the only partners in the thing, with equal representation on the board, which surely must make for a much smoother operation, with the troublemaking black & white traditionalists finally pissed off back to the back blocks, where they belong.
It's very sad really that the Maggies have now been consigned to the history books, but sod 'em, for mine.
Never bought anything to the table.
They should have realised they were dead meat 13 years ago, and just gone out the back door quietly.
Shrug of shoulders.
The only bright point in the week was the welcome selection of Balmain's Aaron Woods for New South Wales for State of Origin Two.
The in-form forward of the comp for mine, especially in a losing side...one of the best busters of the advantage line there is, to create clever opportunities for his backs, and there's no-one else in the game at present who does the hard yards quite like him, week in, week out.
Should go well.
All power to his oars.

BRISBANE BRONCOS 32. Tries: Hoffman (2), Gillett, Hodges, Prince, Reed. Goals: Prince (4).
WESTS TIGERS 12. Tries: Sue, Tedesco. Goals: Marshall (2).
At Lang Park, Brisbane.
Crowd: 21,339.

No news from Lakeside is good news, during mid-season bye week.
Tippett? Kurt who?
Swans like to keep the head down and the bum up, train hard, and fly under the radar.
It worked last year when no one was looking, so who's to say it won't work again?

SYDNEY: Bye.

The Living Legend's seed is strong

Exhaultants,

The Stats Guru was off his tits.
The finest Sydney performance in Adelaide in 25 years.
Any number of records broken.
The Hannebery Kiddie's 40+ million posessions the best by anyone from any club, anywhere, all year.
Three votes for you, son.
For the less statistically minded, who just enjoy the game for what it is, a 14 goal football lesson will do very nicely indeed, thank you very much.
The scoreboard never lies.
And 11 individual goal kickers means they've got firepower all around the park.
Surely no one has ever been beaten keeping the opposition to without a goal in The Champo?
Having been born and bed in Adelbrain before fleeing across the continent as soon as possible, the win is all the sweeter.
My spies at the ground were of course all mad crazy flip out Crows fans who were having a glum night of it.
Telegraphing a message back saying "hey, what's not to like?" didn't seem to cheer them up.
Everyone knows what it's like to lose at home, no more than the Crows skipper Van Berlo who came out mid week and said the "Adelaide brand", whatever that is, had been damaged, yep you read right, "damaged" by the "horrendous" 77 point loss.
Just hope he checked that with the Crows Marketing Dept before he put that one out there.
Crikey!
Ordinary football team plays Swans in a regulation game of rules football and comes out at the other end of the worm hole damaged goods?
Who would have thought?
But all agreed The Jack Brothers story is one for the ages.
Found myself on innumerable occasions on the hill at Leichhardt Oval in the late 80's and early 90's watching Garry Jack go round for Balmain.
A dead set Living Legend, firmly enscounced in the Balmain Pantheon and the NSWRL Hall of Fame, mind you.
Without doubt the finest full back of his era, and some say ever, although some quibble that Keith "Keefy" barnes was better, but he played in the 60's, well before my time.
Garry had star quality written all over him, but never showed any leadership potential on account of he was perhaps the filthiest player in the game at the time, and that's saying something.
He was a very fine exponent of the Clothesline Tackle, a master at the Squirrel Grip, and no one did a better Christmas Hold.
But all was forgiven when you walked in through the Mary St gate ten minutes late just in time to see Jack carve up a defensive line, jink & step, brush off would-be tackles left right and centre, and sprint like a scared hare over 40-50m to score under the posts, without a hand being laid on him.
No finer sight in world sport, for mine.
Jack never had a nickname, he was just plain old Garry Jack, and boy could he play.
And then, much to his own surprise, in retirement, spawns not one, but two very handy Rules footballers.
The Living Legend's seed is strong.
Never in doubt.
And he apparently goes to every Swans game, home and away, and is now rarely seen in the crowd at the league.
Couldn't be a prouder father.
Speaking of fathers & sons, the Childe Mitchell had a fine game.
Jess White...where's he been lurking? In dark shadows by the looks, but had a blinder on return.
Good thing the Swans refused to trade White for Tippett, [on the principle of you never, ever, let a Premiership player go] and that's when the whole scandal was blown wide open, then only to get Tipsy for next to nothing at the end of the shooting match!
Magnificent.
Wonder if SC Horse continues the time-honoured tradition set by SC Roos of having the players around to his place for a keg and a BBQ on the Saturday afternoon of the bye weekend, just to chew the fat and not worry about a thing?
You know it makes sense.


ADELAIDE: 1.4, 3.4, 3.9, 6.14 (50). Goals: McKernan 2; Vince, Callinan, Dangerfield, Lynch.
SYDNEY: 4.4, 10.9, 17.12, 19.13 (127). Goals: Morton 3, Bolton 2, McGlynn, White, Bird, Everitt, Goodes, Hannebery, Jack, Parker, Mitchell.
At Football Park, Adelaide.
Crowd: 38,374.


A very good win at the foot of the mountains against the Chocolate Soldiers.
Tigers took the get of jail free card with both hands and ran with it.
Never easy to win there, in front of a uniquely partisan home crowd.
To come back from looking like rubbish at 4-18 at the break, to win 20-18 was a mighty effort.
No lack of second half commitment there.
And this from a team of complete unknowns, who know they are playing for unexpected careers.
Read the team list when it came out on the Tuesday afternoon before the game and thought to myself "who are all these people?"
Then a telegraph message came in with an injury report that suggested that across all three grades, 1st Grade, Reserve Grade, and the Under 23's, Balmain Tigers had no less than 27 players incapacitated, not all of them in Sick Bay, but all of them buggered to various degrees and unable to play.
That's two full teams of rugby league players sidelined!
Little wonder no one has ever heard of some of the blokes who turned out this week in the firsts.
Like, has anyoine ever heard of, and who on earth is Seumanufagai -and that's just his last name; a commentator's nightmare - let alone the little-heralded Simona Kiddie, who scored a run away 80 metre try with all the cleverness in the world as he beat three tackles, to a point where the Panthers full back never laid a hand on him in the finish as he sailed into the in-goal underneath the black dot to win the game with seven minutes left on the clock.
And, strike a light, did Sean Meaney actually, really, truly play full-back for Balmain?
He's now an old man at 27 who hasn't been picked in first grade for years, and never ever in the starting line up.
Last time anyone ever heard of him was when there was a rumour going around that he was either dead or in jail.
That's how dire the injury toll is.
Did like the sight of the Best Leb in the Game in a suit and tie in the dug-out with his face all smashed up [two black eyes, broken nose, and a hairline cheekbone fracture - not that he's not had those before] after getting bashed up by QLD [because there was no other way of stopping him] playing for NSW in the first State-of-Origin game.
Farah was interviewed mid-game and asked how he was feeling "it's not a good look, I know, but seriously, it's fine. I'll be back next week."
With 13 rounds down that's the half way point in the season, and remarkably, after the way they've been going, they've actually lifted themselves off the bottom of the ladder.
Fark my brown dog, Harold.

PENRITH PANTHERS 18. Tries: Masoe, Simmons, Whare. Goals: Walsh (3).
WESTS TIGERS 20. Tries: Nofoaluma (2), Seumanufagai, Simona. Goals: Marshall (2).
At Penrith Stadium.
Crowd: 16,827.